Donny's Ramblings

Last week I had the privilege to sit down with Ted Haggard, who was in town to attend a Pastor’s conference at a local church. In the coming days I’d like to share with you several things I discussed with him.

One of Ted Haggard's "Tweets" from Last Wednesday (screencap from my iPhone's 'Tweetie' app)

Going into our conversations, I had my B.S. detector turned way up. If Ted tried to sugarcoat any of his actions, if he tried to downplay anything, if he was disingenuous at all, I’d be the first to scream it from the rooftops. But I can tell you this, dear Constant Reader, the Ted Haggard I met with was a very warm man, humbled by his own sin nature and holding nothing back. I saw a man who loves Jesus, a man who was at times sad, at other times upset, and above all, didn’t make excuses for his actions. To be honest, I saw a man who I identify with.

So often we put religious leaders on a pedestal, and if they fall we are hurt on a deeper level than we’d be if most others in our lives were to fall. Some of us are angry and resist extending forgiveness. Some of us scream of hypocrisy. Still others celebrate the comeback of fallen leaders like we would that of our favorite NFL team, down in the 4th quarter, but who miraculously pulls off a last second victory to win a conference championship for a place in the Superbowl.

And why is it that the comeback of a religious leader is so celebrated by some, you might ask? Perhaps it’s because we see someone who isn’t the closest thing to God in the flesh, as we’d formerly esteemed him or her, and who is, after all, one of us. Perhaps it’s something else entirely. Whatever it is, I’ll admit that I am one of those who has been heartened by watching Ted Haggard’s recovery with the support of his amazing wife and biological family, especially so after speaking with him in person, asking some tough questions and receiving real, honest answers.

Our first meeting took place last Monday morning.  I turned on my Sony digital audio recorder and we spoke for nearly three hours. Early Tuesday I received a Facebook message from Ted asking if I would call him on his cell and discuss meeting yet again for a follow up interview, as there were some things on his heart that he really wanted to make sure I shared with those who read the article I write about him. This second meeting lasted nearly two hours, and like the first, I took my pastor along to contribute to the conversation. In fact, I’m sure you’ll be able to read some of Dr. G’s thoughts on his blog at some point.

I’m requesting that you come back and read about these conversations, and invite a friend to do the same. Invite your entire email address book, all of your twitter followers, your Facebook friends, every person still on your MySpace friends list, and your entire church congregation.  I’ll have the first article up no later than this coming Monday afternoon – hopefully sooner – and intend to follow it with others. Regardless of your thoughts on Ted Haggard’s crisis, I know you’ll find something of interest.  I look forward to sharing this experience with you.

See you then!

On July 13th I purchased my iPhone. Because I’d recently had a house foreclosed upon and autos and other “sparkley things” repossessed, activating it was a frustrating experience. AT&T wanted a $1,000 deposit, which I felt was a bit excessive, especially after spending $600 bucks on the phone itself. One thing I’ve learned is that there are few things in life which are completely set in stone, so after speaking to several different employees and a manager or two on the telephone, the deposit was reduced to $500. That deposit is returned 6 months later if all payments have been made on time. “Six months later”, dear constant reader, is January 13th, 2008… just a handful of days from today.

Earlier this afternoon I was in Red Bluff, California at Walmart looking for a large candy cane for Caden’s stocking… you know, those really big ones that are two or three inches thick and a foot long? My search for the candy cane was unsuccessful, but I did find a few presents he’d asked Santa to bring his cat.

Next on my agenda was a present for my brother: getting his AT&T prepaid cell number transferred to my account as a second line so that he no longer has to worry about refilling his minutes. I don’t use all my own minutes now that I’m using the same network as the people I call the most. I’m building up quite the collection of “rollover minutes” and I have no doubts that Daniel can help me take care of those. I figured a quick call to customer service would take care of it, but I quickly learned that I’d have to go to an AT&T store. Despite the fact that his prepaid phone is through AT&T, a new simm card is needed. My favorite AT&T store was 45 minutes away, so off I headed.

My preconceived notion was that this whole process was going to be a hassle, and I allowed my attitude to sour as I headed to the door. Cort, the lucky employee who greeted me as I walked in, was friendly enough. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. Cort handed me a list of family plans, I selected one, and he started typing away into the computer. Just a few minutes later and something on the screen made him pick up the phone to call customer service.

AT&T wanted another $500 deposit for that second line. I was (ahem) a very happy man at this point.

Those who know me best can verify I have a sharp tongue from time to time. As a teenager, I remember telling my parents in cutting language just how much smarter I was than them. When I really want to make myself feel good, words are chosen to demonstrate my intellectual superiority to the person on the receiving end of my verbal barrage. I am working on this part of me. Today I lost that battle.

As Cort hung up the phone I put on my best condescending attitude and let him know that it would be nice if SOMEONE around here was able to do a little critical thinking, notice that I already had a $500 deposit on file that would soon be returned, and ask the customer service rep (or supervisor) on the other end of the phone if they’d simply apply that deposit toward the new line instead of crediting it to my account as scheduled on January 13th. A few more sharp words with a dose of “extra attitude” escaped my lips, and Cort was back on the phone, this time handing it to me so that I could speak with the representative myself.

As I left the store I felt less than proud of the hypocrite I’d been, completely forgetting to show the love for others I’d like to believe I possess. There was no way to take back my words, and a simple “I’m sorry” didn’t seem to be enough. Instead I walked to the nearby Target and picked up a $15 gift card. On the back I wrote, “Nobody deserves to be treated like that. I apologize.”

God’s definitely got a lot of work left to do on this creature, dear constant reader.

Oh, guess what? I still didn’t get my way! I must either pony up another $500 or wait until the 13th to apply that existing deposit toward the second line.

(Sorry, Cort)

I’m cross posting this to both this column on Donny’s Ramblings as well as the column I write on the XXXChurch website. I’m thinking this is gonna be a long one.

Wendy, my ex-wife, and I are pretty good friends. We were high school sweethearts. We dated 4 years and were married 6 years. During 3 of those married years I produced porn behind her back: first on a part time basis, later full time.

After our divorce, Wendy and I maintained a unique relationship. Our son deserved parents who got along. Who cooperated with each other. Who loved him despite their differences, and who demonstrated that love, in part, by keeping their personal disagreements out of his life as much as possible. That’s what he received.

Now, as a Christian, everyone talks about the two of us reuniting. “Wouldn’t that be the ultimate display of God’s healing power?” they ask. Or some similar question that means pretty much the same thing.

I can’t say the two of us haven’t discussed it, but I can say that at this point such a reunion doesn’t look very promising. We’re friends. Best friends. But there’s a lot of… baggage between us, you might say. Some very painful experiences. Some very bad memories.

Wendy has accepted my apologies. She’s forgiven me. She’s an amazing woman. Forgiveness and re-committing one’s entire life to the person who caused so much hurt… well, those are two completely different animals.

Sometimes she has an issue with this blog and with my speaking engagements. Oftentimes she has “issues” with me over a variety of other topics. There’s a lot to work through.

When she recently asked me why I don’t focus more on what porn cost us while blogging or speaking I asked her if she’s actually read everything I’ve written or listened to all that has been spoken. Admittedly, she doesn’t read a good portion of what I write. It’s easy to understand why. A lot of the topics written about here are still a raw wound in Wendy’s life. She definitely didn’t deserve what I put her through.

Tonight I’m writing a bit more about the personal costs. I’m going to rip myself open for this one.

Straight, blunt talk.

To start, I’ll have to share more of the details of my past. Only by doing so can I paint the picture of what my lifestyle choices have cost.

–

Like most males, I had a personal interest in porn. I preferred to look at solo models. Hardcore sex content didn’t really interest me. The visuals that “got me going” didn’t involve other men molesting the fantasy women I viewed.

My first adult magazine was one left in a park where a friend and I played. I was in grade school. The images intrigued me. The corny words beneath them are still in my mind to this day. I can literally tell you what was written beneath my favorite images.

I also remember buying magazines from a liquor store near my home when I was in the 10th grade. The clerk had to have known I wasn’t 18, but he sold them to me anyway.

Still, my interest in porn was an off-again, on-again thing. It hadn’t consumed me.

Yet.

What really got me was when I was showed photos of a woman I knew. The photographer, her husband, had no evil intentions. He was just proud of his wife. What happened in my mind is almost indescribable. Not only was it a turn on to see someone I knew so exposed, I started thinking that I could have one helluva good time picking up the camera and pointing it at willing models of my own. I’d never considered photographing a nude female before that time, but afterwards it is something I wanted to do very much.

I found a private party willing to part with cash for photos. I also did a bit of research and found companies willing to buy.

At first, I photographed a few girls I knew. It wasn’t hard. I can’t describe it, but there’s something intriguing to many woman about being photographed nude. With less money than you might imagine, it was easy to change “Yeah it might be fun to pose naked but I’d never actually do it” into “Yeah, I’ll do that… I’ve always wanted to pose nude.”

I’m a smooth talker when I want to be. That definitely helped.

In my own home, I once photographed a girl who had been a High School classmate. Wendy was at work. To show off, I emailed some of the photos to an acquaintance I’d met on an instant messaging program. He sent a few of the photos back to Wendy. That almost ended in divorce. She didn’t believe me when I told her I wasn’t sleeping with the girl. She didn’t believe I’d done it for money (and even if she had believed the money part, her feelings on the matter wouldn’t have been much different).

We got over it as best we could. She assumed I wouldn’t do such a thing again.

I didn’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t want to give up the thrill of making money by photographing naked women. I decided I’d just have to work harder at hiding my “work”. And honestly, at that point the money wasn’t the major motivator. I was addicted to the rush of having models expose themselves to me. I was addicted to producing pornography.

Later the thrill would subside and I’d be motivated to “go big” by the desire for money and the desire to throw my actions into the faces of the religious hypocrites I’d been around each church service, all of my life.

I was caught again when I forgot to erase photos off the card of our digital camera. Earlier that day I’d done a “test shoot” of a model so that I could email her photos to a client for approval. When Wendy saw them I convinced her they were pics my friend John had found online, and that I’d had him transfer them to my compact flash card so I could look at them later. A few rocky days later and we’d moved on.

I kept shooting models behind her back.

A day came when I slept with one of them after a shoot. I hated myself for it. I decided to hide my actions from Wendy but promised myself that if I ever did such a thing again I was going to come clean.

While Wendy was pregnant I continued shooting models. With a baby on the way, you’d think that if there was any decency left inside of me I’d stop what I was doing. I didn’t. I congratulated myself that I hadn’t slept with other models. I congratulated myself for “keeping it professional”.

When Caden was a newborn I started my first porn sites.

While on a business trip to Los Angeles I was called by a model who’d worked for me a few weeks prior. She was also in Los Angeles and wanted a ride home. We spent the night together in a hotel along the way.

A few weeks later I kept the promise I’d made to myself: I told Wendy the truth about my “work” while on another business trip to Phoenix.

That was it. I never again spent the night in the home we’d made together.

—

In my case, what did my “porn life” cost?

My self respect? Surely.

A great wife? Absolutely.

What else did it cost? I’ll share some of what I know, but there are many “costs” that I do not even comprehend myself.

It cost my son, the most important person in the world to me, the chance at having his mom and dad at home when he arrives from school. It cost him the chance to witness what relationships are supposed to be like. To witness how a man should love his wife. To witness how two people who love each other should learn to bend and give and compromise. I don’t have the chance to help Caden with his homework as I’d like to do, because I’m not usually there when he comes home from school. My decisions took that opportunity away.

It cost Wendy intense personal anguish. One day she had a husband she loved, the next she was living in the house we shared with only her infant son to keep her company. I can’t imagine how crushing that must have been. I can’t imagine the gut wrenching anguish and tears she must have experienced.

Just a few months later, when I’d started dating Belinda and was “living it up” as a man who was all of a sudden able to freely, openly produce pornography, I can’t imagine how horrible it must have been for an innocent mother to watch me drive away with our baby boy in the car and another woman in the passenger seat.

She once told me she was unable to watch a romance movie for 2 years after our separation.

The only way I can cope with this stuff, by the way, is to realize that the wretched man who did all of these things has been forgiven and given the chance to start with a clean slate. THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE. And thank Wendy for hers, as well.

Wendy wasn’t the only one affected. Her entire family grieved with her. Her entire family was thrown for a loop, wondering how something like this could happen to someone who definitely didn’t deserve it.

Wendy’s little brother, with whom I’d been very close since he was an infant, all of a sudden lost a loving “Uncle” figure.

Amongst my friends and family, many lives were thrown into turmoil by my actions. The fallout affected others more than you might imagine… more than I might imagine… more than I’ll ever fully comprehend.

—

If I were to stick my finger in a light socket, the resulting shock would not be a punishment. That shock would be a result of my free will to make a bad decision. Cause and Effect.

If you were passing by me when I had my finger in that socket, and I grabbed you, the shock you’d receive wouldn’t be punishment either. You’d be affected by MY free will… by MY bad decision. You, as an innocent bystander, would experience pain because of the actions of another. Again, Cause and Effect.

And so it goes in lives all over the world. Innocent children are killed because of the free will actions of their parents or some complete stranger. Innocent husbands are torn apart because of the free will of their wives, who have affairs. Innocent wives are hurt because of the free will actions of their husbands, who can’t control the impulse to consume pornography.

I realize there are some who make the claim that pornography can enrich the sex lives of couples who consume it. I am not going to debate that particular issue at this time. But what I will say is that there are many wives who are NOT OKAY with their husbands consuming pornography. It doesn’t matter if the husband thinks there is no harm in it: if his wife has a problem with it, he shouldn’t do it, pure and simple (I’m not going to get into the moral reasons to stay away from porn at the moment, either).

When we were married, Wendy used to be “hurt” by several things. I used to think some of the things that hurt her feelings were ridiculous. I’d get upset that I had to walk on eggshells and watch what I said out of fear that she might be hurt.

As I age and experience life, I have begun realizing that she had a right to be herself. She shouldn’t have been expected to change for me. I either needed to make myself compatible with her, or choose not to be with her, or she could choose not to be with me.

Regardless of a person’s moral beliefs, this same concept applies when we start talking about whether or not pornography hurts marriages. The fact of the matter is that many women are indeed hurt (yes, even outside the spiritual arena) when they find out their husbands consume pornography. You, my constant reader, may personally believe it’s ridiculous to feel that way, but the fact is, it DOES hurt, for whatever the reason may be. In such a case, a husband needs to stop watching porn. He needs to respect his wife’s feelings. He made a commitment to her, after all, for better or worse.

He needs to stop hurting the innocent with his free will decisions.

My personal attraction to porn led down a path that ended up costing everything that should have been valuable to me. I was too daft, too bitter, too selfish to see what really mattered in life. The same can be said for those who allow pornography to control them, or who have chosen to produce it without regard for the lives of those involved, or those who have chosen to act in it, or…

Thank God that Jesus Christ can and will set those free who want to be set free. I am glad I accepted that freedom. I may never recover all that was lost, but I have already recovered so much.

If you’re struggling, reach out for help. It’s there for the taking.

I have a secret to tell you. But I don’t want you to tell anyone else, okay? Let’s just keep this between me and you.

I feel like a “typical Christian” in many ways lately. Wanna know why? I’ve been playing the hiding game. I promised myself I’d never do that, yet I’ve been doing it anyway.

What am I talking about? The feeling that I need to hide my “sins” so that others don’t think poorly of me. The thought that being open about them will result in negative effects on my life. Like less churches asking me to speak for them, for example. Or not being allowed to complete seminary. Or losing a book deal. Or… whatever.

The thing is, some of my “sins” are repetitive. Because of that, I feel that I should be past them by now. I should have “grown up” spiritually. After all, it’s been almost a year, right? That must be 20 in Christian years. I should be an “adult”.

I remember as a child growing up in church I’d hear the beloved Saints ripping other Saints to shreds for their sins. It made me angry inside. Usually angry at those who were being ripped to shreds, to be honest. “How could they be such sinners?” I’d think. I was young and impressionable and it seemed to me that if the people who were doing the talking felt that those being talked about needed to change then, by God, they needed to change!

As I became a teenager I looked at the situation in a different light, and the feelings of anger I harbored were now directed towards the “talkers”. Two words described my opinion of those who were ripping down their fellow Christians: hypocritical gossips.

But their words were painful.

And it’s because of experiences like that, which I know all of you can relate to, that I’m often afraid to reach out for help when I fail now. I look back through this blog and am proud that I used to rip myself open and talk about whatever my issues happened to be. But I’ve noticed a trend toward secrecy. I have more to lose now.

I didn’t tell any of my accountability partners that I was drinking a lot.

I didn’t tell any of my accountability partners that I was still raising hell on the same adult internet message boards I used to frequently post on when I was a porn producer.

I should have gone to them, but I didn’t. I was afraid. At what point does it sound like whining to admit that you’re still stuck in the same cycle? At what point do they simply kick your ass and tell you to just “get over it already”?!?

When my issues were finally revealed, they were gracious. And I was amazed at how much the exposure of said issues (“issues” being more PC than the word “sins”) brought relief. And help. With accountability partners on my side, it’s been easy to keep away from the alcohol. It’s been easy to stay off the discussion forums.

Perhaps there’s something to that Biblical idea of “confessing our sins to each other” after all.

I fancy myself as being able to let go on this blog. To make myself totally vulnerable. To hold nothing back.

In reality, that’s not the case at all. Sometimes I feel like ranting, as I did near the beginning of this journey, but I’ll stop myself from doing so.

Why do I do so? Why do I keep negatives bottled inside?

Fear. Fear of losing everything positive that’s been happening in my life. Fear that others won’t want to read what I write or listen to me speak if I let out every aspect of Donny…

If I loose myself on the world, so to speak.

What do I mean?

I want to write about everything going on inside of me. It’s a huge release to let it out on “paper”, and I want to remember all of this journey. Every step. I want to talk about feelings where I question my own sanity. I want to talk about the times I’m sexually tempted, but how I combat those temptations by reminding myself of all that has changed about me, all that I’ve given up, and how disappointing it would be to make those changes mean absolutely nothing at all by giving in to temptation.

I want to admit to being set off every time I receive another check in the mail with Belinda’s name on it. Or another letter from the bank financing her car.

How hard can it be to call these people and change your address? How hard can it be to tell the bank financing your car that you no longer work for me, so they’ll stop calling if you’re a few days late with your payment? How hard can it be to give them your new number so they’ll stop calling mine? And what in the world makes you think it’s okay to have my replacement relay messages to me? If you want to let me know where to send your mail have the respect to tell me yourself.

I want to admit that it hurts when I find out Belinda’s new boyfriend has changed his MySpace title into a very personal message to me (click here to see a screenshot of it), and the pain is multiplied once I see Belinda posting on a public message board that the message comes from both of them.

But I hold that back and don’t write about it.

I want to admit that such things make me wish to steal from her every good memory we’ve ever had together. I wish I could remove all of those from her mind. She doesn’t deserve to remember the NUMEROUS great, amazing times we had together. She doesn’t deserve to remember my son, who loved her so much.

Sometimes I’m spiteful and will send a text message or email that reflects my mood. The purpose? To steal memories. To replace any positive thoughts she has in her mind about me with negative thoughts. To purposefully poison the past so that it no longer brings a smile to her face. To be in control of how she thinks of me. It’s SO WRONG to be that way, yet I still do it once in awhile.

But I hold that back and don’t write about it.

And then I stand up on a stage in front of hundreds of people and talk about how God has saved me and changed my life. Hypocrisy, no? And I do hate hypocrisy.

This inner struggle, this turmoil, this cycle… I don’t beat myself up about it. I find it beautiful for some reason. I love it, yet hate it, all at the same time.

I haven’t given in to physical temptations, and for that I often congratulate myself. But isn’t it just as bad, or worse, to give in to spite by sending negative messages to Belinda from time to time?

Besides, those physical temptations really aren’t that big a challenge for me. My past has given me plenty of tools to combat them. They’re a relatively easy battle to win. My biggest problems are my ego and my stubbornness. I lose those battles almost every time.

I’m not the smartest man, but I’m beginning to think there’s no perfect solution to these problems. They’re a constant battle over which victory is going to take much time. Much effort. Much pain.

Is it crazy that I look forward to the fight?

…but we sure act like we do, don’t we?

Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving, Americans spent enough money on that one day alone to provide safe drinking water for the entire world?

I could list off statistic after statistic that shows how greedy we are. We consume more resources than dozens of the world’s countries combined, and we’re never satisfied. We’re always searching for ways to make more money so that we can consume more of the world’s resources (I made “the world” bold because that’s who said resources belong to).

We deserve all of this, right? After all, our churches teach us we’re Sons and Daughters of the King, right? I’ve been to several church services recently that tell me so. And I’ve also been to a few small groups that give off that same message. At one of those small group meetings I said something about how we should really be feeding the hungry and serving the poor. I read a passage from a book written by Donald Miller that illustrated what I was trying to say. I was met with a few nods and blank looks. Why? Because what I read doesn’t fit with the cool, popular “spirituality” of greed that seems to be sweeping many churches, particularly the one that this small group calls home.

Fact is, churches that preach nothing but prosperity seem to be packed. One such church has so many people in attendence that, unless one arrives early, the only place to sit is on the floor. I stopped attending because it doesn’t seem to me that real life issues are being addressed. Ask for help dealing with a real problem and see what type of response you get (and I’m not even talking about financial help either – just some good Christian advice).

If I wanted to “feel good” all the time I’d listen to Tony Robbins. I’m not saying I don’t want to hear these messages once in awhile, but who hit the “repeat” button on this particular track? That’s all I seem to hear.

Right now I need Jesus. I need his love. I don’t need to face the same temptation, in church, that partially led to my life as a porn producer. I was wrapped up in money and possessions, and hatred towards Christians. Porn production brought money and a way to shock the Christians I hated.

Now I go to church only to find that the greed of the masses is being fed by messages of prosperity. What happened to love? What happened to what Jesus called us to do?

Sure, I’m all about living comfortably. And to be honest, I’m sure I’ll one day care about amassing wealth again (that will be a sad day). Right now I love the thought of sitting next to stinky people at a bus stop, loving them because they, too, are children of the King. Did we forget that part? Every person in the entire world is a child of the King. The middle class, upper midle class, and upper class citizens of the United States of America ARE NOT the only children of the King!

If one of your kids was hungry wouldn’t you be a little pissed off if your over fed kid didn’t share some of his/her food with the one that is starving? You haven’t eaten today? Sorry, I can’t give you this hot dog because I’ve only had 4 myself for lunch so far. You know I always eat 6! Look at me! I’ll waste away if I give up these other 2!

Shouldn’t we be spending billions of dollars a day solving humanitarian problems, rather than blowing up Iraq so that we can insure that our oil supply doesn’t diminish? I realize our Hummers are thirsty. Perhaps we need to starve them a bit.

I’m a patriotic SOB and I love our troops, and in fact served in the military myself, but wouldn’t it really kick ass if our troops were sent to other countries to hug the starving kids and feed them a decent meal? I bet our men would return from the War on Hunger with Post Traumatic Selflessness Disorder, and be pretty happy about it! I bet the rest of the world would stop hating us so much and would lose their desire to blow us to shreds if we’d start flying over their countries dropping food and water supplies instead of bombs.

For the price of the bombs we drop on countries we don’t have any business invading, thousands of people could be fed. Millions, perhaps.

For the daily price of the “War on Terra” (which must be Texan for “Terror”) I bet we’d wipe out a lot of really bad problems.

Mr. President, do you want to know how to defeat “Terra”? Here’s the answer:

Respond to hatred with LOVE. Drop a food bomb on those pesky terrorists.

Maybe Jesus knew what he was talking about after all.

PS: I’m SO preaching to myself here. As I wrote this I kept telling myself that I need to remember all of this. It is going to be SO easy for me to resume thinking about making millions and living comfortably on a Yacht in a tropical land if I don’t constantly remind myself that I exist to learn to love OTHERS, and not just myself. God, please help me remember this. Please give me the courage to give of my time and money. Please give me the courage to change my political registration and to stop thinking “Republican” so much. Ouch, that hurts.

I wrote this blog entry while on an airplane bound for Grand Rapids.

It’s Friday, December 1st at about 1:50pm Pacific Time. I’m sitting on an airplane thirty-something thousand feet in the air. As I type this we’re flying directly over the Great Salt Lake. If the bottom of the plane were to fall out from beneath my feet and I plunged straight down I’d land directly in the salty water below. I was hoping to fly over this lake because I’ve never seen it in person, only in photos on Heather Armstrong’s website as well as her husband Jon’s website. I wanted to see if the lake was really as ugly and dead as it appears to be in those photos. From here it looks like that is the case. I wish it was possible to make a quick pit stop here in Utah and have coffee with Jon and Heather. I’d love to meet them, kiss their little girl Leta on the head, and scratch the ears of Congressman Chuck (the dog). Or maybe just balance a doggie treat on his nose.

“Someone Saved My Life Tonight” is streaming from iTunes through my headphones and into my ears.

Just a few moments ago I was praying and reading a few scriptures from Eugene Peterson’s translation of the New Testament (The Message). I’ve also brought along one of the books of my-new-friend-whom-I’ve-not-yet-met, Donald Miller. Someday I intend to shake that man’s hand and thank him for writing such thought provoking books. Many of the ideas he presents in his books have been going through my own head recently, but Don has a way of putting them into words in such a beautiful way. As Forest Gump would say, “Momma always had a way of explaining things so as I could understand them!” Substitute “Donald Miller” for “Momma” and that sentence would be an accurate way of explaining how I feel about these books of his. I’m most of the way through Searching for God Knows What (I wish I had the money to buy every Christian a copy). The book is so damned good I’ll probably read it again when I’ve finished it, which will most likely be during the next leg of this flight to Grand Rapids.

J.R. Mahon from XXXChurch will be picking me up at the airport. He says it’s snowing. Hard. I’m glad I decided to wear my boots today.

At the moment I should be contemplating the answers to some of the questions J.R. will be asking tomorrow morning at “Porn and Pancakes”. Instead I’m writing a blog entry in Word for Mac and saving it for later publication. Some of the thoughts that have been racing through my head have built up a mental pressure, for which the only relief is to write.

In Searching for God Knows What, Donald Miller wrote something that, if I had an internet connection up here in the friendly skies, I’d set as the quote above my name on my MySpace page. Hold on a second while I find the page it’s on so that I can share it word for word. Okay, I found it. Take a breath and get ready, because this is deep ladies and gentlemen. Here goes:

“In war you shoot the enemy, not the hostage”.

Think about that for a second and then apply it to Christianity. It almost made me cry for some reason, but that’s not really too hard to do lately. I’ve been experiencing so much of Jesus’ love lately that, at times, it’s pretty difficult not to become emotional.

Let me share with you the direction that sentence took my mind. Tell me in the comments section where it took yours. Don used that sentence to sum up the idea that Christians too often focus on attacking the person sinning, rather than the source of that sin. Man may be sinful by nature, but covering him with the true love of Jesus can alter his nature. Instead of attacking and “killing” people, let’s focus on the Enemy and not on the hostage. The only way to kill the influence of evil within another person is to cover the hostage with the love Jesus challenged us to show to all people. That love will smother the one who tries to hold each of us hostage.

It seems to me that Satan has really used the church to do his bidding. Much of the world is so turned off by the war Christians have raged against “hostages” that it refuses to listen to the true message it’s meant to hear. That message is love. That message does not focus on sin. That doesn’t mean sin should be ignored, just that it needs to be placed in proper context.

Since the word “sin” has been used as an arrow with which Christians pierce the flesh of others, let me break it down a little. That word has always seemed scary to me, because I definitely don’t want to SIN. I was always taught sinning will send me to hell, and nobody wants to book that trip on Expedia. Tell me if you agree with this or not:

Sin is simply behavior that separates us from God. It drives a wedge between us. It’s not some big scary monster; it is a behavior. Jesus didn’t dwell on it, because it’s not something we should use to bash each other. It’s just a behavior that needs to be corrected, lovingly. If you’re a parent you know that children develop lots of behaviors for which they need guidance to overcome. With growth and proper guidance, they naturally mature and many of those behaviors become ancient history.

I’m lucky to have a son who has been shown enough love that good behavior (for the most part) comes pretty naturally to him. I have to think his behavior comes from the way he has been parented. My ex-wife is a great mother, and when Caden is with me I try to be the best father I can be. I have never once raised my voice to my son, nor have I used the words “because I said so”. I’ve only spanked him one time in his entire life and regretted doing so. Instead of such “old school” corrections, I get down on my knees so I can communicate with him at his level, I look him in the eyes and I explain in a calm loving voice the reasons why I feel he should behave in certain ways. If we’re in public I’ll pick him up and hug him and whisper what I have to say in his ear so that he’s not embarrassed. Because of this, he obeys out of love and respect, rather than fear of physical pain in the form of a spanking or mental pain in the form of yelling. It is more work to raise him this way, but Wendy and I feel that is our job as Caden’s parents. Not putting in the work would be selfish and lazy.

That same concept applies to humanity in general, don’t you think? Applying the love of our Father to our lives is the only way to correct our screwed-up (sinful) behavior. Threatening someone with “hell-fire” only results in behavior modification motivated primarily by fear. A true change of heart comes from respect and love, which comes from first being shown respect and being loved.

An hour and twenty-five minutes have elapsed since starting this, and Word for Mac shows that I’m now beginning page three. It’s time to stop rambling. Post a comment or send me an email to let me know your thoughts.

As I read through numerous Christian oriented blogs and message boards, I marvel at the differences between those who take a more traditional approach to Christianity, versus those who make Jesus’ love the central focus of their beliefs. There seems to be a major movement toward the latter, and I’m very happy to witness it.

Those who follow the traditional path seem to receive pleasure in constantly reminding others of their sins. That has always annoyed me greatly. Lately I’ve surrounded myself with people who are motivated towards pursuit of a more “Christ-like” version of Christianity, and that seems to help diminish my burning dislike towards traditionalists. I hope to someday extinguish the urge to slap the judgmental upside the head, and instead embrace them in understanding, but for now I am still in head-slapping mode.

Psychology became a major interest to me while in college, and that interest continues to this day. I constantly find myself wondering what it is that motivates people to behave as they do, regardless of whether said behavior is positive or negative. What makes them tick? This morning I read a few blogs that vaguely remind me of the Westboro Baptist group (the “God Hates Fags” people). When blogs lean toward this approach, hate slogans seem to find their way into the comments section upon occasion. Why those who wish to represent Jesus would ever choose to use such terms is beyond me, but I do have a theory I’d like to propose:

I think it has to do with self(ish) motivation, as opposed to self(less) motivation. I’d be willing to stipulate most of those who are being selfish may not realize they’re doing so. Before clarifying what I mean, let me give some background information on what leads me to this conclusion.

When I was in high school my athletic abilities were not that great. I participated in sports, but in football, for instance, I was much more likely to be found playing the position of guard (the water bottle) than actually being a guard on the field. Academics were a different story. I excelled and received high marks in honors courses with hardly any study required. When nobody else was able to answer a question, the teacher often called on Donny. I had to try hard to keep the huge smile off my face when I was able to answer questions that stumped the rest of the class. That was my sense of “power”. I loved pointing out that those who had excelled in sports from previous high school years had graduated and could often be found working a cash register at Burger King, but “academics” from previous years were pursuing college and graduating with professional jobs.

In all aspects of life, I find people who put others down to make themselves look better. One reason for doing this is because a certain feeling of power comes with making oneself appear more “important” than someone else. This is true of Bible Thumpers as well, and from my very unscientific observations it appears to happen more to those who have no “power” in other aspects of their life. Thumping others upside the head with scripture provides a feeling of empowerment. God’s will is often cited, but I really don’t think the motivation has a thing to do with what God wants. It has to do with the selfish desire to feel power. And what better source of “power” than God himself? It’s hard to argue against “God said you must do such and such and this is the scripture that proves it!!”

I feel called to love others despite their sins. I have little chance of living up to that calling, but I look forward to making the attempt. To truly do what God asks of me I have to assassinate my desire for power, and must instead focus on becoming humble. One blog I read said something along this line:

Jesus could have done anything he wished, yet he decided to serve.

God, help me find the strength to do the same.

I’ve ranted about a lot of things I dislike about Christians. So much so, even family members have begun writing to me. One of the emails I received was from a woman who never stopped praying for me the entire time I produced porn. In part of her email she said:

Maybe I could also encourage you to try not to be too judgmental of judgmental people, if that makes sense. Everyone is at different spots in their journey and I’ve learned that God gives us gobs of grace! Seems like the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. There’s a verse in Psalms that says that God is gracious and slow to anger, full of compassion and of great mercy. Anyway, He is thrilled to have you home where you belong and your story has already touched so many people! Don’t forget to take care of yourself and get help when you need it!

I really should have been picking my words a little more carefully and not lumping so many people into one group. I know I’ll never stop raising issues that annoy me, but I have no problem proof reading my blog entries a little more, searching for ways to tone down my tendency to stereotype Christians. It’s funny how appropriate the title has become for this blog. Donny’s Ramblings, in which I rambling endlessly about random topics. I will admit, I have been meeting so many like minded Christians since September 25th. From the emails I’m receiving, it appears many churches are moving in the right direction, concentrating on becoming more like Christ and less like Pharisees. I’m encouraged and am confident that movement will continue. It is very exciting to see this happing!

In regards to being judgmental about judgmental people: POINT TAKEN! And I thank you for pointing it out.

Last night I traveled to Yuba City to attend a service where Craig Gross from XXXChurch was speaking on pornography. While there I spoke with a Pastor from a church in Sacramento. Amongst many other things, we discussed Ted Haggard. That discussion is what prompted this blog entry.

Why is it that when a Christian messes up we respond with the love of Christ, yet when sinners mess up we talk about the quick trip to hell they’ll be receiving? Jesus always did the opposite – he held Christians to a higher standard and provided grace to sinners. Wouldn’t it be great if we began to show God’s grace to all sinners, regardless of what they’ve done? Wouldn’t it be great if we could all remember the word “Christian” is supposed to mean “like Christ”, and that to uphold our position as Christians we actually need to love people, rather than judging them so harshly?

Even if it was just “a massage” as Ted claims, you can bet it resulted in a “happy ending”. Does he think he’s kidding anyone by trying to downplay his gay tendencies? While there will be inevitable consequences for his actions, I have to say that I am not overly bothered by his “sin”. I have no problem instantly forgiving that sin. My heart goes out to him and his family. The part of his story that annoys me most is the simple fact that he had the balls to so vocally oppose gay marriage while partaking in gay activities. That level of hypocrisy harms the world’s perception of every Christian.

The response I’ve heard from most church leaders has been one of love for Ted. What a great day it would be if those same people responded with kindness for Democrats who face some moral failure. How nice would it have been if President Clinton had received the same loving understanding from the Christian community that Ted Haggard has received?

If we, as Christians, begin responding to our friends, neighbors and sinful politicians with the same love so many are showing Ted Haggard right now the world will truly be changed, don’t you think?