Donny's Ramblings

A view from the Sacramento River Trail: my favorite place to converse with my Creator.

Last night I wept, snot running down my face and dripping off my chin, for a period of about 4 hours. It wasn’t fun and I really didn’t like it. At least not then – not while it was happening. This morning I see it in a different light, because it’s times like that, when my soul cries out to God and to others, when I feel a toothbrush at work inside.

Some of those close to me sometimes question whether I’m fully letting Jesus inside to clean things out.  I know that I am. It’s just that I don’t think He wants to magically make everything perfect. I think He purposely works on issues slowly so that I understand them better. He isn’t just taking a fire hose and spraying the place out… He’s taking a toothbrush and slowly deep cleaning. I sometimes feel like others need to see fire hose evidence in order to believe a work is in progress, but I am more than overjoyed with the toothbrush. Perhaps you, dear Constant Reader, aren’t the type that needs to understand things about yourself like I do, but I want to know… I want to understand… I want to get it. I feel that is going to be a big part of any future ministry God may have for me: identifying with others who have gone through the same things I’ve gone through and maybe being able to be used to help others “get it”.  For that to happen I need to reach that place myself.  Slowly.

My cockiness is melting away.  I am realizing I really don’t know much.  I’m not nearly as smart as I thought.  I’m enrolled in Seminary and want to be used by God, but I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever have anything to say to anybody.  Perhaps that’s all for the best? Perhaps that’s the only way to be if God’s words are to be spoken and not my own?  I feel inadequate.

In the two weeks of 2006 between September 11th, when I knew I would no longer be in “the business”, and September 25th when I finally asked Jesus to take over, I wanted instant answers and solutions to all the anger and bitterness and questions I had about Him, Christianity, and people. I tried to strike a deal with God that if he brought those answers I’d give him my life. He didn’t respond at all. He was silent. On September 25th I finally understood that it wasn’t that He wasn’t willing to answer my questions, He just wasn’t going to do so all at once. He has been very faithful with slow answers. Some of them even in dreams. Most of them through something I read and then ponder, or something someone says to me that I ponder while prayerful, or through ideas that form when speaking with Him along the Sacramento River Trail, my favorite place to converse with Him.

This slow rate is purposeful, and I am loving the journey.  I am content in the knowledge that change will continue.  I am not asking for speedy results, because I am realizing the value of “one step at a time” results that really have a chance to sink in.  Does this make any sense?  It is lovely what’s happening.   But I do wish those closest to me would reach the place where they, too, realized that all these things they think I need to let God heal – the bitterness… the anger… the constant questioning – I AM letting Him in to heal.  Again, it is purposely slow.  And maybe some of you might even be who He uses to point out what’s next, but I need those who are close to please be patient, because this is a one-thing-at-a-time situation.  Lots of time went into the damage, and lots of time is going to be required to toothbrush it away.

We all get so easily distracted by petty things and ask the wrong questions. That’s what hit me as I read this:

Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”

Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong questions. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines. When night falls, the workday is over.”

Of course, we all know the outcome of that story: Jesus healed the blind man’s eyes so he could see.

I still have goosebumps, literally, from his words. “You’re asking me the wrong questions. You’re looking for someone to blame.” That is just SO like us. Like ME. Asking the wrong questions, and looking for someone to blame instead of searching, while the sun shines, for the work that I COULD and SHOULD be doing.

Today I’m going to try my hardest not to look for someone to blame. I’m going to keep my eyes open and try to see the work that needs done. God help me see it.

(more and more, I’m becoming a Jesus Freak)

At least 5 days a week I walk the Sacramento River Trail. If you’ve been reading very long you know this. These walks are my time with God. I learn a lot on The Trail.

Where the trail crosses behind the Elk’s Lodge there’s a beautiful place to sit and look out at the river. I’m sitting there now, writing this blog post from my iPhone using the Wordpress Application I recently mentioned in another post.

I also mentioned a Bible Application provided by LifeChurch.tv for iPhone users. Since it was released I’ve incorporated it into my morning walking routine. I sit right here on this bench, stare out at the river, read a few passages, think about them a bit while watching the boats pass by and repeat that process until I’ve read through at least one chapter, often more. The computer nerd in me really loves being able to read multiple versions of the Bible on my iPhone.

This morning I’ve read through 3 chapters of John and found an answer to one of my never ending questions. I’ve read this chapter many times before, but I guess the time is just right today because it finally sank in.

In my blog post to “Carrie the Atheist” awhile back, you might recall that I voiced several of my concerns and questions with the Bible. One of those questions has to do with the ability of the writers of scripture to recall what Jesus said to them. Few of us can remember word for word the conversations we had just hours ago, yet the writers of the Bible are trusted to recall conversations with Jesus from decades before they were written down?

Here’s what I found this morning:

In John chapter 14 verse 26 Jesus is quoted as telling his disciples that when he is gone, the Comforter that he will send will, amongst other things, “bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”

The Donny in me would bring up objections on how using this verse to prove its accuracy is pure circular reasoning. But the Comforter and I converse quite a bit on this trail, and on this day I believe this answer was meant for me to find. I choose to accept it.

What you look for you will find.

Next on my list? Those men who met in the fourth century to decide which books to include in our Bibles and which to toss aside… I’d like to believe they made the right decision. Dear God, please shed some light on this for me.

The author of Letters from a Skeptic (a book I HIGHLY recommend), Greg Boyd is a former atheist who surrendered his life to Christ in 1974. He graduated with honors from Yale Divinity School and Princeton Theological Seminary. Greg was a professor of theology for 16 years at Bethel University and is the founder and senior pastor of Woodland Hills Church, an evangelical megachurch in St. Paul, MN.

I just finished reading his latest blog entry, where he contemplates the issue of a violent God in the Old Testament vs the loving God shown in Jesus in the New Testament. Great reading!

Click Here To Read It For Yourself

This morning I slept in until 8:11. At that precise time, Citi Financial Auto decided to call to let me know that my car payment is a little late. I was very happy to hear that.

Since I was now so rudely awakened, I plopped myself down in my favorite chair… favorite because it happens to sit directly in front of my beloved iMac. This morning my iMac was to play an instrumental part in messing up my entire demeanor. The calm, smiling Donny who was looking forward to getting out of the house and taking the hour drive to call on a client was soon to be transformed into a blubbering, snotty mess.

It all started when I noticed Julie the Artist and MT of X3 had both posted the following video on MySpace:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnB04aJDcNk

What a beautiful song for that video clip, don’t you think? But just a few moments into it and my eyes suddenly sprung a leak. I started sniffing a bit.

I shared the video with Wendy, my ex-wife. I can only assume Wendy decided to check out related videos, because a few moments later she found it in her heart to add to my snot levels by emailing me this, which had really moved her as a mother:

So now, my dear constant reader friends, I am a blubbering mess of tears and snot… and I can blame it all on the three women I mentioned.

Thanks a lot, girls.

(PS: Amazing love… Absolutely amazing…)

One thing that has always angered me about Christians is that they refuse to meet certain challenges head-on. I was recently sent a video that attacks the basis for Christianity and questions whether or not Jesus really existed. I used to send similar videos to Christians during my Christian-Hating Years. Nobody would take the time to respond. They were always quick to dismiss.

The problem with that type of attitude, in my opinion, is that we and our children are going to continue to be asked questions such as those that are raised by this video:

Click here to watch “Zeitgeist The Movie”
(runtime: 26 minutes, 20 seconds)

The video is 26 minutes long. It is clearly anti-Christianity, and it raises lots of questions. The funny thing is that I bet pastors across the country, when and if they’re asked about this, will likely ignore it or dismiss it with questions on faith and whether or not Christians should watch such content. Are we so fragile that we can’t view what those who don’t believe have begun arming themselves with?

To be honest, if someone approached me for an opinion on this video (which someone actually recently did) I don’t have answers for them. I’ve been searching for answers on my own, and believe each of us need to do our own research, but I also think our spiritual leaders need to educate us on how to deal with things like this. And I’m not talking about “blow off” answers. We need real meat here. People aren’t as ignorant as they once were, my friends.

I’ve promised the person who sent me the link that I’d respond, unlike the Christians to whom I used to raise similar questions. Watch the video (click here) and tell me what you think, and how you’d respond.

Please do me a favor – watch this video. It’s only 10 minutes, 24 seconds long:

001 Rain | Rob Bell : Nooma.com (click here to watch)

You may have to wait a few minutes for it to load, depending on your internet connection speed.

Tell me what you think of it. Personally, I love the Nooma videos (and both of Rob Bell’s books: Sex God and Velvet Elvis). At the time of this writing I’ve purchased 8 of the 15 Nooma videos that have been produced to date. My favorite is Breathe.

I started writing this on April 3rd, 11 days ago. I wrote most of it, saved it as a draft, and haven’t returned to finish it. Today I intend to do so.

Before becoming a Christian, I’d never seriously considered ending my life.

Ever.

Ever ever ever.

So after surrendering my life to God… after He begins doing amazing, powerful, profound things for me… after having real encounters with the Creator of the Universe… why is it that after all of that I arrived at a place where I seriously wished to die?

This happened just a few days short of a month ago. John says I played it down when I very briefly mentioned it in my “Dear Daphne” letter. He says I did so because I’m afraid that if I tell the truth people won’t like me as much. People might stop reading my blog. People might think I’m not really a Christian. People might think I’m crazy and, as such, might not want to listen to me speak.

John is very blunt. I love him. He’s my best friend and he knows me pretty damned well. He calls it like he sees it and trusts me enough to know I won’t be offended when he does so. He knows I respect that about him.

And really, what is there to be afraid of? I discuss everything here, and because of that I’ve received dozens of emails thanking me for being transparent. Telling me that this blog speaks into the lives of many.

I feel that’s what I’m supposed to do here. I feel that very strongly.

So now I’m going to tell you about the emotional roller coaster I was riding.

It felt like the world came crashing down on March 16th.

On that day:

- I’d just settled in to a new place to live after the bank took my house. The new place isn’t nearly as comfortable as what I’ve been used to, and having two roommates takes a bit of adjustment, especially when you have to share a bathroom with one of them.

- That afternoon Wendy let me know that there’s no hope for reconciliation on any sort of romantic level, and when I heard her reasons for feeling that way I knew she was serious.

- I had to face a very serious issue from my past that I’ve been trying to forget.

- I was still upset that, the day before, a man from the adult industry… a man I used to consider a good friend… publicly posted the following message to me, where hundreds if not thousands of people could read it:

If you think you are some reborn Christian, you have lost it. Seriously, I anticipate the day I hear/read about you offing yourself, and I will state now that not only does it not surprise me, but it doesn’t sadden me either. You have inner demons that must be cast out, and at the rate you are going, death is the only thing that will help that along.

- Feelings of rejection (Belinda) begun raising up inside, once again (sometimes I still can’t wrap my mind around how someone can move on so quickly after 6 years of being together – deep inside I know it was my fault, but that doesn’t always satisfy my questions).

- My counselor was out of town.

- My dad, too, was out of town: on vacation for the entire month.

I started thinking, “Lloyd’s right. I should do the world a favor and take myself out.”

I don’t want to discuss the full details of that day because, looking back, I am very embarrassed to have felt that way at all. But I will tell you what kept me from parking my running car in a garage at my former residence, where my garage door opener still works, and listening to music until I went to sleep: I ended up making a call for help. That call brought me down to earth enough that I deciding to check myself into a mental hospital instead of doing something really stupid.

The hospital turned me away. It was after normal admissions hours.  I was informed that in order to be admitted I’d need to go to the emergency room of a regular local hospital and ask for a counselor to be sent.

On the way to the ER I became angry and asked myself what the hell I was doing. Why was I being so stupid? It turned out not to be necessary to check in. Simply attempting to admit myself made something change inside of me, so instead of going to the ER, I went directly to the church for Friday night service…

…where God healed my ear. It had been hurting pretty badly for several days. During the service, a man whose name I don’t know started praying for it. Less than 10 seconds into his prayer I started hearing popping noises, the pain went away, and it hasn’t returned.

How can one continue wallowing in self pity after God heals their ear?

God, that was a really good way to refocus my mind back onto you. Thank you for that.

The next day I read Donald Miller’s To Own a Dragon. I was very embarrassed about how I’d felt the day before. How could I have allowed such thoughts to enter my brain?

I was feeling normal again.

For a few days.

The beautiful conversations I’d been having with Wendy were over. There’s nothing more intimate than connecting with words and being on the same page. But that intimacy had to stop.

Once again, I started feeling like I had nobody who truly cared. I bought into that lie. I didn’t sink again to a level where I wanted to die, but I sure was feeling sorry for myself. Today I can’t even remember why.

Because of all of this I realized I was giving myself way too much free time to ponder things that don’t need to be pondered. I immersed myself in work, which is why this blog hasn’t been updated as regularly as I’d like. Dealer Web Concepts, the business I started to help auto dealers with their internet marketing needs, now services 7 auto dealerships in 4 towns. I had to drop one client due to a conflict of interest with another. That turned out to be a good thing, however, because I have no idea where I’d find the time to service them.

Is now a good time to take a break and mention that I’ve lost 45 lbs? I haven’t been at this weight for almost 6 years. Not long ago I read a comment made on an internet message board by Belinda’s new boyfriend, alluding to him wanting to be “the bigger man” and I couldn’t help but snicker a little. Because now he literally IS the bigger man. But I digress.

Dear God, you’ve allowed me to work past my hatred of Mark to the point where it no longer exists, now please help me lose the residual bitterness as well.

Besides immersing myself in work, I’ve begun attending more home groups. Surrounding myself with like minded people works wonders. When I was growing up, the churches I attended never had small groups. Are these a relatively new creation or were we just clueless? Home groups are amazing! And the churches I associate with have so many to choose from! I attend a Singles group, a Single Parents group, a Christian Sportsman group and another group that wouldn’t quite fit into any particular category.

Feelings of being “alone” no longer exist.

As a Christian I’m still an infant, but I’m loving every experience, good and bad. I’m so far from perfect it’s not even funny. Thank God for Romans 7 verse 17-25. I’ve used those scriptures to help lead others to surrendering their life to God, but I personally find a lot of strength to stand back up each time I fall down.

Here’s Paul, the man who wrote the majority of the New Testament upon which literally BILLIONS of people have lived their lives, talking about his personal struggles. Not struggles he USED TO HAVE, but struggles he faced as a Christian, all the time. “The Message” translation says it best:

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help!

I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.

I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.

My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up.

I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

As Rob Bell talks about in the first of his Nooma videos, so many people think being a Christian means you have to have your life in perfect order. But Jesus himself said he didn’t come for those who have it all together. He came for the sick.

Thank God for that.

You’re right, Daphne, most of what people will say to you is going to be trite. There’s simply not a whole lot of substance that the majority of the population will be able to offer to you.

I know how you feel. I can offer that much to you. Perhaps I don’t know EXACTLY how you feel, because nobody can know that. I don’t have magic answers for you, either. I just know that it was a very short time ago I wanted to check myself into a mental institution because just minutes earlier I was planning out how to end my life.

And that happened AFTER I became a Christian.

“God, what’s wrong with me? I SHOULD feel on top of the world, but I don’t! You’re doing so much in my life, and I even feel your presence all the time. Why do I still feel this way?”

The answer is that I have no idea what the answer is, Daphne. I simply can’t understand how those feelings still enter my being. I’m sure you feel the same.

Daphne, I’m just an overweight ex-porn-producer who gave his life to God on September 25th. Yesterday made 6 months for me. God has given me so much, yet I still feel like a failure much of the time and feel despair on a regular basis. Then I feel like more of a failure for the mood swings I keep having. My mood changes from being on top of the world to feeling really low. There’s no reason for it, but for some reason it happens anyway.

Why do I mention all of that? I dunno. Probably to just let you know that you are not alone. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it doesn’t.

I can tell you that I’ll pray for you, and while that’s true, I’m sure that offers little comfort. It’s just another trite thing to say. I will pray for you, for sure. But I’ll also ask God if there’s anything he wants me to tell you.

I don’t have an answer to your need for a family, Daphne. I live in Redding, California: 500 miles north of you. And the only people I really know in LA are in the porn business. “I’ll pray for you to find what you need” just seems like worthless words.

What I do know is this: you’re a talented writer. You’re an amazing artist. You’re a beautiful girl. Looking at the photos in your profile, my heart skips a beat. That, my dear, is not some trite sentence. I mean it. I know you feel broken right now, but from the little I can learn about you on MySpace it sure looks to me like you’ve got some really good ingredients sitting in your bowl. You can use what you have to bake a really beautiful cake. You’ve got the makings of something very good.

And, look forward to this: there are hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of other girls out there who feel just like you do. If you can reach inside and find a way to get over what you’re feeling right now… if you can find a way to step on Satan’s head and tell him that he’s not taking you down… then at some point in the future when another person comes to you asking for the help you’re seeking right now: YOU will be able to help, instead of posting trite replies on MySpace.

That, dear Daphne, is PURPOSE. That’s something to hold onto. You matter, and God wants to use you to help other Daphnes that he loves so dearly. I want to tell you something I learned recently, about Jesus. Perhaps Jesus isn’t what you want to hear about right now, but I’m gonna tell you anyway:

In Jesus’ day, children received their education from Rabbis starting around age 6. Between age 10 and 15, the rabbi would start to consider which of the kids he taught was good enough to carry on his yoke (his yoke = his way of teaching the Torah, or scriptures). He’d tell those who were “good enough”: “Come, follow me”. Those who were good enough would then have the honor of following that rabbi around for years, learning how to teach about God in the style of their master. The rest would be sent back home to learn the family business. They weren’t good enough to carry on the Rabbi’s yoke.

When Jesus called his disciples, you’ll notice he went to the losers. They’d been cast aside by other rabbis and sent home to learn the family business. He went to them and said, “Come, follow me.” He was saying “YOU are good enough to carry on MY yoke. You’re good enough to do my work and carry on my traditions. I don’t care if others have cast you aside, I am telling you that you’re good enough to do what I need you to do”.

I hold on to that when I feel like a failure. How can I be a failure when God himself, in the form of a man, has told me I’m good enough to carry on his yoke?

Daphne, you’re good enough to reach other people for Jesus. He wants you to be part of his family, and to help the rest of his kids through you. It doesn’t matter how often you fail. All that matters is that you get up one time more than you fall down. He’ll give you a huge hug and sit you on his lap, wiping away your tears. I know, I know, it sounds trite. But it’s so true.

I hope you find the physical family you’re looking for, but you’ve already got a spiritual family. God himself is your father, brother, and even your lover (yes, God is a lover – read Sex God by Rob Bell if you can – I’d also recommend reading Donald Miller’s Books: Blue Like Jazz, Searching for God Knows What, To Own a Dragon – you’ll SO identify with them, and I’d be happy to send my copies to you). And there are many of us in your spiritual family who can identify with how you feel. We’re here, even if it sometimes doesn’t feel like it.

(I’d like to ask all readers to please keep Daphne in your prayers. She’s having a rough time right now.)

…but we sure act like we do, don’t we?

Did you know that the day after Thanksgiving, Americans spent enough money on that one day alone to provide safe drinking water for the entire world?

I could list off statistic after statistic that shows how greedy we are. We consume more resources than dozens of the world’s countries combined, and we’re never satisfied. We’re always searching for ways to make more money so that we can consume more of the world’s resources (I made “the world” bold because that’s who said resources belong to).

We deserve all of this, right? After all, our churches teach us we’re Sons and Daughters of the King, right? I’ve been to several church services recently that tell me so. And I’ve also been to a few small groups that give off that same message. At one of those small group meetings I said something about how we should really be feeding the hungry and serving the poor. I read a passage from a book written by Donald Miller that illustrated what I was trying to say. I was met with a few nods and blank looks. Why? Because what I read doesn’t fit with the cool, popular “spirituality” of greed that seems to be sweeping many churches, particularly the one that this small group calls home.

Fact is, churches that preach nothing but prosperity seem to be packed. One such church has so many people in attendence that, unless one arrives early, the only place to sit is on the floor. I stopped attending because it doesn’t seem to me that real life issues are being addressed. Ask for help dealing with a real problem and see what type of response you get (and I’m not even talking about financial help either – just some good Christian advice).

If I wanted to “feel good” all the time I’d listen to Tony Robbins. I’m not saying I don’t want to hear these messages once in awhile, but who hit the “repeat” button on this particular track? That’s all I seem to hear.

Right now I need Jesus. I need his love. I don’t need to face the same temptation, in church, that partially led to my life as a porn producer. I was wrapped up in money and possessions, and hatred towards Christians. Porn production brought money and a way to shock the Christians I hated.

Now I go to church only to find that the greed of the masses is being fed by messages of prosperity. What happened to love? What happened to what Jesus called us to do?

Sure, I’m all about living comfortably. And to be honest, I’m sure I’ll one day care about amassing wealth again (that will be a sad day). Right now I love the thought of sitting next to stinky people at a bus stop, loving them because they, too, are children of the King. Did we forget that part? Every person in the entire world is a child of the King. The middle class, upper midle class, and upper class citizens of the United States of America ARE NOT the only children of the King!

If one of your kids was hungry wouldn’t you be a little pissed off if your over fed kid didn’t share some of his/her food with the one that is starving? You haven’t eaten today? Sorry, I can’t give you this hot dog because I’ve only had 4 myself for lunch so far. You know I always eat 6! Look at me! I’ll waste away if I give up these other 2!

Shouldn’t we be spending billions of dollars a day solving humanitarian problems, rather than blowing up Iraq so that we can insure that our oil supply doesn’t diminish? I realize our Hummers are thirsty. Perhaps we need to starve them a bit.

I’m a patriotic SOB and I love our troops, and in fact served in the military myself, but wouldn’t it really kick ass if our troops were sent to other countries to hug the starving kids and feed them a decent meal? I bet our men would return from the War on Hunger with Post Traumatic Selflessness Disorder, and be pretty happy about it! I bet the rest of the world would stop hating us so much and would lose their desire to blow us to shreds if we’d start flying over their countries dropping food and water supplies instead of bombs.

For the price of the bombs we drop on countries we don’t have any business invading, thousands of people could be fed. Millions, perhaps.

For the daily price of the “War on Terra” (which must be Texan for “Terror”) I bet we’d wipe out a lot of really bad problems.

Mr. President, do you want to know how to defeat “Terra”? Here’s the answer:

Respond to hatred with LOVE. Drop a food bomb on those pesky terrorists.

Maybe Jesus knew what he was talking about after all.

PS: I’m SO preaching to myself here. As I wrote this I kept telling myself that I need to remember all of this. It is going to be SO easy for me to resume thinking about making millions and living comfortably on a Yacht in a tropical land if I don’t constantly remind myself that I exist to learn to love OTHERS, and not just myself. God, please help me remember this. Please give me the courage to give of my time and money. Please give me the courage to change my political registration and to stop thinking “Republican” so much. Ouch, that hurts.