Male spiritual leadership, in an efforts, to apply bandaids to the bleeding going on as a result of the ascension of pornographic culture is addressing the addict and cheater. But ignoring the hurting women in their midst.

I watched the video about your friend Steve and his wife Anne, and with all due respect, there was an emphasis on the emotions Steve displayed while his wife sat strongly (blinking back tears) and with dignity (despite the disgrace and indignity her husband had dumped in her lap). She even took the blame a bit off of him by admitting her job hurt their marriage. Hmmm. Sure, the sinner deserves compassion, and we are all sinners! But somewhere else on this site, someone (maybe you?) said they had a problem with whiners. I’m sorry, but the men of my own church and the pastor himself are perpetuating the ideas that these men are “victims” of the culture and wives who will not dress as they like or have sex often or in styles that the men want. Men are continually testifying from the pulpit these days, “It’s hard to be a man.” (Ha, try giving birth, big fellas! Women may whine, but I gotta say, men are getting shriller by the minute. Where’s the fortitude, folks?!)

When men whine about this issue and how victimized they are instead of putting God and their wives first as well as taking strong accountability for their sin choices, quite honestly, the women get fed and up and no longer see them as strong leaders in families, church or the world in general. Is it any surprise that feminism came to such a head not too long after Playboy infiltrated America? When men fail to lead and be what God has called them to be, what happens to women and children? No need to point the fingers at feminism for man’s emasculation. . . seems man, unwittingly (?) or no, chose for himSELF that course.

If all the women sitting in church pews today came out from their silence and spoke the truth about the great harm men’s sexual sins have caused to them personally, I dare say that the church’s influence (what is left of it) would be undone. . . and that is scary sad.

Men must be confronted toughly, boldly and with compassion, of course. Men must wake up, and church discipline must be exercised by the leadership. My own pastor recently said he didn’t want to confront the man in our congregation (who is being allowed to continue teaching a class on “The Disciplines of a Godly Man”) who was not quite through a divorce (his wife having up and left him for we-don’t-know-why). . . the pastor said he didn’t want to exercise discipline because he “didn’t want to run him off”. While I do not advocating running people off, I do think it’s imprudent for leadership to act so timidly when dealing head-on with sin that destroys families and defiles what God intended as a reflection of the New Covenant. It’s downright wimpy. Wimpiness has nothing to do with compassion.

This issue of pornography inside the church, I predict, is about implode in full out rebellion of women if the ignoring and silencing continues. I speak to men who are “finding it hard to be a man”: try pretending to be the women that have been devastated by your sin choice. There are no excuses, and you guys really want to rescue your wife and treat her as Christ treated His own Bride, well, you gotta keep on “dying to self”. Step up, and quit whining.

Us women need the leadership of PURE, MORALLY INTACT, RIGHTEOUS men. Will you be one of those? Or will you be a wimp?

Leadership, geez, wake up! The women are hurting, and if you hate feminism, well then do what God commanded you to do.

But I don’t encourage divorce.

But I don’t encourage divorce.

Don’t get me wrong, the days ARE getting better in our marriage. And I stick it through b/c I have seen the change and the restoration. And b/c I know restoration doesn’t happen in a matter of days, months, or even years. It takes time.

Don’t get me wrong, the days ARE getting better in our marriage. And I stick it through b/c I have seen the change and the restoration. And b/c I know restoration doesn’t happen in a matter of days, months, or even years. It takes time.

In 2007, my husband decided to start an affair online w/ someone he was in an online class with, followed by meeting her in person a month later.

Thankfully, I found out the day he came back from visiting her (he had said he was going to see his parent). I left 2 days later and traveled states away with our daughter who would be turning 1 a month later.

For almost 2 months we were separated. He rarely ever called to talk to his daughter, he missed her first birthday, he told me horrible things on the phone about what he did w/ this girl and how he felt about her supposedly and even that he no longer believed in God. I was so devastated, I would pray for God to take my life. How horrible of a mother I must be if her dad didn’t want to be with me and how I had taken her away from him. Just to back track, I had left those 2 days later because he told me he wasn’t going to stop seeing her, etc. I didn’t know how to function being in that home. I literally felt like my heart was on the ground and I could barely get up the next days to take care of our daughter. I had to leave to be able to function for our child. So I left to go back to where my parents live.

During these 2 months, he sunk deeper and deeper into his “hole”. When we did decide to get back together, it was the hardest decision I think I’ve made in my life. Looking back, there were things we should of done differently, such as us doing therapy while separated, etc rather then just getting back together so quickly…but due to him living in another state and probably just the heightened emotions of the moment from seeing each other, I chose to go back, states away from the comfort & security of my family, to try to make things work…I would cry every single day. For the pain he caused, what he did, and b/c I was so scared and didn’t know what my future would hold. I also got pregnant right away with our 2nd child. I thought about abortion b/c I was so afraid of being a single mom to two and not being able to provide b/c if my husband slipped again, there would be no way I’d give him a 2nd chance…but I put my trust in the Lord. This was the first time in my life that I started to learn what it meant to trust in the Lord.

Almost every single day for about a year, I cried. Our home life was MISERABLE. He even got let go from his job 3 months after we got back together due to him being so caught up in his affair that he not only let his family go, but his job. All he had cared about was her. Here he had his family barely hanging on by a thread, a pregnant wife, and no job.

I also want to mention that the girl found out she had herpes right after sleeping with him. He did get tested and so did I, but thankfully, now 3 yrs after that time, he has never had anything show up (on him or in a test) and neither have I. I prayed continuously about this, for the Lord to at least protect me and my child so we didn’t have to suffer for his sins in that way. I obviously feel the Lord has kept us protected…

So, when we were reaching our 1 yr, he started to feel convicted about some other stuff…I wouldn’t come to know everything but a little at a time…talk about ripping open a healing wound and making it even more deeper then it already was…but, about a year later, he confessed to me some more details about the time period (like taking her to our home, after I had left him, and sleeping w/ her in our bed…he had told me that he didn’t do this….thankfully we had sold that bed when we moved for his new job). I reacted w/ a right hand hook to his jaw. Ha!

Then about 3-4 months after that, he came upon a video by the Speeds: http://www.paulspeed.com/…and after watching it, decided to tell me about how he has had a porn addiction pretty much since he was a young teen. How he fantasized (even after the affair) about the porn, about our neighbors, even the girl he slept with, and…even one of my best friends!

I had absolutely no clue he was viewing porn and masturbating so much. No clue. Pornography grew into much more–adultery. Which tends to be the result with most men (whether it’s adultery, homosexuality, hookers, etc).

Anyways, a couple months later he joined Prodigals and he is now a year into sobriety. That means no pornography, affairs, etc. We are now 3 yrs from when he had his affair.

Today I can say that while I forgive him for what he has done, I’m not in love with him. I grieve almost daily for the life I don’t have that I deserved…I grieve for the person I lost and who I’ve become…I even grieve for the things he’s missed out on due to being so caught up in his sin, like missing his daughters 1st birthday–something he’ll never get to have a memory of. I grieve for so much.

BUT, I DO believe the Lord will restore my heart and is slowly restoring it…I have been learning so much about myself, about how I am broken. My husband has changed a lot since Prodigals. He’s learned so much about himself, why he was doing what he was doing, what he’s done to me, etc.

It would be so easy for me to walk away from this marriage. SO dang easy. I can’t tell you how often I have thought about it and still do. I love my husband, but am not in love and I grieve for how much he’s pained me…Heck, I’ve thought about suicide so many times b/c I have HATED the anger I feel, how horrible of a mom I can be due to the anger, etc. I’ve screamed in such hate that I swear I’ve seen red from the hate I’ve felt towards him…so much that I’ve felt possessed b/c of just the extreme intensity of the anger I’ve felt.

We are working on this marriage though, as we are working on ourselves…I know love can be restored. We don’t have to feel in love to stay in a marriage. I trust in my God that he will restore the love that was there and make it even more and that this relationship will be even even better one…I’m slowly getting there and that’s why I feel that way.

My husband & I both have talked about one day being able to minister together…For so long, I’ve dealt with my situation by myself b/c this stuff is not openly talked about. Reading that woman’s letter made my heart pang…While I can understand your ex wife’s hurt, I do not agree w/ her. There needs to be more women who have stuck it through and come along side wives that are barely hanging in there…maybe that could of helped your ex wife? However, please do not think I’m discrediting anything your ex went through. I can’t say what I would of done in her shoes. All I’m saying is that there needs to be others coming along side and saying “HEY! I went through this and your pain is ok and it’s normal and you can do this! If you want to make your marriage work, let me help keep you encourage”…so I am saying this in regards to the women who want someone to encourage them that YES, it is ABSOLUTELY possible for your marriage to be restored and made EVEN better! Can I promise that? NO! But you just put your trust in the Lord and take it day by day….YES, I do think separation should occur when sin like that is not being dealt with…but to say divorce when this woman who wrote you is so raw and just wanting to have someone tell her what she should do, I don’t think is a good idea…Especially considering what this woman REALLY wants another woman to say, who has been in similar shoes– “honey, keep hanging in there if that’s what you feel you should do…trust in the Lord and YES, he CAN change your husband”. No, you’re not making her have false hope, but you are encouraging her to trust in the restoration that God CAN and DOES bring.

Anyways, I’m VERY proud of my husband & I for sticking in there…He has dealt with verbal abuse from me for the past 3 years and I’ve dealt with all the pain and “what will never be” that’s he’s caused, for the past 3 yrs. It is ABSOLUTELY by the grace of God that we are still together. We want to be a testimony to Him…we want to be an encouragement for other marriages b/c this is a COMMON problem. If everyone gave up, broken homes would be all we know.

I’m not saying divorce is not an option. But, I am saying that divorce doesn’t have to be the answer.

Donny, I would love to be of any help if a woman reads this and is still hanging in there with her marriage and just needs that encouragement. I’ve been there and am still there.

I’m very thankful that I have stayed. I’ve been on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand, tears streaming down while I can barely breath, wanting to end the pain and my suffering–just wanting to stop seeing my husband, to have to stop choosing DAILY to keep living my life with him, but I can say that the Lord was beside me with his hand on me, comforting me, and pulling me closer to him…

Good for you, Donny, for getting sober. Praise the lord. Just as I said what my husband & I hope for our marriage to be, this is what your blog is–a testimony and encouragement to others who are battling what you have.

In 2007, my husband decided to start an affair online w/ someone he was in an online class with, followed by meeting her in person a month later.

Thankfully, I found out the day he came back from visiting her (he had said he was going to see his parent). I left 2 days later and traveled states away with our daughter who would be turning 1 a month later.

For almost 2 months we were separated. He rarely ever called to talk to his daughter, he missed her first birthday, he told me horrible things on the phone about what he did w/ this girl and how he felt about her supposedly and even that he no longer believed in God. I was so devastated, I would pray for God to take my life. How horrible of a mother I must be if her dad didn’t want to be with me and how I had taken her away from him. Just to back track, I had left those 2 days later because he told me he wasn’t going to stop seeing her, etc. I didn’t know how to function being in that home. I literally felt like my heart was on the ground and I could barely get up the next days to take care of our daughter. I had to leave to be able to function for our child. So I left to go back to where my parents live.

During these 2 months, he sunk deeper and deeper into his “hole”. When we did decide to get back together, it was the hardest decision I think I’ve made in my life. Looking back, there were things we should of done differently, such as us doing therapy while separated, etc rather then just getting back together so quickly…but due to him living in another state and probably just the heightened emotions of the moment from seeing each other, I chose to go back, states away from the comfort & security of my family, to try to make things work…I would cry every single day. For the pain he caused, what he did, and b/c I was so scared and didn’t know what my future would hold. I also got pregnant right away with our 2nd child. I thought about abortion b/c I was so afraid of being a single mom to two and not being able to provide b/c if my husband slipped again, there would be no way I’d give him a 2nd chance…but I put my trust in the Lord. This was the first time in my life that I started to learn what it meant to trust in the Lord.

Almost every single day for about a year, I cried. Our home life was MISERABLE. He even got let go from his job 3 months after we got back together due to him being so caught up in his affair that he not only let his family go, but his job. All he had cared about was her. Here he had his family barely hanging on by a thread, a pregnant wife, and no job.

I also want to mention that the girl found out she had herpes right after sleeping with him. He did get tested and so did I, but thankfully, now 3 yrs after that time, he has never had anything show up (on him or in a test) and neither have I. I prayed continuously about this, for the Lord to at least protect me and my child so we didn’t have to suffer for his sins in that way. I obviously feel the Lord has kept us protected…

So, when we were reaching our 1 yr, he started to feel convicted about some other stuff…I wouldn’t come to know everything but a little at a time…talk about ripping open a healing wound and making it even more deeper then it already was…but, about a year later, he confessed to me some more details about the time period (like taking her to our home, after I had left him, and sleeping w/ her in our bed…he had told me that he didn’t do this….thankfully we had sold that bed when we moved for his new job). I reacted w/ a right hand hook to his jaw. Ha!

Then about 3-4 months after that, he came upon a video by the Speeds: http://www.paulspeed.com/…and after watching it, decided to tell me about how he has had a porn addiction pretty much since he was a young teen. How he fantasized (even after the affair) about the porn, about our neighbors, even the girl he slept with, and…even one of my best friends!

I had absolutely no clue he was viewing porn and masturbating so much. No clue. Pornography grew into much more–adultery. Which tends to be the result with most men (whether it’s adultery, homosexuality, hookers, etc).

Anyways, a couple months later he joined Prodigals and he is now a year into sobriety. That means no pornography, affairs, etc. We are now 3 yrs from when he had his affair.

Today I can say that while I forgive him for what he has done, I’m not in love with him. I grieve almost daily for the life I don’t have that I deserved…I grieve for the person I lost and who I’ve become…I even grieve for the things he’s missed out on due to being so caught up in his sin, like missing his daughters 1st birthday–something he’ll never get to have a memory of. I grieve for so much.

BUT, I DO believe the Lord will restore my heart and is slowly restoring it…I have been learning so much about myself, about how I am broken. My husband has changed a lot since Prodigals. He’s learned so much about himself, why he was doing what he was doing, what he’s done to me, etc.

It would be so easy for me to walk away from this marriage. SO dang easy. I can’t tell you how often I have thought about it and still do. I love my husband, but am not in love and I grieve for how much he’s pained me…Heck, I’ve thought about suicide so many times b/c I have HATED the anger I feel, how horrible of a mom I can be due to the anger, etc. I’ve screamed in such hate that I swear I’ve seen red from the hate I’ve felt towards him…so much that I’ve felt possessed b/c of just the extreme intensity of the anger I’ve felt.

We are working on this marriage though, as we are working on ourselves…I know love can be restored. We don’t have to feel in love to stay in a marriage. I trust in my God that he will restore the love that was there and make it even more and that this relationship will be even even better one…I’m slowly getting there and that’s why I feel that way.

My husband & I both have talked about one day being able to minister together…For so long, I’ve dealt with my situation by myself b/c this stuff is not openly talked about. Reading that woman’s letter made my heart pang…While I can understand your ex wife’s hurt, I do not agree w/ her. There needs to be more women who have stuck it through and come along side wives that are barely hanging in there…maybe that could of helped your ex wife? However, please do not think I’m discrediting anything your ex went through. I can’t say what I would of done in her shoes. All I’m saying is that there needs to be others coming along side and saying “HEY! I went through this and your pain is ok and it’s normal and you can do this! If you want to make your marriage work, let me help keep you encourage”…so I am saying this in regards to the women who want someone to encourage them that YES, it is ABSOLUTELY possible for your marriage to be restored and made EVEN better! Can I promise that? NO! But you just put your trust in the Lord and take it day by day….YES, I do think separation should occur when sin like that is not being dealt with…but to say divorce when this woman who wrote you is so raw and just wanting to have someone tell her what she should do, I don’t think is a good idea…Especially considering what this woman REALLY wants another woman to say, who has been in similar shoes– “honey, keep hanging in there if that’s what you feel you should do…trust in the Lord and YES, he CAN change your husband”. No, you’re not making her have false hope, but you are encouraging her to trust in the restoration that God CAN and DOES bring.

Anyways, I’m VERY proud of my husband & I for sticking in there…He has dealt with verbal abuse from me for the past 3 years and I’ve dealt with all the pain and “what will never be” that’s he’s caused, for the past 3 yrs. It is ABSOLUTELY by the grace of God that we are still together. We want to be a testimony to Him…we want to be an encouragement for other marriages b/c this is a COMMON problem. If everyone gave up, broken homes would be all we know.

I’m not saying divorce is not an option. But, I am saying that divorce doesn’t have to be the answer.

Donny, I would love to be of any help if a woman reads this and is still hanging in there with her marriage and just needs that encouragement. I’ve been there and am still there.

I’m very thankful that I have stayed. I’ve been on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand, tears streaming down while I can barely breath, wanting to end the pain and my suffering–just wanting to stop seeing my husband, to have to stop choosing DAILY to keep living my life with him, but I can say that the Lord was beside me with his hand on me, comforting me, and pulling me closer to him…

Good for you, Donny, for getting sober. Praise the lord. Just as I said what my husband & I hope for our marriage to be, this is what your blog is–a testimony and encouragement to others who are battling what you have.