Donny's Ramblings

I received an email from a mother asking for help for her 14 year old son’s pornography problem.  Because this is a common issue I decided to post it here on my blog.  Here are a few of the lines she wrote:

I have a 14 yr old son who got involved in pornography online and I’m not sure what to do. We’ve spoken to him and pray for him and banned him from using the internet… I’m disturbed because I don’t want him getting hooked for life… Is there anything I should do or say that will be of help? Are there resources for ‘weaning’ a child off pornography? Please help a desperate mother.

This blog article is my response to her.

Dear Desperate Mother,

I’m definitely not a counselor, so please keep that in mind while reading my words.  I’m just a guy who produced porn for awhile, and because people find that interesting I’ve been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to share what God has done in my life.  Nevertheless, I’m not unlike any other sinner that has been saved by grace, and therefore my words don’t have any more authority than those of other Christians in your life.

Most people have a circle of friends with whom they discuss life issues.  In my life, I rely heavily on my Pastor and even more-so on my son’s mother, to whom I was married before my sin tore our family apart.  We remain good friends despite all of that, which is in itself a testament to the amazing woman of God she is…  She’s had to deal with so much, and the way she’s done so has birthed some incredible wisdom. Sometimes we discuss emails I receive where the sender shares how pornography has ripped apart his or her life.  She always tells me to focus on the root of the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. And she is so right.  Realizing this, I’ve spent a lot of time asking God just what the root of the problem actually is, and how best to deal with it.  I’ve come to see that the root of the porn problem is the same as the root of all of life’s moral problems.

So… I’ll simply share with you how I deal with my own problems, and hopefully something that is said will help.

I’ve noticed that when a person begins a romantic relationship with another, many things in their life just… change.  Especially at the beginning when all is new. When love strikes, a man gets all giddy and sees colors more brilliantly than ever before. Because he  wants to present a better package, the woman doesn’t have to ask him to change certain things, he just does so to please her.  He tries to avoid things that displease her.

I’ve noticed the same thing to be true with those who fall in love with God.

I was raised in churches where God was a list of rules.  He was the definition of what I could do and what I could not do.  To make God happy, I had to be holy.  To be holy, I had to DO things I found myself incapable of doing.  I had to be someone I was not capable of being.  There were rules I always failed at following.  Since I couldn’t live up to the rules, I began to grow bitter.  Watching those preaching the rules fail to follow them themselves birthed  more bitterness and even a burning hatred. The Christian life seemed impossible to follow, even for those who were supposed to be “leaders”.  Why bother?

At no time did I ever see God as someone I could fall in love with.  At no time did I see Him as someone with whom I could have a relationship with.

Those last two sentences?  They reveal the root problem with porn and any other issue we deal with.  We either don’t really believe we can have a relationship with God, or we choose not to pursue one.

As a man, I’ve had issues “falling in love” with a male figure.  I’ve had to realize that when God created mankind in His image, that included all feminine aspects as well.  So… I’ve chosen to view the Holy Spirit as a representative of God’s “feminine” side.  After all, Jesus described the Holy Spirit as a “comforter”, and blaspheming the Holy Spirit is unforgivable, right?  Sounds to me like God sticking up for His woman!  (Legalists, please don’t bother emailing me complaints about that – I wrote with a smile on my face and am not seriously making any claims as to gender of any parts of the Godhead).  Embracing the fact that feminine aspects are incorporated within God has helped me fall in love.  Like any relationship, the more time spent together, the deeper love becomes.

The more I immerse myself in God’s love, the more I realize the REASONS He asks us to do certain things.  He doesn’t, for example, ask us to put sex off until marriage because He wants to take away our fun or because He needs an excuse to send us to hell.  He does so because He knows how we’re wired.  He created us, after all.  He knows the bonds we create when we are sexually intimate.  He knows the way sex affects us.  He says to us, “I just wish you’d trust me.  I have something special for you.  Wouldn’t it be better if the wife I have for you never has to wonder if others before her were ‘better’ in your eyes?  Wouldn’t you rather not have to wonder if men in her past are still in her head?  You can do whatever you wish – I’ve given you free will – but I wish you’d choose to trust me.  I do know what’s best for you.”

The same concepts are true when it comes to pornography.  ”Sin” is the opposite of God’s perfect plan for our lives, and pornography is definitely not something that will benefit your son’s future relationships.  He’s 14 years old and he might not yet respond to the picture falling in love with God.  But I’m sure he’s encountered thoughts of romance.  I’m sure, if I asked him, he’d say that if he had a woman in his life he’d fight for her.  That’s just what a man does for his woman, right?  So I’d challenge him with this:  ”How romantic would it be if, in three years when you meet the woman of your dreams, you can tell her, ‘I’ve been fighting the hardest battle of my life for you, and I didn’t even know you yet.’?”  Every man needs a battle to fight, your son is no exception.

And dear mother:  tell him who he is… ’cause that’s who he’ll become. Tell him what an amazing man of God he is.  Tell him what an amazing husband he is going to make.  Tell him that you’re confident he can fight for his future bride by keeping himself mentally pure.  Tell him… who he is.

I want my son to know that if I’ve presented to him a God that is merely a list of rules,  I’m incredibly wrong.  In a book I love the author wrote, “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.“ That is so true.  So if  I want my son to fall in love with God I need to show him how to do so.  The more time I spend with God, the less my desires are to pursue sinful activities… because when we humans truly love someone we don’t want to hurt them.  When we love someone, and spend lots of time with them, we learn to trust.

For me, spending time with God just makes me feel better.  The mean person I normally am becomes a nice person.  Life is just easier.  When lust arises, I remember that the object of my lust is God’s daughter, and I need to respect Him, and her, by not thinking those thoughts about her.  He means her to be someone’s wife, and what I’m making of her in my head is not for me to have.  I also know that I can trust His plans for me… this includes my sexual future.  So I go to Him and reveal all of the thoughts I’ve had.  In detail.  Because He already knows anyway, and shedding light on the problem takes the power out of it.

At one place I spoke, a young man shared something powerful with me that I’ve placed into practice in my own life.  He told me that he has counseling sessions with God.  He sits God down in a chair opposite him and tells Him explicit details of thoughts he’s had.  Who the girl was, what he wanted to do with her, how he wanted to do it, etc.  God already knows anyway, but being so blatant with Him creates an intimacy over time.  He is a trusted friend, rather than someone from whom our sins must be hidden (impossible to do anyway, right?).  The more that trust builds, the less we want to share a bad “report” when the next counseling session time arrives.

As his mother, you obviously want what’s best for him but your son is going to make his own decisions. So ultimately, there’s not really much you can DO other than to tell him who he is.  He’s a man of God.  A powerful man of God.  An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.

And should he fall to temptation of porn, do you know what to tell him?  How about this:  He’s a man of God.  A powerful man of God.  An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.

And should he fall AGAIN to temptation of porn, do you know what to tell him?  How about this:  He’s a man of God.  A powerful man of God.  An amazing “catch” for his future bride, for whom you know he will fight to keep pure.

That’s all I’ve got.  Hope it helps.

(my pastor shared some good advice down in comment #9)

In response to a comment left on Craig Gross‘ Facebook page by Michelle Truax, one of the key players on the XXXChurch Team, I just wrote:

I have decided not to deal with it right now. I’ve laughed today, read books, talked to Ted Haggard a few times, talked to my Pastor about the book we’re writing together… but I have pushed this out of my mind ’cause I do not know how to deal with it. Anybody who has met Steve cannot help but like, even love, him. I don’t want to accept this yet. I have a feeling it’s gonna hit hard in a few days.

Truth is, the most horrible thing that has happened in my life since I gave it to God happened yesterday, but I learned of it this morning.  If you follow me on Twitter you’d never know it.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I don’t wanna freakin’ deal with this.  One of the speakers on the XXXChurch team ended his own life yesterday, and I don’t know how to handle it.  His name is Steve Glisan.  You can watch his story by clicking here.  I loved Steve, but I never told him so.

I first met Steve at a Porn and Pancakes event in Colorado.  Because of the places it took him, his porn addiction resulted in a loss of his wife and three kids.  After years apart, he found help and his marriage was restored.  That, my friends, is why he spoke for XXXChurch.  The story of Steve and Ann Glisan was powerful.

I’m told he recently gave in to temptation and slipped up again… that he decided to handle the guilt by removing himself from this planet.  After all the heartache his family went through before, I cannot understand this decision.  Surely he had to know this was the worst possible choice?  I guess not.  Steve, who regularly blogged for XXXChurch under the name Steve G, is gone.  I am so angry with him, yet so sad at the same time.  I am not good handling this sort of thing.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to say.  I feel freakin’ useless.  There is nothing I can say to ease the pain his family must feel.  There is nothing I can say or do to deal with the way I feel, either.

Donny is rambling again…

Walking this trail with tears streaming from my eyes used to be a regular event for me. I sometimes miss those days.

Recently written to a great person who is hurting after a long term relationship ended:

Kristin told me you’re hurting right now. I total understand how that feels. It’s kinda like the color has drained out of everything. You see things, they just aren’t as brilliant and full of life as before. And the pain… oh my God.

So… I wanted to share something with you that really helped me when I was in the same boat. Wendy, my son’s mom, noticed how badly I was hurting and her words changed my pain. She told me not to be afraid of the pain. I realized I really WAS afraid of it. It’s like, “This hurts, make it stop!” She told me to let it hurt… to realize that’s just how God wired us. If it didn’t hurt it would mean we weren’t emotionally invested. He made us emotional people, and pain is one way we heal. It’s not scary, it’s beautiful. It means our relationships had meaning. It means we are human.

Let your tears flow, and welcome them. Embrace them. As odd as this might seem right now, I have to tell you I sometimes miss that place. If you’ve been hurt, wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t let it make you hard, ’cause then you’ve been robbed of a very human, very beautiful thing. Let the colors be faded for now. They’ll brighten, I can tell you, but there is no hurry. And remember how you feel now. Once you realize it’s nothing to be afraid of I think your perspective will change. The pain won’t go away, but it will be more… bearable.

K,  that’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll put in a request with the man upstairs to give you a hug today.

Wendy’s advice is amazing, so I’m sharing it with all of you.

LOSING KILOH

The reason Kristin, mentioned above, wanted me to share that advice with our mutual hurting friend is because it was just days earlier when that same advice helped her as well.  She’d unexpectedly lost her dog, Kiloh, who had been a faithful companion for 14 years.  She was devastated.  I sent her this:

Wendy once told me something that I hope will help. Some people “get it” right away, but most don’t. Most take a few days for it to sink in. Here it is: “Don’t be afraid of the pain”. Pain to us is so scary for some reason. We may not even realize it. But that pain is part of who we are as humans. It is a BEAUTIFUL part of human healing. That pain means Kiloh’s life meant something. Mourning him is honoring him. Embrace the tears. Welcome them. They’re washing your soul. They mean you’re human. They are not a negative thing. They are a celebration of Kiloh’s life. So let them out freely and often.

When Wendy told me not to be afraid of the pain (of the lifestyle change and breakup with Belinda) it changed things for me. I started letting the tears stream even in public and didn’t care what people thought. I actually miss those days now. They are so… emotional. And sometimes great creativity is even birthed from those emotions.

I’m glad your mom is there for you. Keep wetting her shoulders.

EMOTIONS ARE THE SPICE OF LIFE

CaliforniaBlends.com Spices - Love this stuff!

A friend’s young daughter was hurting. A girl she had been close to was being very mean to her at school. The words hurt, and the tears streamed. Wendy’s advice still applies: don’t be afraid of the pain. Fear is at the root of so many of the negative things in our life, but it shouldn’t have such power. Let it go. MAKE it go. My friend’s daughter needed to let her tears flow. Let out those emotions. Embrace them. She’s human, and as such, words can hurt. There’s nothing wrong with reacting to that.

When we attempt to be “tough” and suppress our emotions, one possible result is a hardened heart.  Don’t let the actions of others turn a soft heart hard!  A soft heart appreciates so much… takes joy in small things… keeps the color in life.  If the emotional pain inflicted by others turns one’s heart hard that joy is stolen.  How sad to let other people rob us of joy!  How sad it is when the beauty of life is lessened for us because we’ve become so concerned about outward appearances that we are no longer able to wear our hearts on our sleeve!

When I cook I’m a BIG fan of adding lots of spices.  I love to sauté fish, for example, in butter and minced garlic, a cajun  spice mix, a dash of Deb Deb’s Rub Rub and several drops of one of the mixes made by California Blends.  Our God-given emotions are the spice of life, my friends.  That includes emotional pain.

Why be afraid of it?  Embrace this emotion.  It’s beautiful. It’s human.  It’s how He wired us.

The title of this blog post is a total rip off of  a page on JR Mahon’s blog: http://www.hollywoodpastor.com/the-voo-doo-we-do/ .  Sorry JR.  Actually, no I’m not ’cause you probably ripped it off from someone else, didn’t ya? Hee hee.  Dear Constant Readers, if you’ve heard me speak you’ve likely heard me mention that XXXChurch flew one of their staff pastors out to California from Michigan the day after I asked God to take control of my life.  That pastor was JR.  Not only did he get me heading in the right direction in those crucial first days, he literally saved my life once.

The Voodoo We Do just sounds… nifty.  But this particular blog post is gonna be mostly about what I’ve been up to, and some random thoughts.  No “WE” here… because I know you’re all dying to hear about me, me, ME!  Right?

I haven’t been writing here much.  As I said in a prior entry, the more I study, the more I realize how much I don’t know.  I haven’t felt the need to wax spiritual because, well, after going through some of my previous posts I think, “That sounds so juvenile”.  That’s okay.  It is what it is.  That doesn’t mean I won’t sound so juvenile in the future.  Because I definitely will.  When I get excited about something I either call Wendy (my son’s mom) or verbally spew on this blog.  Judging by the lack of posts you can only assume anything exciting in my life has resulted in bending Wendy’s ear.

With lack of posting comes a dying of traffic.  I’m down to about 200 people per day visiting here.  Not that many months ago there were still 5,000 people a day reading what I had to say.  Even more when I was still in the old life blogging about producing.  200 per day, however, is liberating.  I can’t explain why, but it feels as if it’s okay to ramble those juvenile thoughts when not many people are reading.  And it feels so good to sit in this easy chair in my living room, listening to Mastiffs snore, and type away on my MacBook Pro.  With 200 people I don’t need to pretend to know what I’m talking about, I can just… spew.

So that’s what I’m gonna do today.  Spew.  Randomly.

LEGALISM

Whether or not it should, legalism annoys me.  After all I’ve done, I know better than to talk for God and tell people they’re unworthy of him because of the things they’ve done.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to understand that “there’s none righteous, no not one.” Could that be written any clearer?

Some of the comments to my articles on Ted Haggard, particularly this one, make me want to sue the public education system for churning out people who lack basic comprehension skills.  Not one means NOT. ONE.  PERIOD.  Although most Christians profess to understand that God doesn’t put levels on sin, apparently many don’t believe that’s really true.  ”My sin is not as bad as Ted Haggard’s sin!”  Bull.  It is every bit as bad.  Your sin, without God’s grace and Christ’s payment, would separate you from God just as easily as any sin Ted Haggard has committed.  ”But but but… this scripture says…”  SHUT IT.  The truth of that first statement removes the need of any further comment from the peanut gallery.  Worry about your own relationship with God before questioning the repentance of Ted Haggard.

Having trouble with that?  Here’s a suggestion:  try really hard not to congratulate yourself today.  Remember what it was like to be broken.  Remember the grace that you were extended.  Remember that grace covers every stumble in your past and will be available for every stumble in your future.  Now, make an effort to remember that same grace is available to every single person on the planet.  With that in mind, turn on some worship music and sing to your creator. See if that changes things.  Or maybe do a bit of reading.  Head on down to Christian Family Bookstore and see if you can find something to stimulate your mind within its walls.

BEING MEAN GOES HAND IN HAND WITH NOT INCLUDING GOD

Don’t think I’m not preaching to myself in that last paragraph.  The “advice” I put at the end of that paragraph is written directly to myself.  If I don’t spend time with God, a mean person emerges.  I may not be judgmental in thinking I’m somehow better than a person who hasn’t accepted Jesus’ payment for sin, but my words in normal conversation often bite.  I can be very harsh.  In fact, do you remember my friend Carrie the Atheist from past writings?  My words have kinda severed our lines of communication.  Something she wrote about how Richard Dawkins’ books mentally freed her from the burning desire to have a family and children just really irked me and I let her know exactly how I felt about it.  I wasn’t nice, and the results weren’t pretty.  I wish I could say I’m sorry, but at this point I’m not and I’m not going to pretend to be.  I will say that I WISH I felt sorry, and I know I should, but I don’t.

I’ve also been rather harsh with a few former colleagues.  I know the reason for both of these issues: I haven’t included God in my life as much as I should.  Don’t get me wrong, I talk to Him every single day.  I go to church.  When I don’t make a Sunday, I catch up on the sermons I’ve missed online. But what I don’t do is spend every single day bathing myself in His presence like I did not long ago.  I used to talk to Him all day long, rather than just here and there.  When I chatter with Him like a an excited teenage girl who’s just had her nails done I’m a totally different person.  Some people need Paxil to function at their best.  I need God.  All day, every day.  Kinda like a prescription that must be taken at regular intervals for maximum effectiveness.  Without regular doses of God I lean towards narcissism and lack the patience it takes to treat people as they deserve to be treated.  That includes everybody in my life (with one exception:  Caden – for some reason I have endless patience with my boy and in all of his 10 years I have yet to raise my voice to him a single time – I’m kinda proud of that).  I’d probably respond better to aforementioned legalists with more God doses too.  I really need to increase my current prescription of God Doses.

WRITING A BOOK

Many have asked when I’m going to write a book.  It’s now a work in progress.  I’m co-writing it with my Pastor, Dr. Bill Giovannetti, because I don’t just want to tell a story… I want it to be a book that helps people.  I’ve got a lot of stories to share that a lot of people will find interesting, but what good are stories if they can’t be used to change lives?  And with Bill’s help I think we’ll be able to produce a book that God can use to release the chains some people have allowed to enwrap their mind, and assist others in understanding how to assist in that process.  That’s the goal, at least.  I have no idea how long this process will take, as this is the first time I’ve written a book.  Constant Readers, you can help form this book.  If you have ideas you think would be helpful by all means email me with them.  You can find my email address in the right column.

Subject to change, here’s what I’m currently thinking:  I’ll write part of my story for the first half of each chapter and Bill can use the story to illustrate a specific point for the second half.   Thoughts?  Craig Gross and JR Mahon had a similar layout for their book Starving Jesus: Off the Pew, Into the World, and I really liked it.  But again, I’m open on that.

I’d ramble on, but I’ve rambled enough.  Besides, this really cute mother of my son just messaged me on Google talk so now I’ve got something better to do than writing to you guys.  No offense.  ;)

…adding this for my records…

As Caden looked on from a few feet away, my Pastor, Bill Giovannetti, baptized me at our 10:45am service.  I’ll be sure to post photos later.  For now, here are photos from last week’s baptisms.

Am I the only one who thinks my Mastiffs sound like whales when they play/wrestle?  Check out these two audio files of Princess Buttercup and Mister Moose (aka Senator Charles Bosworth) playing today:

Part 1

Part 2

I’ll keep it simple: I like it! Tastes great. Tastes like regular coffee. All that jazz.

BUT (and this is a big but)…

It is WAY too expensive. The box of 12 packets you see here set me back $9.99 – 10 bux for 12 packets that make 8 ounces each is flippin’ outrageous in my humble opinion.

‘Nuff said. Let me know what YOU think either here or on my Facebook page (this review is posted in both places).

This post was written September 12th.  I couldn’t post it until today because it contains my review, of sorts, of Donald Miller’s latest book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and we (“we” being the bloggers given advance copies) were not supposed to release our reviews until today.  This is cross-posted on both this blog as well as in a note on my Facebook page.  Feel free to comment at either (or both) location(s).

Late Thursday night I finally opened the package I’d received from Thomas Nelson earlier in the day.  Had I known what was inside I wouldn’t have waited so long.  For some reason I’d been sent two copies of Donald Miller’s latest book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  I started reading, but stopped long enough to text Don, telling him I was reading his book.  He had no idea why I was sent two copies either, but offered to send yet another one if I wanted it.  Of course I want it!  I’ve a few people in mind to send the two extra copies, but I’ll keep the one Don sends, especially if he autographs the inside.  It was late, and I had an early flight to catch, so I put the book down, deciding to instead read it on my flight to Indiana to speak with part of the XXXChurch team at Purdue University.

Donny Pauling, Meet Donald Miller

Friday morning started… interestingly.  My flight was delayed more than two and a half hours, creating a scheduled arrival time that would put me at the university an hour after I was scheduled to speak.  That wouldn’t work.  I explained the situation to a very helpful Alaskan Airlines employee, who was kind enough to put me on another flight with another airline – United – the only catch being I’d have to drive more than two hours south to Sacramento to catch it.  My efforts would be rewarded: if nothing else went wrong I’d arrive at Purdue just 10 minutes after the time I was scheduled to take the stage.  Much better – the band could easily play a couple of extra songs and the crowd would never know the difference.

Finally on my way to Indy, I cracked open Million again.  I read it all the way to my connecting flight in Denver, often laughing out loud, likely making my seat companions wonder if I was mentally unstable.  If you’ve read one of Don’s books I’m sure you can identify: the man is funny and can tell a story! This one really amused me:  it’s inspired by Don being told his life is just too boring to make a movie out of.

I only read for a few minutes after leaving Denver for Indianapolis.  I needed to catch a nap so I’d be sharp enough to speak to the thousand plus college students expected to attend Friday Night’s Porn and Popcorn event.  I put the book in my bag in a revered, sacred place: the pouch occupied by my beloved MacBook Pro and Kindle DX.   Don’s latest would have to wait until the return flight…

…which was also delayed more than two hours, getting me into Chicago an hour after my next flight left, but not before Don’s pen reduced me to tears in front of my fellow passengers on the Indy to Chi town stretch.  While taxiing to the gate in Chicago I texted Don to harass him for this.  “Wow.  That wasn’t intended I assure you!!” was his response.

Once in Chicago, and after more than an hour standing in a customer service line to be rebooked, I learned I’d have to spend the night at O’Hare and settle for a 10:40am departure the next morning.  I had a decision to make: I could go postal like the lady standing behind me, or I could accept my fate and see this as an opportunity to finish the book and perhaps experience what it’s like to sleep on the floor of one of those family bathrooms – you know, the kind that lock and give you the stall all to yourself? While I don’t think that’s any part of the kind of “better story” talked about throughout Don’s book, I decided it’d be much better than the heart attack Ms. Postal was about to give herself.

Probably because of the smile I kept on my face as Mt. Saint Helens erupted yet again behind me, the United Airlines Customer Service Rep gave me a standby ticket for a flight that wasn’t mentioned earlier.  It was very full and the odds were just about zilch that I’d actually catch it, but with two hours to kill before knowing the answer for sure, I took the ticket, found a family bathroom, plugged in my iPhone to charge, and relaxed a little.  I couldn’t get comfortable enough to feel like reading, but the hour and a half spent in that solitary space was still a great escape from the noise of an insanely busy terminal, and I only felt a little guilty when the handle was wiggled a time or two by people who probably actually needed to use the facilities for the purpose they were intended.

Divine intervention must have opened heaven, earth, and a few seats on the 8:16pm flight to Sacramento, because my name was called – and I got a window seat.  In another miracle rivaling that time the USA won the gold in hockey against the Russians, the seat in between me and the other guy in my row remained empty after the doors closed and boarding ended.  With the extra space to stretch my legs, I was soon comfortably finishing A Million Miles in a Thousand Years…which brings me to the present, where I still sit on that same plane hurtling towards Sacra-tomato at 500 miles an hour, writing to you, my constant readers.

I gotta tell ya:  I honestly don’t know how to write the review this book deserves.   Don tells a story – his story – yet somehow his story challenges the reader to go out and live a better version of their own life story.  He does this in a way I can’t put into the right words to make you understand how special a gift you’ll be giving yourself when you pick up a copy.  He just does it… Donald Miller style.  Just buy it! Then come back and tell me if I’m the only grown adult it moves to publicly laugh and cry, unconcerned about those sitting nearby.