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I Haven't Been a Good Example to Belinda

November 2nd, 2006 Leave a comment Go to comments

Belinda thinks I’ve gone bonkers. She loves me anyway, but keeps asking for a return of the old Donny.

The few times I’ve tried communicating my new beliefs to her, she’s responded by rolling her eyes or laughing in ridicule. In return, I’ve became a bit mean. My attitude towards her has been horrible. I snap or answer her questions with disrespect.

One morning after I returned from church she asked a question that nearly broke my heart.

“Why don’t you invite me to go with you? Don’t you want me to have a chance to meet Jesus too?”

Because I knew she didn’t really have a desire to “meet Jesus”, my ego caused me to respond with:

“You can make your own choices. I am not going to push my beliefs onto you. You know I’m going to church and you can just as easily ride along. You don’t need an invitation from me.”

Inside I knew what Jesus would say about the situation:

“You want me to use you to help others see my love. Here is a perfect first opportunity, and you’re blowing it. She rolls her eyes at you? She laughs? You think THAT is persecution? If you really believe that you’ve got a long way to go before I can use you to help anyone else.”

Sometimes she looks at me and I can almost hear the question she’s asking inside:

“What is it that changed this man I’ve loved so long? He claims to be so much happier now, but I definitely don’t see it in his actions towards me!”

The attitude has got to go. There’s no place for it if I want to reflect Jesus’ love in my life.

Since that day, I try to make a point of inviting her to come with me to church. So far my invitations haven’t been accepted, but at least they’ve been extended.

I wonder how many of us allow bitterness to arise inside at the slightest bit of ridicule from those we love? I know this is one test I’ve been failing miserably.

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  • Anonymous

    Wow. Powerful post, and powerful blog. I’ll be checking back.Thanks for visiting me and commenting on my picture of the giraffe :D

  • Anonymous

    Wow. Powerful post, and powerful blog. I’ll be checking back.

    Thanks for visiting me and commenting on my picture of the giraffe :D

  • Anonymous

    What a blog! I’ll be praying for you, man. And pray for me. I’m one of those guys who struggles with the absurb availability of pornography on the net.

  • Anonymous

    What a blog! I’ll be praying for you, man. And pray for me. I’m one of those guys who struggles with the absurb availability of pornography on the net.

  • Anonymous

    Bitterness has been my biggest “demon” for sure.Ron

  • Anonymous

    Bitterness has been my biggest “demon” for sure.

    Ron

  • Anonymous

    Hey Donny, I hear you. Not that our situations are identical but I feel what you’re saying. My wife is a Christian, raised in a pastor’s home all of her life. But when I try and share with here a new idea or crazy thought for ministry, she seems to throw cold water on my fire, every time! It’s a bit discouraging and I feel like I shouldn’t even tell her my dreams because she constantly shoots them down. Even when I started my blog, divulgence, she was uncaring and unconcerned. I catch her reading it when I come home though :) I know she loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me but she’s a bit reserved and traditional. I’m not either of the two. I just plug away man…that’s what we have to do. Plug away, God will take care of the incidentals.Btw, I know we just met on the blogosphere a few days ago but I just want you to know, I’m proud of you and the changes your allowing God to work through you!

  • Anonymous

    Hey Donny, I hear you. Not that our situations are identical but I feel what you’re saying. My wife is a Christian, raised in a pastor’s home all of her life. But when I try and share with here a new idea or crazy thought for ministry, she seems to throw cold water on my fire, every time! It’s a bit discouraging and I feel like I shouldn’t even tell her my dreams because she constantly shoots them down. Even when I started my blog, divulgence, she was uncaring and unconcerned. I catch her reading it when I come home though :) I know she loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me but she’s a bit reserved and traditional. I’m not either of the two. I just plug away man…that’s what we have to do. Plug away, God will take care of the incidentals.

    Btw, I know we just met on the blogosphere a few days ago but I just want you to know, I’m proud of you and the changes your allowing God to work through you!

  • Jemila Monroe

    Hi Donny,This may sound like a funny suggestion, but have you thought about being vulnerable with your wife about your doubts and inner conflicts, as well as your longing for God and your decision to follow Jesus to the best of your ability?Last week I heard someone preach in a sermon on this idea of a spiritual continuum, on which everyone finds themselves somewhere: Cynic, Skeptic, Seeker or Bliever. I personally believe most of us are all of these at once, somehow. And for those of us who mostly parade around our inner “believer,” that can be intimidating to somone whose main mode is skeptic or cynic. But if we trust God enough to let our inner doubter be honest with the rest of us, and to be part of the spiritual conversations we have with people we love…well then we stop coming across as self-righteous jerks and start sounding a little more genuine. Like maybe if we’re polarized in one aspect, the other person just reacts by being polarized the other way, but if we get out of our expected role and make room for those real parts we wouldn’t necessarily expose in certain Christian circles, maybe the cynic can also open to the parts of her that sense something greater, or long to believe and belong to a Being who is Love.Just some thoughts from a Jesus-loving heretic :)

  • Jemila Monroe

    Hi Donny,

    This may sound like a funny suggestion, but have you thought about being vulnerable with your wife about your doubts and inner conflicts, as well as your longing for God and your decision to follow Jesus to the best of your ability?

    Last week I heard someone preach in a sermon on this idea of a spiritual continuum, on which everyone finds themselves somewhere: Cynic, Skeptic, Seeker or Bliever. I personally believe most of us are all of these at once, somehow. And for those of us who mostly parade around our inner “believer,” that can be intimidating to somone whose main mode is skeptic or cynic. But if we trust God enough to let our inner doubter be honest with the rest of us, and to be part of the spiritual conversations we have with people we love…well then we stop coming across as self-righteous jerks and start sounding a little more genuine. Like maybe if we’re polarized in one aspect, the other person just reacts by being polarized the other way, but if we get out of our expected role and make room for those real parts we wouldn’t necessarily expose in certain Christian circles, maybe the cynic can also open to the parts of her that sense something greater, or long to believe and belong to a Being who is Love.

    Just some thoughts from a Jesus-loving heretic :)

  • Sprittibee

    Hang in there and keep your eyes on Jesus. Trust me, there’s nothing a woman secretly wants more than a God-fearing and upright man! Eventually, Christ will shine forth from you and she won’t be able to resist Him. Thanks for sharing this and visiting my blog.

  • Sprittibee

    Hang in there and keep your eyes on Jesus. Trust me, there’s nothing a woman secretly wants more than a God-fearing and upright man! Eventually, Christ will shine forth from you and she won’t be able to resist Him. Thanks for sharing this and visiting my blog.

  • arthttp://pastor-art.com

    Donny! Dude I am in tears. Pastor Art here. . . we e-talked across 6 months or so. . . a while back. I stopped when you hit the Pboy mansion faze. You seemed gone absorbed in the wow of it all. Then the Russian dude who hosted the blog site disappeared. But you have been on my heart just recently. I spoke with a couple other pastors about you last week. Tonite I thought “I wonder what Donny has been doing?” Then I found “former” porn guy on google. Called my wife in to rejoice. Loved what Spirittibee said to you. I could feel the truth. Belinda. . . God can use her laughs and your faithfulness. You always had a heart Donny . . . Now you have His and that will speak. So glad for Caden and his mom. I pray good things for you and a stewardship of the influence God has set at your door. Grace man. I would be good to hear from you. Art

  • arthttp://pastor-art.com

    Donny! Dude I am in tears. Pastor Art here. . . we e-talked across 6 months or so. . . a while back. I stopped when you hit the Pboy mansion faze. You seemed gone absorbed in the wow of it all. Then the Russian dude who hosted the blog site disappeared. But you have been on my heart just recently. I spoke with a couple other pastors about you last week. Tonite I thought “I wonder what Donny has been doing?” Then I found “former” porn guy on google. Called my wife in to rejoice. Loved what Spirittibee said to you. I could feel the truth. Belinda. . . God can use her laughs and your faithfulness. You always had a heart Donny . . . Now you have His and that will speak. So glad for Caden and his mom. I pray good things for you and a stewardship of the influence God has set at your door. Grace man. I would be good to hear from you. Art

  • Donny

    Pastor Art,I tried looking you up a few days ago. I’m glad you made it back. We MUST talk. :) - Donny -

  • Donny

    Pastor Art,

    I tried looking you up a few days ago. I’m glad you made it back. We MUST talk. :)

    - Donny -

  • FromHisRibhttp://www.myspace.c

    Donny,I had wondered what this would do to your relationship with Belinda and was even brazen enough to ask you about it and you were humble enough to answer me.I, someone who has proclaimed to follow Christ for a few years and then some now have learned a lot from your spirit of humility and your spirit of candidness. You seem to have a good balance of both.Inspirational to me.I need more humility in my life.As far as Belinda is concerned, I agree, your words need to match your lifestyle. I am glad you were sensitive to the Holy Spirit speaking to your heart and that you are reconciling this issue to God.Kudos, kiddo!

  • FromHisRibhttp://www.myspace.com/fromhisrib

    Donny,

    I had wondered what this would do to your relationship with Belinda and was even brazen enough to ask you about it and you were humble enough to answer me.

    I, someone who has proclaimed to follow Christ for a few years and then some now have learned a lot from your spirit of humility and your spirit of candidness. You seem to have a good balance of both.
    Inspirational to me.

    I need more humility in my life.

    As far as Belinda is concerned, I agree, your words need to match your lifestyle. I am glad you were sensitive to the Holy Spirit speaking to your heart and that you are reconciling this issue to God.

    Kudos, kiddo!

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for sharing that. May God continue to lead you on and reveal His glory to you and others through His Son.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for sharing that. May God continue to lead you on and reveal His glory to you and others through His Son.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t have an account yet, but I won’t be “annonymous,” my name is Ben.Thank you for this entry, Donny. This was very touching to me in its tragedy, but even more so in how you discribed Jesus’ idea of the situation… I needed that.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t have an account yet, but I won’t be “annonymous,” my name is Ben.

    Thank you for this entry, Donny. This was very touching to me in its tragedy, but even more so in how you discribed Jesus’ idea of the situation… I needed that.

  • Adam

    You really spoke to me just now, I’ve been trying to get through to my mom that she needs to deal with her past (having had an abortion years ago), and that this is why she gambles like she does, trying to run from it (another thing I’ve been getting on her to stop). The thing is though, I’m not conveying it in a very nice way, a lot of times I come up as angry or mean, sometimes yelling at her about it all.

    I know that isn’t the way, and that if she is to change, I have to show her that I have changed as well. I have to start showing her the love and healing God has brought into my life, and that He can bring it into hers too if he’ll let her. Until I can do that, I won’t be able to get through to her. Basically I have to work on myself first (being someone who has my own problems, as a porn addict trying to break free), and get myself better before I can help her become better.

  • Adam

    You really spoke to me just now, I’ve been trying to get through to my mom that she needs to deal with her past (having had an abortion years ago), and that this is why she gambles like she does, trying to run from it (another thing I’ve been getting on her to stop). The thing is though, I’m not conveying it in a very nice way, a lot of times I come up as angry or mean, sometimes yelling at her about it all.

    I know that isn’t the way, and that if she is to change, I have to show her that I have changed as well. I have to start showing her the love and healing God has brought into my life, and that He can bring it into hers too if he’ll let her. Until I can do that, I won’t be able to get through to her. Basically I have to work on myself first (being someone who has my own problems, as a porn addict trying to break free), and get myself better before I can help her become better.