God, why did I cheat on my wife? Why did I throw away my family? Why did I think producing pornographic content would fulfill me more than her?

Oh, that I could have realized then what I realize now, this handful of years later:
She was so very amazing! Why didn’t I see that I could be just as aroused by my wife – an arousal that was instituted, with love, by you – as I always thought I’d be by other women? Why did I buy into the lie that sex with my wife was boring? I saw through that one two months after our separation, even in the midst of so much self delusion, when I started trying to explain to the new girl what it meant to have love and commitment…. the same things my wife used to say to me, receiving the same blank, uncomprehending stare from me that I received from “the new girl” each time the subject arose.  Pearls, cast before swine.

Why did I have to learn the hard way? Why couldn’t I have just listened and learned when others spoke about the life lessons they’ve learned? Why couldn’t I use the knowledge of their mistakes as an inspiration to avoid mistakes of my own?

And why now, a decade later after all has been lost (but which you can always restore) and I’ve finally accepted your love, can I not get through to so many of the 4 million plus I’ve spoken in front of – allowing the lessons I’VE learned and the things I’VE lost to inspire them to avoid the same pitfalls?

Our enemy doesn’t sleep, God.  Perhaps we shouldn’t either?

TO FIND OUT WHAT IT’S LIKE TO PRODUCE PORN, BE SURE TO READ MY LETTER TO MUSICIAN JOHN MAYER- CLICK HERE

In an internet discussion with a bunch of guys who think porn’s great, I shared a few of my “porn stories”, which you, my constant readers, have all read.  There are always all sorts of reasons/objections these guys use to explain why each story “isn’t my fault” or to find somewhere else to pass the buck of blame.

I decided to look for other stories of reality, so I went to the website of  former porn star Shelley Lubben and found some really sexy facts:

• 66% of porn stars have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
• Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
• 70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females.
• 25 HIV cases among porn performers since 2004 reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare.
• 20 suicides and 28 drug related deaths among performers that we know of since 2000.
• Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
• The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
• More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
• Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.
• There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

She has links to references backing up those stats at the bottom of the page, and a few “happy happy joy joy” stories from porn stars some of you might recognize over on this page. Beautiful stories, no? Check them out:

“I did over 100 xxx hardcore movies where I was slapped, hit, choked and forced to to sex scenes I never agreed to.
As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft.” – Michelle Avanti

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! – Alexa Milano

“People in the porn industry are numb to real life and are like zombies walking around. The abuse that goes on in this industry is completely ridiculous. The way these young ladies are treated is totally sick and brainwashing. I left due to the trauma I experienced even though I was there only a short time.” – Jessie Jewels

“I had bodily fluids all over my face that had to stay on my face for ten minutes. The abuse and degradation was rough. I sweated and was in deep pain. On top of the horrifying experience, my whole body ached, and I was irritable the whole day. The director didn’t really care how I feltt; he only wanted to finish the video.” – Genevieve

“They told me if had my AIDS test that I’d be safe. I arrived on the set with my test and did a hardcore scene with two men. Within that week I was very sick with a fever of 104 and blisters all over my mouth, throat and private area. I looked like a monster. The doctor told me I had the non-curable disease Genital Herpes. I wanted to die.” – Roxy aka Shelley Lubben

“The truth is I let my lifestyle get the best of me. I hate life. I’m a mess. A disaster. I’ve attempted suicide many times.”
“No one cares about a dead porn star or stripper.” – Neesa

“Guys punching you in the face. You have semen from many guys all over your face, in your eyes. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending.” – Jersey Jaxin

“I found out 2 days later that I had caught gonorrhea in my first scene! As quick as that the glamour of being a porn star was gone. In the five years I was shooting I caught Gonorrhea and Chlamydia many times. Sometimes both at the same time about every 3-5 months.” – Nadia Styles

“As for myself, I ended up paying the price from working in the porn industry. In 2006, not even 9 months in, I caught a moderate form of dysplasia of the cervix(which is a form of HPV, a sexually transmitted disease) and later that day, I also found out I was pregnant. I had only 1 choice which was to abort the baby during my first month. It was extremely painful emotionally and physically. When it was all over, I cried my eyes out.”- Tamra Toryn

“My first scene was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was very scary. It was a very rough scene. My agent didn’t let me know ahead of time… I did it and I was crying and they didn’t stop. It was really violent. He was hitting me. It hurt. It scared me more than anything. They wouldn’t stop. They just kept rolling.”
“Drugs are huge. They’re using viagra. It’s unnatural. The girls will be on xanax and vicodin.” – Sierra Sinn

“I didn’t want to feel the pain of penetration from an over average sized man, being told to freeze in a position until the camera man was happy with his shots was very painful. I had peoples body fluids forced on my face or anywhere else the producer pleased and I had to accept it or else no pay. Sometimes you would get to a gig and the producer would change what the scene was supposed to be to something more intense and again if you didn’t like it, too bad, you did it or no pay.” – Elizabeth Rollings

“I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal. I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks. I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough. I was too scared of the pain. I prayed God would just take me away! I felt helpless. I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church. I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning. It was easier and I needed the money.” – Crissy Moran

“I hung out with a lot of people in the Adult industry, everybody from contract girls to gonzo actresses. Everybody has the same problems. Everybody is on drugs. It’s an empty lifestyle trying to fill up a void.”
“I became horribly addicted to heroin and crack. I overdosed at least 3 times, had tricks pull knives on me, have been beaten half to death- the only reason I am still here is God. – Becca Brat

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer f**kin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.” – Lara Roxx, diagnosed with HIV in April, 2004 along with four other porn stars.

How well does this match up to the sexually appealing picture trying to be portrayed on screen?  Witnessing these types of things in person is the biggest reason I can honestly say I’m not attracted to porn.

Dear Mr. Mayer,

Do you mind if I call you John?  I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”.  We’re not friends, but I really dig your music.  In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday.  Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.

John Mayer can be found on Twitter: @JohnCMayer

I read part of the interview you did with Playboy.  I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so.  I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past.  I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.

I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography.  I know a bit about this:  I was a porn producer for 9 years.  In fact, Playboy was one of my clients.  I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions.  One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore.  I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now.  But that really doesn’t matter.  You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself.  That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point:  I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).

That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian.  I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this.  Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world.  With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate.  Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit.  Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.

John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn.  The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models.  But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly.  Sex related work does weird things to people, John.  I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks.  It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside.  I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.

I definitely want to share more on how porn affects the girls involved as actresses, but first, let’s remove some of the glamour of producing from a different angle.  I need to caution some of my readers that I’m about to copy and paste something I wrote on this blog back on March 5th, 2005, when I was still producing porn.  I’m not gonna censor the language I used , as I’m tempted to do in order to prevent my current audience from being offended.  This is a letter from me to you, John, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say by copying/pasting what I wrote back then:

When mentioning my profession to other males the response is almost always the same:

“Man, you have the perfect job!”

Or something similar. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a lot more work than you might think. And then there are the shitty assholes. By “shitty assholes” I’m being 100% literal.

On more than one occasion I’ve had a model come over for a shoot. I’ll start photographing her only to discover that her asshole is covered with shit . Seriously!

A specific example comes to mind: I noticed a smell in the room when photographing one particular model. I continued the shoot anyway. When I transferred the photos from my compact flash card (I shoot with digital SLRs: Nikon D1x, Fuji S2 Pro, Nikon D100) and looked at them on the computer I noticed that there was shit all over the model’s ass. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I don’t know why the hell a girl would come over to my house to pose naked and forget to clean her ass.

Which brings me to the subject of toilet paper…

Does anyone ever stop to think that moisture is usually necessary for proper cleaning? I mean, think about it… would you clean up oil with a dry towel? Why would you clean your ass with dry toilet paper? If you really want to be clean, invest in some flushable baby wipes! I have some sitting on the back of the toilet in every bathroom in my house.

That doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it John? But that’s not the part that I really want you to know about.  The biggest deterrent to producing porn is watching what happens in the lives of those who act in it.  I’ve shared my story with more than 4 million people now.  One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore.  I usually respond to that question with a few of my own.  You ready?  Here they are, John:

What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself?   Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one:  ”this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”?   Of course not!  That’s just not sexy, is it John?  Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?

Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up?  That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life.  It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away.  When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech.  But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.

Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop.  We love your music, man.

Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through.  You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category.  But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality.  I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”

When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either.  See, what happened in her case was this:  daddy was leaving his office with his buddies.  They were planning to go grab a beer together.  But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses.  Dad was rather humiliated, John.  He was instantly ashamed of his little girl.  When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself.  I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.

In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business.  When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:

“Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend.  People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it.  I need to forget about it and move on.  That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you.  You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list.  I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”

Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days.  She really got me going.  But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES?  Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John?  Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John.  Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer.  I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually.  I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it.  That shouldn’t be the case, John:  God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan.  It was more like this:  ”I know how you’re wired.  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife?  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you?  You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me.  I really do want the best for you.”

The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty.  No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!”  Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected.  There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else.  John, I believe Paul on that one.  I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right.  From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”.  It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John.  Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.

Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn.  You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives.  And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

DOWNLOAD THIS MP3: Donny Pauling speaking at Pocono Community Church in Pocono, Pennsylvania – Pastor David Crosby introduces me at the 12 minute mark.

I’ve been fortunate enough to speak to more than 4 million people now.  I take it much more seriously today than I did when I first started in December 2006.  You see, back then it was all about “me”.   I was telling “my” story.  What God had done in “my” life.

But traveling and meeting you all has a way of changing things.  My perspective is much different today than it was then.  That’s part of the reason I don’t write as much as I used to write:  the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t really know all that much about – well – anything.  I’ve silenced myself for the most part because God has taken the ego down a notch or two and made it very clear that this ministry isn’t about me at all.  As cliche and “Christianese” as it sounds, my story is really God’s story.  What has happened in my life is literally an illustration that He can use ALL things for his good.

When a person has a purpose, when a person has a vision, when a person has a cause, well it’s just impossible to NOT be changed.  The Bible tells us that where there is no vision, God’s people perish.  I can tell you this:  the stories you all share with me strengthen me, teach me, make me see PURPOSE and give me a vision.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for emailing me.  Thank you for shaking my hand after I’ve come down off that stage where I stood in front of you sharing my “God story”.  If you struggle with porn or are affected by someone who does, my prayer for you is that you, too, will catch a vision and see the purpose for your own life.  You might be struggling now, but once you’ve conquered this issue God is going to use you to help someone else do the same.  That’s a big responsibility.  Please choose to live up to it. And please, I beg you, continue praying that I will be given the strength to live up to MY responsibilities as well.

Lots of people email me.  Sometimes I have something to offer.  Many times I don’t.  I’m not a counselor, and am in no position to give advice for many cases.

It’s particularly hard for me to answer emails from women who are in pain due to a husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t know what to say most of the time, and I also feel so much guilt for contributing to that cycle.  When these emails come in, I’ll sometimes ask Wendy for feedback.  Wendy, as you know if you’ve been reading for any length of time, is the amazing wife God gave me, the mother of my son,  whose heart I ripped to shreds with my lies, cheating, and involvement in porn production.  After all I’ve done to her, especially because of all I’ve done to her, even though my choices have resulted in her no longer holding the title of “wife”, I’m honored to call her my friend.  A very good friend.

When a woman recently emailed me asking for help… well, I’ll just let you read Amy’s email to me, followed by Wendy’s response.  The first time I read Wendy’s letter in church it helped save a marriage.  I hope you find it useful, too.  But first, the plea for help from “Amy”:

Hello Donny,

I first want to say that I just found your blog yesterday and I sat and wept at my kitchen table as I began to read the entries, one at a time from start to finish. You have chosen such an amazing journey and I have NO doubt that God will continue to bless you and your family as he has already started to do.

I’m not really sure where to begin so I guess I will just start here…I found out a little over a year ago that my husband is addicted to pornography. It is so overwhelming for me as I am just starting to learn how deep and dark these wounds are for a man, his wife, and their marriage. I struggle everyday with the fear of what’s next.

I know my God protects me. I know who I am in his eyes. But as confident as I am in that…my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am. I feel that I am alone in this fight because I have not really found anyone who understands or can guide and support me in the decisions and choices I need to make in order to cope with this reality.

I want to be the wife that I feel in my heart that God has called me to be…I just have no idea how right now. I have been touched by your entries about your ex wife Wendy and all that the two of you have been through. She seems like a woman who has been through it and come out in a stronger place because of it.

My question is this…does she have a blog or email that she makes public? Does she, in any way, support wives who are dealing with this issue? I am really just looking for any kind of support from women that I can get. I want to know there are strong women praying for my husband and I. I want to know there is someone I can turn to when the heart ache and sadness seem like the only things that are certain in my life.

If she has nothing like this, do you have any suggestions for a wife who needs support? It seems like the wives are a lost casualty in this war…there isn’t much out there for us that I have found so far. We are from the (location removed) area so maybe you know of some things that I don’t.

I appreciate all the help you can give.

Keep up the fight…you are truly a blessed and courageous man of God.

Thanks for your honesty.

It’s been more than 7 years since Wendy and I divorced, but I think you can see the emotions still present when you read her response, which I’m about to share with you.  Pay attention to capitalization, multiple question marks, and exclamation marks.  PLEASE note that Wendy realizes this probably isn’t what God would want her to say.  But her words brought a man to repentance before God after he heard me read this aloud.  He’d heard similar things from his wife, but said hearing it from someone else brought it home for him.  This letter has had an impact on many people.  I’ve had numerous requests for a copy of it to be emailed to them.  I decided to share it with all of you.

Here is Wendy’s reply:

Donny,

You don’t understand….It hurts SOOOO much just to read this letter….and all I feel like I could give her is to say run…run RUN! Run away, far away. It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real” affair. So it’s like trying to work through a marriage one sided. While he’s having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through it…how is that fair?? Tell me….HOW IS THAT OKAY?

How can I try to give women tools to work through it? How can I tell them to try to rebuild something with someone who is not doing their part? It’s so one sided. All I would want to tell these women is to leave. And, that isn’t right, God needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to hear from Him what they’re supposed to do.

How can their marriage survive???? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit it will tear them apart. How come this should be her burden is what I wonder? The very thing he’s stabbing her heart with and tearing their family apart with and their children or whomever, is the very thing she’s supposed to help him through? As “christians” is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be a faithful warrior on his behalf when he is so selfish he would sacrifice his wife and children for photographs and fantasy???

I truly don’t even know. I don’t get it….. i just don’t get it. Her statement “my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am” and “it seems like wives are a lost casualty in this war” kill me. Because I know. For me, divorcing you and getting out of all of it, was freedom, I didn’t have to continue being torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again, I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that.

I’m angry and I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, maybe if wives left their husbands men would see reality. The reality of the fact that it’s an affair and their wives shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse just like they shouldn’t have to put up with it if he were physically abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones. Let him have his porn because that is obviously what he wants and he can’t have both.

I just don’t have the answers at this point, read in the OT when Israel was unfaithful to God, read what He did and see if you get any insight.

Wendy

Ladies, if you’ve been hurt by your husband’s porn use, you’re not alone. Your hurt is NOT unique. Porn IS an affair.

Men, what are we doing to the women God’s given us to protect, love and cherish? HE has given us his daughters. Like any good daddy, He wants us to treat them right. Can we do so? Can we show that with our actions?

And those girls on that DVD or computer screen? Yeah, they’re God’s daughters too. Can we please start treating them like the Princesses they are?

While in porn world, I became intimately acquainted with the destruction that befalls those within the industry itself. What was foreign to me, however, was the pain my product caused in families all across this country. While traveling these past few years… I’ve been educated.

There’s not a single place I’ve spoken where a handful of people don’t come up to me after service to let me know they’ve lost their marriage to porn. I know I shouldn’t be shocked at this, but I am… because it never really crossed my mind as a producer.

And just what is it that so many of us have given up our families for? Is it the fantasy of a girl curled up in a ball in a corner, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by the scene she just did that she doesn’t know how to handle it, and therefore retreats to fetal position? Is it the thought of surgeries that must be performed to repair damages done to the body of a girl who has had multiple partners on screen? Is it the thought of a girl who lost a formerly-great relationship with her father when he was confronted with images of his daughter in positions so stomach-turning that he couldn’t look at her the same way anymore? Or perhaps it’s the fantasy of the numerous lost careers these college girls have given up once it’s learned that they’ve been “porn actresses” before?  Or… (how long should I go on listing the realities of the business… I can continue if you’d like).

Do we consider that every one of those actresses is somebody’s little girl?

Those stories in that last paragraph… THAT is the reality of porn. So many of us have bought into the lie that the fantasy we see in the final edited product is not only real, but incredibly appealing. We like that lie so much we’re willing to give up priceless treasures, our families and relationships, to indulge in it for a few moments here and there.  I’ve heard story after story, and they’re all basically the same:  one spouse chooses porn over the other spouse, time after time, and their relationship crumbles. In a majority of cases, men are the ones who make this choice.  But as I travel and speak I’ve heard from several women who have also been caught up in some porn fantasy or another.

This past weekend I spoke three times in Arkansas, on the outskirts of Little Rock.  The people were fantastic… so warm and friendly.  So much fun to be around.  The countryside was beautiful.  The accents brought a smile to my face, which I tried to hide to be honest with you.  The stories and questions were the same I’ve heard all across this land:

“I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn”

“What if a couple really enjoys watching porn together?”

“Doesn’t our economy need the billions porn generates right now?”

“Donny, there are videos of me out there doing ____ and I’m afraid someone I know will ultimately see them!”

“I’ve never considered some of the things you’ve brought up before.  This has really helped me.”

“I started watching porn with my friends when we were 10 years old.  That interest has grown to the point where I’ve now done ______ “.

“Dude, my life is changed after today.”

“My marriage is about to end in divorce, and it’s because of my addiction to porn.”

We weren’t out on the streets talking to random strangers.  We were inside a church building during normal weekend services.  This weekend wasn’t unusual:  every church in which I’ve spoken brings about similar conversations.  I’ve heard some crazy things, let me tell ya.

Within even the most conservative church walls I’ve listened to confessions from people who have done things you’d never expect to hear, even including things done to animals, and these admissions aren’t from “those people out there” but from “these people in here”.  Why is that?  Could it possibly be because, for so long, the church has refused to talk much about pornography?  Doesn’t the Bible mention something about how sins that are kept in secret will grow into something much bigger?

I’m sure most churches mention pornography in passing, spending a few seconds listing it along with several other sins.  “Whew!  We got that one out of the way!” after such a glaze-over just isn’t going to cut it in these times when porn is so popular.  Yesterday, as I walked to my connecting flight through the airport in Dallas, I saw two teenage boys walking side by side, openly looking through Hustler magazine without trying to hide it.  And why not?  Our families all watch porn together from home nowadays, don’t we? …right on network television, albeit most network shows have just enough clothing on the actors to satisfy whoever it is that does the ratings these days. Hey, if it’s okay with even mom and dad, why can’t I walk through the airport beside my buddy with a porn mag open?

I’m very encouraged when churches do the type of thing Mercy’s Cross in Arkansas did this past weekend:  an entire weekend dedicated to being real about the topic of pornography, followed up with the creation of new accountability groups to continue the discussion, offering real help to all congregants, even those who don’t (or won’t admit to) deal with this particular “sin” in their life.  Bringing real life issues to light is the only way to win the battle against such.  Thank you, Mercy’s Cross, you are an encouragement.

Encourage your own church to follow suit, please.  It’s vital to address this stuff, my friends. If it’s not confronted it’s going to eat your families alive, I guarantee it!

—–
In the spirit of “Confronting the Elephant”, Mercy’s Cross had a few of these cutouts sitting in the audience. I loved it!

I wrote this a few days ago, unsure whether or not I’d actually publish it.  But why not?  Let’s do it.

On this blog I’ve voided my guts, speaking about many of my sins.  You’ve read my writings about the horrors I perpetrated on models.  You’ve read about that really stupid sex game I played with the girl to whom I was engaged when I was in “the business”.  You’ve heard me make admissions most never would.  You haven’t, however, read much about Wendy, my ex-wife.  I have this awe… this reverence… for Wendy.  Sure, I’ve blogged a time or two about some of the things I’ve done to her, but I don’t talk too much about my feelings for her or the details of the way our lives interact now.  You haven’t read much detail on the guilt I feel for ruining her life and taking away the possibilities for my son to grow up in a home where his mother and father both welcome him home from school.  Sure, I’ve alluded to it, but not to the extent I’ve discussed other things.  And definitely not to the extent that it’s screwed with my head.

Thing is, this part of my life results in inner conflict because writing is the best outlet for me to deal with my emotions, but I remain mute on this for the most part.  And, sure, I could write in private, but that just doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me as when I hit the “publish” button that allows you, my constant readers, to devour the words I’ve put on digital paper.  It’s as if, by making things public, I’m enabling God’s light to shine into dark rooms within me.  That might not make sense to you, or it might sound silly, but it’s the best way I can describe things.

In many ways, dear reader, I’m royally screwed up in the head.  I’ve seen so much, heard so much, and DONE so much that I wonder if I’ll ever be “normal”. Sure, God heals.  But maybe He doesn’t want to.  Maybe He wants me to remain raw so that I can identify with the broken.  That’s totally fine with me.  I like me.  I really, really like me.  But I do wonder if the real Donny will, for example, ever have a normal relationship.  What decent woman wants a man who has produced porn for 9 years?  A man who has had meaningless sex with dozens of “models”?   A man who trashed the two serious relationships he’s had.  And since most single women my age have children, just how much trust does it take to allow a man around one’s children who has done the things I’ve done?   And even if SHE, whoever she may be, can trust me, what the hell is her child’s father going to think… going to say… going to DO… when he finds out who his ex is dating?

Know what I mean, Vern?

And on a side note… did you know that some of the things I’ve written on this very blog about my past, are self delusions?  Sometimes I still don’t want to own up to what a total and complete ASS I was… so I sugar coat the details. Oh man, have I!  Since surrendering my life to God I’ve discovered that I even delude myself, and am slowly uncovering for (admitting to?) myself just how big a “sinner” I really was.  What a wretch!  What a horrible wretch!  (“wretch” seems to be the perfect, fitting word)

And then there’s sex… I’ve had a lot of it, with a lot of different women. And now that I’m a slave to God, and trying to honor His daughters, I’m somewhat afraid that my next wife will find me boring.  “Boring?” you ask?  Yes… boring.  “Why would you think that, Donny?”   Because I have a feeling that I’ll be so afraid of disrespecting my wife that I will be unwilling to be adventurous in any way whatsoever.  Will anything beyond the basics result in flashbacks of my porn-producing past?  At this point, if I were to guess, I’d say “yes”.

Wouldn’t it be a great story if God restored my marriage to Wendy?  Sure, and I’ve heard from people all across the country about it:  “I’m praying for you, Donny, that you and Wendy will be restored!”  Great.  So am I.  So HAVE I.  But, ya know, that’s probably not gonna happen.  After all, I cheated on her multiple times, and hid from her the fact that I produced porn for 3 years BEHIND HER BACK before finally coming clean.  What would that do to YOUR head, knowing your spouse was a lying, deceitful bastard for 3 years?  All of the memories created during those years, for instance, wouldn’t mean a damned thing, now would they?  Because every one of them would be built on a lie, wouldn’t they?  Could YOU make yourself vulnerable to such a person again?  Who would ask that of you, anyway?  Forgiveness can be given, MUST be given.  Making oneself vulnerable again, however, is not really a fair request to make.

In a very rare case of sharing detailed information from an interaction I’ve had with Wendy, let me post my own words, written to the mother of my son, in the not too distant past:

I don’t crave a relationship, but I do really want to have more kids, and I don’t want to be too old to enjoy them.  I’ve had this romantic picture in my head of getting back together with you and working really hard to communicate and build a good life together.  I love the thought of having more babies together… growing old with you… doing some traveling when kids are out of the house.   And I KNOW our relationship could be totally healed and become what it should have been all along if you wanted that like I do.  But you don’t, so I don’t know whether to keep waiting to see if you change your mind, or to believe you when you say you don’t want it.  If I thought you were just saying that and being stubborn or protecting yourself from hurt I’d wait around as long as it took.  But I don’t want to be the sad old man who is still waiting for a woman who really DOESN’T want to ever be with him.  I was an idiot and a fool and a selfish ass… but I’ve learned.  And I love you so very much and want to hold you in my arms all the time, and if I let myself think about that too much it would consume my thoughts.

So… if you do have any desire to ever talk about being a family again, I wish you’d just tell me.  Yeah, that would make you vulnerable, but I’d sure appreciate it.

And since you’re all intelligent people, I’m sure you can surmise the current state of my relationship to Wendy.  Yes, she’s my friend.  She even works for me.  Yes, we love each other… as friends, and as much as two people who have had a child together and then been split apart by divorce can love each other.  But it is highly unlikely that we’ll ever be reconciled in marriage.  Highly. Freakin’. Unlikely!

So what do I do?  In the Bible, Paul tells us that he’d rather we remain single for life, as he was… and I could probably do that.  But if you re-read that paragraph I just posted for you… that excerpt from an email to Wendy… well, I’m sure you can clearly see my preference.  My son, Caden, is such an enormous joy in my life that  I’d love to have more children.  And the thought of Caden living in this world without siblings… just saddens me a little.  Still, if remaining single is what God wants me to do I’ll be content with that, and serve Him as best I can.  And that just might be the way things go, as these past two years have made it pretty clear that a restoration of our marriage really isn’t something Wendy wants, and while I am genuine in my desire to wait around to see if that changes,  I sometimes wonder if my proclamation also serves to protect me from vulnerability.  Opening oneself up to a new relationship with another person takes a lot of courage.  Perhaps I lack that courage.

Don’t get the wrong idea, dear Constant Reader… I’m not spending my days and nights in angst, wondering if I’ll ever have another relationship again.  It’s actually not something that consumes much of my time at all.  Life is beautifully comfortable as it is. I am very spoiled.

But once in awhile…

And so I write.  ‘Cause that’s just what I do when I need to clear my mind.  And I invite you to put in your own two cents… of advice, sharing of personal experiences, or whatever you feel like posting.

Or just read and don’t post anything at all.  I’m okay with that, too.

This is powerful, no? We often play it at Porn and Pancakes events.

The lyrics can be found below the video.

Lyrics:

1st verse:
An old man vacationing, he stands patiently
under a hotel sign that blinks vacancy
he’s thinking maybe he’s too late to make the drop off
til a truck coming his way brakes and stops short
and now he’s out of sorts and you can see he’s sorta nervous
walking to the passenger door to meet his ordered service
this is someones daughter working, blames his conscience
when the driver says “she’s my youngest, her name is Constance”
he comments “and its only 6 dollars per visit
just don’t leave any marks on her, it hurts business”
thought for a minute and he confessed “that’s fair”
since it was three dollars less then his cab fair
“how old are you honey?” she says “I’m thirteen”
her nose was runny, its raining in the Philippines
he handed over the money in a chilling scene
the truck drives off and now he’s on the hunt to kill her dreams
the sign reads no vacancy, he leads Constance to a room
he has rented for taping see,
he’s about to turn six into six thousand
and all you have to do is click on your web browser
its not illegal to use rapin’ as a cash crop
as long as it says she’s 18 on your laptop
the sound of rain is her backdrop laying there
like she’s waiting for somebody to say they care
while the tears of God fall down the window pane
she feels unholy like her Father doesn’t know her name

Mary Magdalene and the Woman At The Well
He knows everything that happened and in His arms she fell.

in his arms she fell
will you stay with me

2nd verse:
He’s 21 and all alone in his household
he’s tempted by the quiet he feels and the mouse he holds
the silence of his spouse is cold
so he’s about to help that man get his six thousand gold
one click and now she’s sold
withholding his conscience scrolling through the comments
there she is looking confident a picture of Constance
in a series of video clips, “adult content”
the title blinks in bold letters like the vacancy sign
it’s his time to go get her
it’s like his mind doesn’t know better
her soul is crying out “let me go” but he wont let her
he got her trapped inside his media player
held captive by his need to replay her
its a matter of he being here and she being there
that’s why he doesn’t feel the need to care
guilt is in the seed he bears
spilling his shares of the profit
on a 500 million dollar market
where children are regarded as product
and traded like stock tips
and raped for the sake of our pockets
his lap top sits like a window into Constance room
where he exits ’cause its almost noon
and he’s expecting his wife home soon
with new clothes for the baby
she’d be angry if she saw his new lady
a thirteen year old Filipino named Constance
trust me girl God has not forgotten

He knew Mary Magdalene and the Woman at the Well
He knows everything that happened and in His arms she fell

in his arms she fell
will you stay with me

For Brian, whom I’ve known almost 10 years, who produced porn with me from time to time, and who says it’s “not porn’s fault because porn is inanimate”, and who is completely right about that.

Dear Brian,

You’re right… “porn” is inanimate and “porn” isn’t to blame for the broken lives.  People are:  I AM,  you are…  Those who consume it.  Those who market it.  Those who send traffic to those who market it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t rape the girl at a party while she was passed out, assuming it was okay ’cause she’s a “porn star”.  Isn’t it sad she has a child who will never know who his father is?

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t plaster them on her daddy’s car for him to discover when leaving work with his buddies.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t nail images to trees on her high school or college campus, humiliating her.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there the day her daddy told her he didn’t want to speak to her anymore because she’d shamed her family.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office with her the day she was kicked out of the police academy for violating their morality clause.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office the day Hewlett Packard let her go after management found out about it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there on the day she attempted suicide when she didn’t feel she could deal with the repercussions anymore.

I wasn’t in the hospital with the girl who had to have surgery to repair damage she experienced when being pounded by multiple partners in multiple orifices.

That girl curled in a ball in a corner sucking her thumb on a porn set, mind blown from what she had to experience… I don’t know what to say about stuff like that.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos… and the list goes on and on.

We recruit, we produce. We ship it off to be marketed. Some of us market it ourselves. Some of us send traffic to it.  Some of us consume it.

There’s a big circle in the “supply and demand” of porn. There are also human costs to this business. I take responsibility for my part.  I speak publicly about these things. I condemn nobody. We’re all part of it… every one of us in the supply and demand circle of porn.

Parts of the following email fill me with happiness, yet other parts break my heart, all at the same time. I’ve stayed in contact with this girl over the years since she modeled for “soft core” (meaning: posing solo/alone) images. She’s had ups and downs, but is now in school and has a really cool secretarial job. If you have a heart at all I think you’ll “get it”. I don’t have to write what is said between the lines, and I don’t have to talk about some of the things that have happened in her life. In fact, I’ve removed a few paragraphs because they were very personal. But enough remains that I think you’ll get the picture.

So, I don’t really go to people’s pages… but I clicked on yours and holy shit you went into a debate with Ron Jeremy. It made me happy. I can’t stand that guy. I’ve never seen him, in action, haha, but he’s an old slimy gross porn weirdo. And he gives me the heeby jeebys. Yuk.

I was going to say, also, that it’s not that I regret what I did as far as the shoots etc, some wierdo is getting his rocks off to my picture somewhere and that is a little disturbing, but I learned a lot. I learned that I don’t have to be slutty, to be sexy. I don’t have to be revealing to reveal beauty. I was a kid, at 18 honestly, no one can make decisions like that without someday most likely regretting it. I still don’t feel grown up, I still feel weird signing contracts, like even for a Macy’s card, because I think, will I regret this later. Mostly with contracts, you can cancel cards, etc. but with something that steals images of you in a way that you later regret, it really hits home, and I think about it a lot.

I used to be a lot more concious of my low self esteem, I always made sure I felt good about myself before leaving the house, I usually wore makeup and did my hair and I liked skimpy clothing, but really, now, now that I feel like I am a good person and I am beautiful no matter how crappy I think I look compared to the crap on tv, I just look back and I think about how stupid I was. I always try to learn from my mistakes, and that was one of them.

I thank you though, for being pretty damn cool about it the whole time, you never asked me to do anything that I felt was super weird, you never pressured me. And I still have the discs of the shoots, the few that I did, like two or something, plus that one thing… although I look cute, I don’t look pretty. I look like a HO to be honest. and it’s so far from myself that I feel like it wasn’t even me. What was me, was that night I called you, and you came and got me. Sorry if I am bringing things up that you really don’t wanna think about, but overall I am just glad that you got out of that whole thing. And that we kept in touch because you’re perhaps the only person in my life that understands me in this way, with the whole porn thing. I totally hate porn, now, and I kinda did before. Thats why I wanted only to do solo non video stuff… etc.

You’re a great guy.

I just kinda had a moment and my heart came out a little.

You understand me in a lot of ways no one does, and no one ever will, because you were the sole being that shared that experience with me. I don’t regret it, I learned from it. It was something I could see as becoming a trap, easy money etc, but it’s not easy, because it’s not easy on the mind. It doesnt hurt me anymore, it did for a little bit. But I’m a resilient person, I have been conditioned my whole life to be that way, to overcome major obstacles.

The naked body is kind of sacred, even more sacred to me since I showed it all because it made me realize how much it meant to me. That I should not share it freely, that it should be exclusive. A temple.

I asked if she’d let me use her email on my blog or when speaking to people:

I hope your talk goes extremely well! Ya, use whatever you want of what I say, it’s a compliment to me that it is worth something.

I’ve read through this several times. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes my eyes fill with tears. Do you get it? Really, do you? If you’re consuming porn, just stop. It doesn’t matter if you’re a producer or a consumer, in the Supply and Demand Circle we all play a part.

I too posed for you years ago… I was only 18 for a few days when I impulsively made the decision to work with you. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect on my life that it did on “Chico Girls” (above). My pictures were distributed all around town, for free which I was told was impossible…. My life changed drastically. I lost many people who I thought were great friends of mine, put my family and loved ones through more than I would ever have imagined, disrespected my self and my body, became severely depressed and rarely left my house because I was so ashamed… the list goes on. I lost sleep for months and ever where I went I heard whispers… It was the most humiliating experience I have ever been through. It has been almost 6 years since I took my pictures and they still come back to haunt me every now and then. Although I do think I personally made a terrible decision to take these pictures, I do have to say that the experience has made me a stronger person. I used to be somewhat judgmental and now am the complete opposite. I have no negative feelings towards the porn industry and the people in it, nor do I think any less of those involved. I just know it’s not for me. I have now learned to focus on many positive things in my life and have finally been moving forward since this “learning experience”. I am happy for you Donny that you have found your love for God. I hope the future brings you much happiness. God Bless.