Donny's Ramblings

In an internet discussion with a bunch of guys who think porn’s great, I shared a few of my “porn stories”, which you, my constant readers, have all read.  There are always all sorts of reasons/objections these guys use to explain why each story “isn’t my fault” or to find somewhere else to pass the buck of blame.

I decided to look for other stories of reality, so I went to the website of  former porn star Shelley Lubben and found some really sexy facts:

• 66% of porn stars have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
• Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
• 70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females.
• 25 HIV cases among porn performers since 2004 reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare.
• 20 suicides and 28 drug related deaths among performers that we know of since 2000.
• Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
• The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
• More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
• Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.
• There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

She has links to references backing up those stats at the bottom of the page, and a few “happy happy joy joy” stories from porn stars some of you might recognize over on this page. Beautiful stories, no? Check them out:

“I did over 100 xxx hardcore movies where I was slapped, hit, choked and forced to to sex scenes I never agreed to.
As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft.” – Michelle Avanti

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! – Alexa Milano

“People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even though I was there only a short time.” – Jessie Jewels

“I had bodily fluids all over my face that had to stay on my face for ten minutes. The abuse and degradation was rough. I sweated and was in deep pain. On top of the horrifying experience, my whole body ached, and I was irritable the whole day. The director didn’t really care how I feltt; he only wanted to finish the video.” – Genevieve

“They told me if had my AIDS test that I’d be safe. I arrived on the set with my test and did a hardcore scene with two men. Within that week I was very sick with a fever of 104 and blisters all over my mouth, throat and private area. I looked like a monster. The doctor told me I had the non-curable disease Genital Herpes. I wanted to die.” – Roxy aka Shelley Lubben

“The truth is I let my lifestyle get the best of me. I hate life. I’m a mess. A disaster. I’ve attempted suicide many times.”
“No one cares about a dead porn star or stripper.” – Neesa

“Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending.” – Jersey Jaxin

“I found out 2 days later that I had caught gonorrhea in my first scene! As quick as that the glamour of being a porn star was gone. In the five years I was shooting I caught Gonorrhea and Chlamydia many times. Sometimes both at the same time about every 3-5 months.” – Nadia Styles

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- Tamra Toryn

“My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time… I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling.”
“Drugs are huge. They’re using viagra. It’s unnatural. The girls will be on xanax and vicodin.” – Sierra Sinn

“I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, too bad, you did it or no pay.” – Elizabeth Rollings

“I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal. I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks. I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough. I was too scared of the pain. I prayed God would just take me away! I felt helpless. I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning. It was easier and I needed the money.” – Crissy Moran

“I hung out with a lot of people in the Adult industry, everybody from contract girls to gonzo actresses. Everybody has the same problems. Everybody is on drugs. It’s an empty lifestyle trying to fill up a void.”
“I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I overdosed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. – Becca Brat

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – Lara Roxx, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

How well does this match up to the sexually appealing picture trying to be portrayed on screen?  Witnessing these types of things in person is the biggest reason I can honestly say I’m not attracted to porn.

For Brian, whom I’ve known almost 10 years, who produced porn with me from time to time, and who says it’s “not porn’s fault because porn is inanimate”, and who is completely right about that.

Dear Brian,

You’re right… “porn” is inanimate and “porn” isn’t to blame for the broken lives.  People are:  I AM,  you are…  Those who consume it.  Those who market it.  Those who send traffic to those who market it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t rape the girl at a party while she was passed out, assuming it was okay ’cause she’s a “porn star”.  Isn’t it sad she has a child who will never know who his father is?

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t plaster them on her daddy’s car for him to discover when leaving work with his buddies.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t nail images to trees on her high school or college campus, humiliating her.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there the day her daddy told her he didn’t want to speak to her anymore because she’d shamed her family.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office with her the day she was kicked out of the police academy for violating their morality clause.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office the day Hewlett Packard let her go after management found out about it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there on the day she attempted suicide when she didn’t feel she could deal with the repercussions anymore.

I wasn’t in the hospital with the girl who had to have surgery to repair damage she experienced when being pounded by multiple partners in multiple orifices.

That girl curled in a ball in a corner sucking her thumb on a porn set, mind blown from what she had to experience… I don’t know what to say about stuff like that.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos… and the list goes on and on.

We recruit, we produce. We ship it off to be marketed. Some of us market it ourselves. Some of us send traffic to it.  Some of us consume it.

There’s a big circle in the “supply and demand” of porn. There are also human costs to this business. I take responsibility for my part.  I speak publicly about these things. I condemn nobody. We’re all part of it… every one of us in the supply and demand circle of porn.

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to post a quick note to let you all know that former porn star Shelly Lubben has just re-launched her website with new design. It looks fantastic!

I highly recommend checking out her blog and registering for her discussion forum. If you’re unfamiliar with Shelley read more about her by clicking here.

Congratulations Shelley!

I often have a hard time deciding how to start a blog entry. Once I get going, the words seem to come out in a flood, but those first few sentences are tough. I’ll write something, erase it, write something else, erase that too… I sometimes repeat this for 5 minutes.

Such is the case with this blog entry. It’s so important, yet I can’t figure out how to start. I want to talk about a new project being launched by XXXChurch.com and Shelley Lubben. For those of you unfamiliar with Shelly, she is a former porn star who surrendered her life to God several years ago. This new project is being called “The Esther Fund”. It’s one of those put your money where your mouth is type of projects.

It’s easy to be encouraged by a ministry that is helping people fight porn addiction, telling porn stars about Jesus’ love, and encouraging porn producers to consider God’s plan for their life. It’s a bit more difficult to pull out our checkbook to help support such a ministry.

What happens when people leave the porn world for God? Do they all just live happily ever after?

Unfortunately, the answer is a very loud “no”. It’s hard to leave a life where the money is so easy to make. Believe me, I know this very well from personal experience. Through the years I produced porn, I’d often feel God pulling on my heart strings. But I was afraid to lose everything I owned, and terrified I wouldn’t be able to support my ex-wife and son. I told Him there was no way I could ever leave because it would be too difficult to make a living outside of the porn world.

The Pastors of XXXChurch “get it”. They know the first few months, even the first year, after an individual leaves their former life is the most crucial, difficult time that individual is likely to face. That is the time they need God’s people to give them a bit of help re-establishing their life.

When I left, God miraculously took away my desire to shoot even one more image or one more minute of video footage. When I finally surrendered my life to Him, my biggest fear was no longer losing my possessions, because I knew that would happen and had resigned myself to it. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to provide for Wendy (my ex-wife) and Caden (my son). XXXChurch came through. I have no idea where the money came from, but they let the need be known and checks started showing up in my ex-wife’s mailbox. She was deeply touched by the generosity of those who cared enough to help.

The Esther Fund is something XXXChurch wants to use to assist future “Crissy Morans” and “Donovan Phillips” when the old life is left behind. It will greatly help with the transition to a new life. Every individual has unique issues that must be addressed when a major life change is made. It’s way too easy to say “I’ll pray for you and I know God will provide”. It’s often us He wants to use to do so.

I’ve been asking God for permission to travel to other churches, sharing my story in the hopes of raising awareness about the Esther Fund. In his time, I’m sure I’ll be doing so. You can help as well! Please take the time to read more about this project.