Who Am I Kidding?

March 20th, 2007 Leave a comment Go to comments

Like I’ll ever be able to shut my mouth…

Last week was a hard week. I felt like a miserable failure due to something that happened more than a decade ago. I’d tried forgetting about it, and had been able to do so to an extent. It rose up and smacked me in the face.

The thing is, I had yet to bring it to God in prayer. Nor had I asked for his forgiveness. Even after doing so, I still felt worthless. I still felt unusable. I felt like life was over.

Ridiculous to feel this way? Sure. Yet some of those feelings linger still. My initial reaction was a desire to shut down every unnecessary action and lock myself in a cave somewhere with nothing but my Bible and some Christian books, hoping that God would eventually forgive.

I’m not going to let feelings of shame keep me in a gutter. I’ll ask God’s opinion on how to address this properly, do so, and keep moving forward.

Hiatus over (as if it ever really began). I like it here. I’ll just keep reminding myself that I’m still a broken man. The fact that I am broken doesn’t mean I can’t be fixed. God’s grace and forgiveness covers ALL sins, even those that cause us to feel worthless.

Let’s see if I can learn something from this. Sometimes it seems an individual’s mistakes end up making them a better person. Let it be so, God. Let it be so.

________________________

By the way, Donald Miller‘s To Own a Dragon is an amazing book. I read it this weekend.

Categories: Books, Donald Miller, Donny Pauling, Failure, Forgiveness, Grace, Prayer, To Own a Dragon Tags:
  • http://geocities.com/andrearussell2004 heaintthroughwithmeyet

    Hi DONNY,
    you dont have to be ashamed of nothing from your past since you walk with the Lord. You asked for forgiveness whenever you received Christ. All your failures/sins from before that are forgiven and you HAVE to believe this or you make God a Liar. Now if there is anything you havent asked forgiveness for SINCE you walk with Him, than you should do that and PRESS FORWARD!
    Whatever you did it will be or is already forgiven and you shouldnt pain yourself with it any longer. Its all nailed to the Cross for you and me :)

    Love and Blessings
    Andrea
    PS thanks for stopping and commenting on my blog :)

  • http://geocities.com/andrearussell2004 heaintthroughwithmeyet

    Hi DONNY,
    you dont have to be ashamed of nothing from your past since you walk with the Lord. You asked for forgiveness whenever you received Christ. All your failures/sins from before that are forgiven and you HAVE to believe this or you make God a Liar. Now if there is anything you havent asked forgiveness for SINCE you walk with Him, than you should do that and PRESS FORWARD!
    Whatever you did it will be or is already forgiven and you shouldnt pain yourself with it any longer. Its all nailed to the Cross for you and me :)

    Love and Blessings
    Andrea
    PS thanks for stopping and commenting on my blog :)

  • Hank

    Donny,

    You’ve no doubt heard this before, but I’m gonna say it anyway: Thank you. Your realness and transparancy is more of a witness and encouragement than almost anything else I have seen. You are in my prayers almost daily (I do forget sometimes, sorry!). I know it can be difficult living this transformation into Christ-likeness so publicly, and I did not blame you in the least in wanting to go private for a while. Sometimes we Christians want to put high profile salvations out in front of the world before they are ready. My prayer for you is that you do whatever it takes for YOU to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. As much as I have been blessed by your blog, it would be selfish for me, or any of us, to begrudge you shutting this down for awhile until you are ready. Do what it takes, bro. We are with you.

    P.S., do whatever it takes to be the best dad you can to your boy. I have a seven year old son, and I can see through your blog that you love your’s almost as much as I love mine ;-}. You are his example of God the Father, and if your love is any indication, you are doing a great job. Love in Christ, Hank.

  • Hank

    Donny,

    You’ve no doubt heard this before, but I’m gonna say it anyway: Thank you. Your realness and transparancy is more of a witness and encouragement than almost anything else I have seen. You are in my prayers almost daily (I do forget sometimes, sorry!). I know it can be difficult living this transformation into Christ-likeness so publicly, and I did not blame you in the least in wanting to go private for a while. Sometimes we Christians want to put high profile salvations out in front of the world before they are ready. My prayer for you is that you do whatever it takes for YOU to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. As much as I have been blessed by your blog, it would be selfish for me, or any of us, to begrudge you shutting this down for awhile until you are ready. Do what it takes, bro. We are with you.

    P.S., do whatever it takes to be the best dad you can to your boy. I have a seven year old son, and I can see through your blog that you love your’s almost as much as I love mine ;-}. You are his example of God the Father, and if your love is any indication, you are doing a great job. Love in Christ, Hank.

  • Josh

    Glad you’re back Donny. I love these blogs, I learn as much from them as you do from writing them.

    Stay strong. You can and will get through this.

    -Josh

  • Josh

    Glad you’re back Donny. I love these blogs, I learn as much from them as you do from writing them.

    Stay strong. You can and will get through this.

    -Josh

  • http://pistolpete.wordpress.com/ pistolpete

    I have a friend recovering from porn addiction – “X-tra Entry” on my blog “Necessary Therapy” (http://pistolpete.wordpress.com)

    I praise God for His grace to deliver all who battle the enemy in the area of sexual temptation. May God continue to give you power and purpose and a hedge of protection to carry out your ministry.

  • http://pistolpete.wordpress.com pistolpete

    I have a friend recovering from porn addiction – “X-tra Entry” on my blog “Necessary Therapy” (http://pistolpete.wordpress.com)

    I praise God for His grace to deliver all who battle the enemy in the area of sexual temptation. May God continue to give you power and purpose and a hedge of protection to carry out your ministry.

  • http://www.deanabbott.typepad.com/ Dean

    Donny,

    These struggle go on an on sometimes. That’s life in a fallen world. We’re all broken people down here, broken by the crimes we’ve suffered and by those we’ve commited. That’s the way it goes. Grace is what gets us through and it comes in a million little ways.

    Your blog has been one of those ways for me. I just want to say how much I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read here and how much I admire what you’re doing. Your honesty is refreshing in a world of so much “instant healing” garbage and evangelical triumphalism. Keep it up.

  • http://www.deanabbott.typepad.com Dean

    Donny,

    These struggle go on an on sometimes. That’s life in a fallen world. We’re all broken people down here, broken by the crimes we’ve suffered and by those we’ve commited. That’s the way it goes. Grace is what gets us through and it comes in a million little ways.

    Your blog has been one of those ways for me. I just want to say how much I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read here and how much I admire what you’re doing. Your honesty is refreshing in a world of so much “instant healing” garbage and evangelical triumphalism. Keep it up.

  • kf

    I know you had your reasons for deciding to take a break and all, but I was really bummed you were going to stop writing! I’m glad you’re back and that we can continue to hear what God has to say to and through you.

  • kf

    I know you had your reasons for deciding to take a break and all, but I was really bummed you were going to stop writing! I’m glad you’re back and that we can continue to hear what God has to say to and through you.

  • http://www.healingrevivalist.com/ David

    I was reading a book called God’s Generals recently and was surprised to hear that Evan Roberts, who lead the Welsh Revival in the early 1900s, had a major downfall when he became very introspective. Essentially he shut himself off and became an intercessor (which is by no means a bad thing) and stopped doing what God had called him to do. The introspection led to depression and him just shutting himself off from the world, bringing the Welsh Revival to an end.

  • http://www.healingrevivalist.com David

    I was reading a book called God’s Generals recently and was surprised to hear that Evan Roberts, who lead the Welsh Revival in the early 1900s, had a major downfall when he became very introspective. Essentially he shut himself off and became an intercessor (which is by no means a bad thing) and stopped doing what God had called him to do. The introspection led to depression and him just shutting himself off from the world, bringing the Welsh Revival to an end.