Donny's Ramblings

If I wish to write anything worth reading I must first clear my head. For several days I haven’t been able to do so: it’s been such a busy week! Today’s one of my days off for the week, so let’s see if I can update all of you on what’s happening.

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The web marketing strategy I’ve been developing for my new employer is going well, but requiring a lot of hours to get started. Amazingly enough, Google has already begun sending local visitors. The inquiries I’ve received are encouraging because they mean I must be doing something right.

Apparently the marketing strategies I developed while owning porn sites also apply to the “mainstream” internet as well. Where before I was attempting to create search results for sexually oriented materials, I am now targeting those who are looking to purchase cars, trucks and SUVs. I thought cars would bore me, but that hasn’t been the case. I love learning new things and this has definitely been a learning experience so far. But after spending all day on a computer it’s sometimes hard to clear my head enough to write here. It’s been four days since the last blog entry and I miss it!

My work schedule gives me every other Sunday/Monday off, followed by Tuesday/Wednesday the following week. The way it’s set up makes for a stretch where I work for 7 days, followed by a 3 day work week. But even on the Sundays I’m scheduled to work, the owner has agreed to let me come in late. That allows me to attend church in the morning and still get off in time for evening service.

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This past Sunday I attended The Stirring and took Belinda with me. I caught her smiling and laughing during service and was feeling hopeful that perhaps she might be enjoying herself enough to attend future services with me. That hope didn’t last long. She let me know she still thinks I’m out of my mind, and that she can’t believe I’m seriously trying to pursue God. She says it all seems very fake to her. I can understand the way she feels, because it wasn’t too long ago when I felt the same way.

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This Friday I leave for Grand Rapids, Michigan to share my story at the Porn and Pancakes event being presented by XXXChurch. I’ve been told there are a lot of people who want to meet me. My weekend will be full. I’m looking forward to speaking in front of hundreds of people.

There was a 3 month stint in my life when I used to speak in public 5 days a week to 75-100 people each night. I’d always have butterflies in my stomach and feel very nervous… right up to the moment I started speaking. Then the butterflies would leave and I’d enjoy myself immensely. I’m sure Porn and Pancakes will be the same. My fingernails will likely be bitten off as I anticipate the moment I must stand in front of everyone. My stomach will flip-flop inside of me. Then the time will come to speak, and I’ll enjoy every moment of it.

Say a prayer for me Friday night and Saturday morning, will ya?

September 25th was the day I surrendered my life to God, which makes today my 2 month “anniversary”. So how is Donny doing? Quite simply, I’m growing stronger each day.

A scripture comes to mind:

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.

That pretty much describes these past few months in a nutshell. My dad used to encourage me to memorize scripture, and this was one of them. This verse comes from Proverbs 22. I remember Proverbs very well, because the book of Proverbs was part of a Bible study our family used to do at the dinner table after each evening meal. My dad would have us remain at the table after we’d finished eating, he’d open his Bible to Proverbs, and we’d go through it a few verses each day. I hated it. But guess what? Those studies are coming back to me now.

When I memorized scripture I did so because I wanted to win! I wasn’t really interested in the Bible, as I always associated It with Church and Church did not interest me, but I was interested in beating everyone else at anything academic, which included Bible Quizzes. Applying scripture to my life, however, was not something I ever did. I’d never had a real “Jesus experience”.

Now I cannot make that claim. Jesus and I have been taking lots of trips together. We drive down Interstate 5 chatting like old friends. He shows up while I’m at work to make sure I’m doing okay. He shows up in my inbox in the form of encouraging emails from blog readers. The two of us discuss scripture and he explains some of the things I’ve been confused about in the past. We talk a lot about how much he loves people, and on rare occasions he has me deliver a message to someone.

I’m amazed! The things I learned growing up all of a sudden make sense to me. I haven’t done so yet, but I need to thank my dad.

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.

That scripture has taken on new meaning for me. It seems King Solomon knew what he was talking about. At age 32, I don’t consider myself to be “old”, but I can tell you that not long ago I never imagined I’d be serving God like this at any point in my life. In my mind, the future held porn production for the rest of my days. I enjoyed the financial freedom it afforded. I enjoyed the ability to do whatever I wished. I saw myself doing it for life because I was addicted to money and porn allowed me to make a lot of it, effortlessly.

It seems that’s not what God had in mind.

On September 25th a miracle occurred: he healed my mind. I no longer care about money and possessions. When I look back at some of the things that seemed important to me just a few short months ago, they seem so silly now. My entire perspective on life has changed. I have this hunger inside to learn more about God, to understand him better, and to love other people.

A few days ago I talked to my dad on the phone. In part of our conversation we talked a bit about the creditors that have begun calling. I let him know that I’d most likely be losing my cars and may be riding a bus or bumming rides from others in the near future. My dad was amazed at how calm I was at that thought: it doesn’t bother me at all. For years he’s had a son with a super-sized ego, proud of my monetary accomplishments and at the “things” I own. Now he’s witnessing a son that is focused on what is actually important in life: God, Relationships, People, Love. He was amazed. He tried to keep from chuckling with happiness but I heard it in his voice. That warmed me inside.

Not everything is happy-happy-joy-joy. There is a lot of sadness at the loss of an incredible 6 year relationship with Belinda. I love her so deeply, and wish our futures followed the same path. At this point, however, they do not. I push that thought out of my mind, because focusing on it would bring me to tears.

I also have a constant battle of another sort: this blog. Sharing my thoughts and experiences is quite therapeutic and I feel writing here is something I am supposed to do, but I often spend way too much time forming strategies to increase blog traffic (traffic = visitors). When I owned porn sites, traffic was the most important key to making money. I’d spend several hours per day tracking statistics, seeing what worked and what didn’t, trying to figure out how to better optimize my pages for search engines, figuring out what ads resulted in the most clicks to my sites. All of those things are challenges I very much enjoyed, and sometimes I start to do the same things with this blog. Last night was one of those times. I spent the evening going in detail through my statistics logs, seeing who is linking to me, how many visitors they’ve sent, what search engine terms have been used to find me. Etc. Etc. I got so wrapped up in it that I dreamed about stats and traffic all last night.

I awoke early this morning to realize what a waste of time it is to worry about new sources of traffic to this blog. That time would be better spent picking up the Bible or reading one of Donald Miller’s books or simply relaxing and unwinding from a long day at work.

More of God is what I really wish to pursue. On mornings when I do so before going into work, my attitude is great for the entire day. Have you ever found yourself reading or listening to motivational materials? If that type of thing is up your alley, let me recommend another one for you: the Bible. I never would have thought a few scriptures and the commentary of others on such scriptures could be so motivating, but it really sets up my day very well. I’d recommend that you read a few verses and then open up a Bible Commentary to get some perspective on what was meant. Do that, and scriptures come alive.

Above all, I enjoy people. I appreciate everyone I speak with. Look at someone else as one of God’s kids and all of a sudden they become a lot more appealing and fun to be around.

God, I thank you for the grace you give to us. Even more than that I thank you for your never-ending love. I thank you for the new found freedom I’ve been experiencing and I would like to dedicate my life to helping others find this same freedom.

My heart hurts that some of your children misconstrue the purpose for which you sent us here, and I ask that you allow me to help change that in any way I can. I realize that is a huge task and, while I could never do it alone, with your help I can at least give it a shot.

I’d also like to thank you for the opportunities you give us to learn about love. My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through our love for each other I also get an bit of an insight on your love for all of us, your own children. That makes me appreciate everyone around me, even complete strangers, so much more. I know if someone hated my son I could not allow myself to be around them, and liking them would definitely not be an option. With that in mind, I can no longer feel hatred towards anyone, because I love you and they’re your children, even if in my mind some of them could use a good paddling. I needed one of those myself, but you chose to just let your love correct me instead.

I’ve got to get ready for work now, but I’ll stay in touch throughout the day and let you know how things are going. I’ll try to show someone else your love through my actions, because that’s what you’ve asked me to do.

Oh, and thank you also for Pastor Bill Giovannetti. He gives pretty good advice, and he says I’m a Paul. I really like imagining myself as a Paul. It gives me something to reach for…

I’ll be one of the speakers at this event:

If you live in the Grand Rapids, Michigan area, sign up to attend on the Porn and Pancakes website.

The news crew got Craig’s last name wrong. It’s Craig Gross, not Craig Ross. For some reason that mistake amuses me.

If you aren’t in the area but know someone who is, get them to this event and tell them to bring a friend!

The porn stories series begins a little earlier than expected.

For the last half hour Belinda and I have been consoling a crying girl who showed up at our house this evening. She begged and pleaded for us to have her photos removed from the internet. Her life, in her own words, has “become a living hell”.

She lost a good job because, according to her boss, she “has too much drama in her life right now”. What is that supposed to mean? It means the boss grew weary of her co-workers talking about the “porn star” in their midst. She was made aware that her presence disrupted the company.

Her boyfriend will leave her if the photos can’t be removed from the internet. He can’t bear having friends teasing him about his “porn star” girlfriend exposing everything for all the world to see.

She told me, “I never thought anyone I knew would see these. There are thousands of websites out there. I just didn’t think they’d be found.”

She begged and pleaded to return the money she was paid in exchange for her photos being removed from the sites for which she’d posed. I had to let her know there is nothing I can do for her. There are hundreds of producers around the world, all of whom have models that change their minds and want to reverse their decision to work in the adult industry. The companies to whom we sell our content generally ignore all requests for removal.

Barely a week ago, this model found out she’s pregnant. She cried as she explained her horror at the thought of her child being teased about having a mother who was involved in pornography.

She’s been dealing with this for weeks, and finally showed up on my door because she doesn’t know what else to do. The stress is overwhelming, and can’t possibly be good for her developing baby.

Unfortunately, removing her photo and video content from the internet (if that were even possible – which it’s not) would not end her problem. The people who have been circulating this material have undoubtedly saved it to their hard drives. They’ll continue sharing it even if the content is pulled.

If, in the future, this model applies for a position that requires a morality clause be signed (a practice that is becoming more popular all the time, by the way) this girl will not qualify. I know this from experience, as another of my models lost a position due to such a clause. This girl’s entire future was changed for the worst when she posed for us on June 26th, 2006.

This story is tame in comparison to those I’ll share with you in the future. But this one is bad enough.

And let’s call it as it is, folks: consumers of porn are not without blame. In a world that lives by the rules of supply and demand, the customer ultimately initiates the entire process. If there was no demand, I would never have produced content of this model. I would never have had the money to use to entice her. We all fuel this vehicle called pornography. We’re all in it together.

I love to read, but until today I’d never heard of Nobel-Prize winning novelist Toni Morrison.

When asked how she became a great writer – what books she had read and what methods she had used – she replied:

“That is not why I am a great writer. I am a great writer because when I was a little girl and walked into the room where my father was sitting, his eyes would light up. That is why I am a great writer. That is why. There isn’t any other reason.”

Before continuing, go back and read that again… slowly.

That quote immediately made me think of my son. He lights up my life as well. I love viewing the world through Caden’s eyes, because it takes on a whole new meaning. Before he arrived in this world I had no idea how much I could love another person. That love is truly indescribable.

Because of Caden I even enjoy things I’ve never previously found interesting. For example, all of my life I’ve had a dislike for playing card games and board games, yet I’ve recently discovered a love for them. Last night I spent hours playing Go Fish as well as Connect Four and Pickup Sticks. Just last week I found myself enjoying The Game of Life. My son loves these games. It’s so beautiful to watch the enjoyment he gets while playing. I can’t help enjoy playing them simply because he enjoys them. His laughter is angelic and the expressions he gets on his face nearly stop my heart.

Unless you know me well, it may not seem all that remarkable that I’d enjoy those games. The fact of the matter is that I have never been able to stand them in the past. If we have guests over who wish to play card or board games I tell them I’ll be happy to watch but I’d rather not play. Then, when nobody is looking, I sneak away to watch television or use my computer. Caden is the only person with whom I have a good time throwing cards around a table.

I often times wonder if the real reason we are placed on this earth is to experience love. Perhaps we’re here to form relationships with each other, bring families into the world and learn to love things we’d never enjoy alone. By learning to love others we can also begin to understand the love God has for us. I bet He looks at us and watches our laughter and facial expressions and his chest nearly bursts his buttons, much as what happens to me when I watch Caden. And, while Caden has no siblings, I bet it would pain my heart immensely if he did and if they fought all the time. Likewise, I know God’s heart is pained when we can’t get along with the rest of his children.

“I am a great writer because when I was a little girl and walked into the room where my father was sitting, his eyes would light up. That is why I am a great writer. That is why. There isn’t any other reason.”

That quote, slightly manipulated, applies to all of us:

We are all that we are and all that we will be because our Father’s eyes light up when he thinks of us. That is why. There isn’t any other reason.

I believe in all of the freedoms granted to those who live in this great country. I believe those freedoms extend to everyone, not just those with whom I agree. That being the case, I oppose legislating porn out of existence. That is not the right route to follow. Each time a company contacts me for an interview or to ask my opinions on porn, one of the first things I let them know is that I am against taking away the rights of pornographers.

I feel education is a better answer. We’re not “in a battle” with pornographers, we’re in a battle with ourselves. Those who wish to escape from some sort of attraction or addiction to pornography really need to look inwardly and stop blaming their problem on everyone else. Our problems and addictions will never be conquered if all we do is take away the temptations. I’d rather create a cure, not just treat the symptoms.

Much of the appeal of porn can be taken away be removing the mystery of porn. And thats what I intend to do with my life: educate others. My goal is to share some of the stories of porn production from my past, and in so doing I want to show men and women that the reality of pornography is not nearly as attractive as it’s made out to be. Pornography is not glamorous. The fantasy portrayed on camera doesn’t exist. There is an ugly human cost that is paid to bring this product to market.

In thinking of the best game plan to follow, my biggest problem is deciding how graphic to get with my writings. Many Christians seem to want to focus on pretty pictures. Too much muck and mire bothers them. But to show the true realities of life, sometimes the muck and mire needs to be shown. I’m concerned with the fact that, while most of my readers are adults, I probably have a few who are under the age of 18. In this age of the internet they’ve probably seen it all anyway, but it is still of concern to me.

Despite my concerns, in the very near future I will start a series of stories on the realities of pornography. It may turn your stomach. In fact, I hope it does. Showing the truth behind the myth just might help those of you who wish to lose your attraction to porn. In the very least, it will further open your eyes and make you realize exactly what you support by consuming this product.

In the meantime, please give your opinions as to what my limits should be, either in comments here or via private email. My email address is all over this blog. I’ll seriously consider all feedback.

The Gospel of Luke and the Acts of the Apostles were both written by Luke, who was a Gentile writing for his fellow Gentiles. Luke was an educated man, a doctor, and his accounts were written in a more “documentary” manner. I’ve been enjoying his writings because I appreciate his penchant for thinking from an academic perspective.

Allow me to think aloud here: the Acts of the Apostles is a compilation of stories that share with us the biographies of some of the first Christians. Could it be possible that the reason they’re included in the Bible is not only to show us examples of various life situations, but also to convey to us that we should document our own journeys with Christ, so that our stories help others?

This jumped out at me earlier this morning while I was reading Acts 27. The story of Paul’s shipwreck doesn’t really seem to be teaching us much about the fundamentals of Christianity. It seems to be just a story from Paul’s life and an example of sharing his beliefs with the crew. I was overcome with the feeling that documenting the stories of our own lives, whether mundane or exciting, may provide strength to others who face similar situations to our own.

I often go back to prior entries I’ve written, especially on days when I’m tired from spending 10 hours at an automobile dealership. Reading my prior entries reminds me of the presence of God I experienced on that particular day. I gain strength from witnessing how much I’ve grown in such a short time. The healing of my mind amazes me. God still performs miracles, my friends.

I will continue to share the ups and downs of my own struggles with all of you. I’ll share the exciting and the mundane. I’ll share the victories and the defeats. And I’d encourage you to do the same.

If you don’t have a blog, start one. If you’re not comfortable sharing your life stories with the public, write them down for family. Or simply email them to me. My email address can be found at the top of every blog entry. Whether good or bad, I’ll enjoy reading what you have to say.

As I read through numerous Christian oriented blogs and message boards, I marvel at the differences between those who take a more traditional approach to Christianity, versus those who make Jesus’ love the central focus of their beliefs. There seems to be a major movement toward the latter, and I’m very happy to witness it.

Those who follow the traditional path seem to receive pleasure in constantly reminding others of their sins. That has always annoyed me greatly. Lately I’ve surrounded myself with people who are motivated towards pursuit of a more “Christ-like” version of Christianity, and that seems to help diminish my burning dislike towards traditionalists. I hope to someday extinguish the urge to slap the judgmental upside the head, and instead embrace them in understanding, but for now I am still in head-slapping mode.

Psychology became a major interest to me while in college, and that interest continues to this day. I constantly find myself wondering what it is that motivates people to behave as they do, regardless of whether said behavior is positive or negative. What makes them tick? This morning I read a few blogs that vaguely remind me of the Westboro Baptist group (the “God Hates Fags” people). When blogs lean toward this approach, hate slogans seem to find their way into the comments section upon occasion. Why those who wish to represent Jesus would ever choose to use such terms is beyond me, but I do have a theory I’d like to propose:

I think it has to do with self(ish) motivation, as opposed to self(less) motivation. I’d be willing to stipulate most of those who are being selfish may not realize they’re doing so. Before clarifying what I mean, let me give some background information on what leads me to this conclusion.

When I was in high school my athletic abilities were not that great. I participated in sports, but in football, for instance, I was much more likely to be found playing the position of guard (the water bottle) than actually being a guard on the field. Academics were a different story. I excelled and received high marks in honors courses with hardly any study required. When nobody else was able to answer a question, the teacher often called on Donny. I had to try hard to keep the huge smile off my face when I was able to answer questions that stumped the rest of the class. That was my sense of “power”. I loved pointing out that those who had excelled in sports from previous high school years had graduated and could often be found working a cash register at Burger King, but “academics” from previous years were pursuing college and graduating with professional jobs.

In all aspects of life, I find people who put others down to make themselves look better. One reason for doing this is because a certain feeling of power comes with making oneself appear more “important” than someone else. This is true of Bible Thumpers as well, and from my very unscientific observations it appears to happen more to those who have no “power” in other aspects of their life. Thumping others upside the head with scripture provides a feeling of empowerment. God’s will is often cited, but I really don’t think the motivation has a thing to do with what God wants. It has to do with the selfish desire to feel power. And what better source of “power” than God himself? It’s hard to argue against “God said you must do such and such and this is the scripture that proves it!!”

I feel called to love others despite their sins. I have little chance of living up to that calling, but I look forward to making the attempt. To truly do what God asks of me I have to assassinate my desire for power, and must instead focus on becoming humble. One blog I read said something along this line:

Jesus could have done anything he wished, yet he decided to serve.

God, help me find the strength to do the same.

click to see the photo gallery

Out of the blue, Belinda and I received a letter from a Realtor in town asking if we were willing to sell our house. The letter stated he had a client interested in purchasing it, and that if we were interested in selling he’d like to talk to us. The only people we’ve informed of our need to get rid of the house are our friends and family (and all of you who read the blog of course), so I had no idea why such a letter would arrive precisely when we were trying to decide what to do with it. I’ve been resigned to the idea of foreclosure, because the market is so slow here in Redding, and 3 houses on our block have been for sale for months.

I called him immediately. We now have a “For Sale” sign sitting out front, and he has people who want to come take a look. Hopefully the clients he mentioned will buy it. If not, at least it’s on the market now, so it’s fair game for all. If you know someone in the Redding area, or wishing to move to the Redding area, tell them to check this place out.

Click the photo thumbnail above or click here to see more.

This blog entry may come across as a bit of a bummer, but please know that while my heart may be heavy, my soul is so free. I have an inner peace and a joy that I haven’t had in a very long time. Many will question why I pour out such personal matters in public, but you must realize writing is a great help to me. I know others identify with many of the issues I write about, and the emails and blog comments I receive from my readers encourage me greatly. Hearing the stories of others who face similar situations helps me realize I am not alone.

So begins today’s blog…

You’ve heard the term heavy hearted. The last few days I’ve come to personally know what it means. My heart literally feels heavy, as if it’s trying to drop into my stomach.

Two factors contribute to this feeling. First on the list is Belinda. The other issue can be summed up in two words: bill collectors.

First things first.

Since Thursday, Belinda has been in Los Angeles at an adult industry convention known as Webmaster Access West. Industry conventions are great places to network and acquire new business, but the highlights of these conventions and the reason so many people attend are the elaborate parties that continue until 4am each day. This particular event culminates in the mother of all parties: a night at the Playboy Mansion for those lucky enough to receive an invitation.

It saddens me that Belinda’s there, surrounded by people who pretend to be her friend while speaking face to face or while intoxicated, yet don’t really give a crap about her at any other time. The two of us have attended numerous conventions all over the country. That after-party letdown still exists while together, but it’s dulled by being there with someone who loves you. This time she’s there alone, with nobody to truly care about her when the party subsides. She’s called a few times and admitted to feeling depressed anytime there’s “nothing going on”. I emailed her a few days ago:

All of those “fun” things are temporary fulfillments of permanent problems. I know you have a hard time understanding why I’d give everything up to follow something I ridiculed for so long. What you don’t know is that Jesus fills that void for me. Once I surrendered myself to him he became so real. Up until the point of surrender it’s impossible to realize how nice it is to just accept him. It’s really a warm feeling inside. Even on bad days, it feels good to be free of the business.

She’s been attending “after parties” in the suite of one of Playboy’s Vice Presidents. I went on to write:

It’s so “great” to hang out with the bigwigs from Playboy but none of those people truly care about you, and you’ll hardly cross their mind until you meet them again at the next show or send them a content package. Think about this for a minute: a bit of attention from them, a handshake and a few hours of hanging out drinking buys them your devotion for the rest of the year. They don’t have to recruit the models and feel the guilt when daddies no longer want to speak with their daughters, because we do that for them. They’re insulated from the human toll it takes for them to make a living. They buy that insulation from you and I with a few thousand dollars per model and a handshake at a show. I doubt they’d have the back bone to take a phone call from a crying girl.

I know deep inside she feels the same way I do about this business. But without the hope of Christ she feels there is no choice but to continue doing what she’s known these last several years. I feel so inadequate talking to her about the Bible and God’s love because all she’s ever heard from me is the bashing I used to do. Those of you who read my blog before I surrendered my life to God probably remember some of the horrible things I said about Christianity. Belinda’s heard that for the entire time we’ve been together – almost 6 years. And now I’ve done a 180 degree turn in everything I believe.

Or was it a change of mind after all? The more I think about the way I used to profess believing, the more I realize that deep inside I knew I was wrong. I fought very hard against the truth, and my words and the opinions I wrote were one of the ways I tried to convince myself that I was okay following a selfish path. How do I show that to Belinda? I’m failing hard so far. As I wrote a few days ago, anytime she begins to question my conversion by throwing some of my old attitudes in my face I get angry with her. So much for showing the love of Jesus. I desperately pray for God to help me find a way.
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The bill collectors have begun to call. I’ve been preparing myself for it but it still gets me down a bit. I can’t begin to describe how it feels to be able to work one day and make more than enough to pay both car payments, or even a house payment. I have a 2006 Honda Accord that I purchased new earlier this year. My payment is almost $600 for that one. And a second vehicle, a 2003 Chevy truck with a Duramax diesel engine, also runs in the mid $600s each month.

Had I been more responsible with the money I made in porn I’d have paid cash for everything. After a very poor background as a Pastor’s son, my ego loved nothing more than having to prove my income when making a purchase. It was fun to watch a salesman’s face when I pulled out documentation proving income that rarely dropped below $20k per month. The only reason it would even get that low is because I’d feel lazy and would decide to work half a month and vacation the other two weeks. If Belinda and I worked hard, our monthly income easily exceeded $50k, yet we’d have all that money spent within weeks. It was so easy to simply make a phone call, schedule a model, pick up a camera, and be paid by the end of the day, or at most 2 days later. My clients were great. I’d invoice them via email and many of them would wire the money into my account. Even the “slow” payers would fed-ex out a check for 1 or 2 day delivery. Saving was always something I’d do later. It was just too much fun to live life as large as possible.

What an idiot!

Now I have to prioritize where I spend the limited money I make (oh poor poor Donny – he gets to experience real life). My first priority is to Wendy and Caden (if you’re new here, that’s my ex-wife and my 6 year old son). I’d rather have to lose my vehicles and ride the b
us than to make them suffer. Wendy’s already agreed to accept a fraction of the amount I used to pay her, but that’s still going to be a struggle to provide. Last month XXXChurch let the need be known and God came through for her. I didn’t ask nor want them to send anything my way because I didn’t want to diminish what was being sent to Wendy. I borrowed some money from Belinda, but there’s no way I’ll ever be able to pay her back. Besides, borrowing from her is still benefiting from porn and encouraging her to continue producing it. In part of the same email I referenced above, I wrote the following to Belinda:

It hurts my heart that I got you involved in this business, and it hurts it even worse knowing you don’t want to give it up. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you’ve experienced all the same things I have, yet you wish to continue. I don’t want to be accusing, but Belinda, we ruined lives. No matter what excuses we made to justify TO OURSELVES that what we were doing is okay, the fact remains that we ruined lives. It is so selfish. SO selfish. And that’s part of the reason I don’t want any of our possessions. I don’t want things that we purchased with porn money, because it came at a really high cost to someone else. Personally, I won’t be surprised if both cars are repossessed soon. But I’m okay with that because everything I purchased while in the business was done so at the expense of models whose lives will be worse for posing for us. Poor credit is a small price to pay. I’ll almost feel guilty if that’s all I get in return for 9 years of porn production.

That’s truly how I feel, but it’s still very uncomfortable while sitting here right in the middle of the financial storm. I can’t wait for it to pass. I am encouraged by the fact that, even in the middle of said storm, I don’t have the slightest desire to resume my old life.

Thank God for that.