Donny's Ramblings

Dear Mr. Mayer,

Do you mind if I call you John?  I know we’ve never met, it’s just that you seem like the type who’d rather be called “John” than “Mr. Mayer”.  We’re not friends, but I really dig your music.  In fact, I listened to your latest album, Battle Studies, twice on my flight back to California from the East Coast yesterday.  Right now I’m listening to a “John Mayer” mix on iTunes while I write this at my favorite coffee shop.

John Mayer can be found on Twitter: @JohnCMayer

I read part of the interview you did with Playboy.  I’m not gonna say anything at all about the racial stuff – besides, you’ve recanted all that, and I respect you for doing so.  I’ll keep buying every album you release, as I’ve done in the past.  I hope what I write here actually helps you, John – and I think it’s very possible the words that follow can do just that.

I want to discuss the part where you said you’d like to produce pornography.  I know a bit about this:  I was a porn producer for 9 years.  In fact, Playboy was one of my clients.  I produced for their ICS department and also traveled the country for a bit as part of the team recruiting for Special Editions.  One of the girls I’ve photographed even made Miss February in the main magazine, and another of my first timers was featured as well, but I don’t remember which month anymore.  I could go ask, I suppose, as she owns a business less than two miles from where I sit right now.  But that really doesn’t matter.  You said in that same interview that you probably see 300 vaginas a day while looking at porn before satisfying yourself.  That being the case, you’ve undoubtedly run across my work at some point:  I released more than 2 million pornographic photographs and hours of video footage into the world during my career. Since porn’s such a strong interest, you may have seen the debate I participated in at Yale University with Ron Jeremy, Monique Alexander and Craig Gross when it aired on Nightline ABC (click the link and scroll down to where it says “Nightline Face-Off: America Addicted to Porn?“).

That brings me to what I wanted to share with you: What is it like to produce porn? You might notice from my website title that I’m now a Christian.  I have no idea how you feel about that, but just in case you don’t look favorably on such things I’ll try to keep the Jesus stuff out of this.  Let’s just have a conversation about what goes on behind the scenes in porn world.  With or without “Jesus Stuff”, I think I can share a few things with you that you’ve never before considered… and that’s my goal: to educate.  Who knows, you might even read something that will free up your time a bit.  Porn just might not seem so attractive if you finish reading this article.

John, don’t get me wrong… I definitely had some fun times producing porn.  The money was good, the freedom was great, most of the people I knew in the business were fun to party with, and even being the overweight opposite-of-eye-candy that I am, I slept with more than my share of models.  But, honestly, the naked girls part got old very quickly.  Sex related work does weird things to people, John.  I watched college girls come through my doors with bright eyes, then watched that light fade over the coming weeks.  It’s kinda like seeing someone die inside.  I dunno about you, but I didn’t find that very sexy.

I definitely want to share more on how porn affects the girls involved as actresses, but first, let’s remove some of the glamour of producing from a different angle.  I need to caution some of my readers that I’m about to copy and paste something I wrote on this blog back on March 5th, 2005, when I was still producing porn.  I’m not gonna censor the language I used , as I’m tempted to do in order to prevent my current audience from being offended.  This is a letter from me to you, John, so I’m just gonna say what I need to say by copying/pasting what I wrote back then:

When mentioning my profession to other males the response is almost always the same:

“Man, you have the perfect job!”

Or something similar. But the truth of the matter is that it’s a lot more work than you might think. And then there are the shitty assholes. By “shitty assholes” I’m being 100% literal.

On more than one occasion I’ve had a model come over for a shoot. I’ll start photographing her only to discover that her asshole is covered with shit . Seriously!

A specific example comes to mind: I noticed a smell in the room when photographing one particular model. I continued the shoot anyway. When I transferred the photos from my compact flash card (I shoot with digital SLRs: Nikon D1x, Fuji S2 Pro, Nikon D100) and looked at them on the computer I noticed that there was shit all over the model’s ass. I couldn’t fucking believe it! I don’t know why the hell a girl would come over to my house to pose naked and forget to clean her ass.

Which brings me to the subject of toilet paper…

Does anyone ever stop to think that moisture is usually necessary for proper cleaning? I mean, think about it… would you clean up oil with a dry towel? Why would you clean your ass with dry toilet paper? If you really want to be clean, invest in some flushable baby wipes! I have some sitting on the back of the toilet in every bathroom in my house.

That doesn’t sound very glamorous, does it John? But that’s not the part that I really want you to know about.  The biggest deterrent to producing porn is watching what happens in the lives of those who act in it.  I’ve shared my story with more than 4 million people now.  One of the things I’m often asked is whether or not I’m attracted to porn anymore.  I usually respond to that question with a few of my own.  You ready?  Here they are, John:

What’s attractive about a model curled up in the fetal position in a corner between takes, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by what she’s just done to herself?   Do the porn companies share, in the credits, a line similar to this one:  ”this girl had to have surgery to repair the damage done to her body by the scene you just found so enticing”?   Of course not!  That’s just not sexy, is it John?  Nobody’d be spankin’ their monkey if stuff like that was thrown on screen, would they?

Lots of my former models are dreamin’ with broken hearts now, John. And the wakin’ up?  That’s the hardest part for sure… because every morning when she does wake up, the stuff she shot for me is still there, as it will be for life.  It isn’t ever, ever, ever going away.  When she’s old and grey, when she has grandkids running around the house, that content is still going to be out there circulating somewhere, John.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL FOR free speech.  But just because we HAVE freedom to do something doesn’t mean that we HAVE TO DO IT or that it’s a GOOD IDEA to do so.

Funny thing, John… I just took off my Beats by Dr Dre headphones, through which I was listening to my John Mayer iTunes playlist, only to hear you playing over the radio here at the coffee shop.  We love your music, man.

Here on my website I’ve shared with my readers a few stories about some of the things these girls have gone through.  You can find them by scrolling through the porn stories category.  But be warned, my friend… they just might remove some of the fantasy of pornography and replace it with a little un-sexy reality.  I don’t know about you, but if I was looking at some photos or solo-video of the very attractive girl who wrote this email to me it might be a little bit harder to masturbate to those things knowing that, in her words, she is now “freakin suicidal!!! freakin sick over this….throwing up, cannot sleep at all…” It just doesn’t seem as sexy as it used to be when she tells me that (pasting her words again) “I know I did those pics and yes it was my fault, I want to get them OFF the internet. Is there anyway possible to do that ASAP? I will pay you the money back, whatever it takes. This will and is ruining my life.”

When I received a round of emails and phone calls from a beautiful girl who was begging me, in tears while sobbing so hard I could barely understand her, to get her content off the Internet as it had ruined the relationship she had with her father… that wasn’t a very lust-inducing experience either.  See, what happened in her case was this:  daddy was leaving his office with his buddies.  They were planning to go grab a beer together.  But when daddy and his buddies got to his car it was covered with photos of his daughter in various explicit poses.  Dad was rather humiliated, John.  He was instantly ashamed of his little girl.  When he shared this incident with her, she was rather ashamed herself.  I shot the photos that ended up on daddy’s car, and when I did so it didn’t cross my mind that she wasn’t someone to visualize while chokin’ the chicken – that she was actually somebody’s baby girl, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s sister… a beautiful person who was born to be loved, not lusted over by millions of men.

In the past three and a half years I’ve attempted to apologize to former models/actresses I recruited into the business.  When I tried to befriend one on myspace I received this email as her response:

“Hello Donny,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be your friend.  People found out about the pictures I did and I came really close to killing myself over it.  I need to forget about it and move on.  That does not mean I blame you or anything, but that does mean I have to cut ties involving it, and that does involve you.  You’re more than welcome to write me, etc… I just can’t have you on my friends list.  I’m very sorry and hope you understand.”

Let me tell you, John… I’d fantasized for months about that girl following the photo shoots I had with her way back in my early porn producing days.  She really got me going.  But hearing that she, too, almost killed herself over PICTURES?  Knowing that, a person would have to be rather emotionless to be able to still look at those photos and be aroused by them.

Are you picking up what I’m laying down, John?  Producing porn pretty much killed my sex drive DEAD, John.  Between me and you, I’m kind of afraid that when I’m finally married again I’ll be so screwed up in the head over what I’ve witnessed that my sex life with my wife will suffer.  I’ve spoken to counselors about that, actually.  I’ve seen how fake porn is, my friend, and after shooting it for so long I can’t seem to help associating anything sexual with it.  That shouldn’t be the case, John:  God created sex to be beautiful and fun, and He had reasons for asking us to confine it to committed relationships – I swear to you, He didn’t ask that of us in order to take our fun away or so He’d have a reason to send us to hell if we didn’t follow His plan.  It was more like this:  ”I know how you’re wired.  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have other people in your head when you’re making love to your wife?  Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t have to worry about who was in your her head when she’s with you?  You can do whatever you want, but I wish you’d trust me.  I really do want the best for you.”

The reality of what porn has done to real-life people isn’t pretty.  No amount of justification removes what I’ve seen.  It doesn’t matter how often people say things like, “they were adults making their own adult decisions” and “well, if our puritanical society didn’t make such a big deal out of sex this sort of thing wouldn’t happen!”  Those words are so shallow and meaningless after seeing so many lives personally affected.  There is a letter in the Bible where Paul writes to the people of Corinth that sexual things affected us on a deeper level than anything else.  John, I believe Paul on that one.  I have personal experience that gives evidence he’s right.  From my model Karma, who has a baby who will never know his father (because men decided to rape here while she was passed out at a party – after all, she’s a “porn star” so why not take what they want, right?) to the girl who called me in humiliated tears after going to her college campus one day only to find photos of herself stapled on trees all across campus, I have seen the fallout from sexual “sin”.  It makes me ashamed to be a man sometimes, John.  Indeed, the female body is a wonderland, my friend, and so many of us use our hands… and lose our heads and hearts… over it.

Trust me, John… you don’t want to produce porn.  You don’t want to be responsible for devastating lives.  And no matter how good your intentions might be, that’s exactly what you’d be doing.

DOWNLOAD THIS MP3: Donny Pauling speaking at Pocono Community Church in Pocono, Pennsylvania – Pastor David Crosby introduces me at the 12 minute mark.

I’ve been fortunate enough to speak to more than 4 million people now.  I take it much more seriously today than I did when I first started in December 2006.  You see, back then it was all about “me”.   I was telling “my” story.  What God had done in “my” life.

But traveling and meeting you all has a way of changing things.  My perspective is much different today than it was then.  That’s part of the reason I don’t write as much as I used to write:  the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t really know all that much about – well – anything.  I’ve silenced myself for the most part because God has taken the ego down a notch or two and made it very clear that this ministry isn’t about me at all.  As cliche and “Christianese” as it sounds, my story is really God’s story.  What has happened in my life is literally an illustration that He can use ALL things for his good.

When a person has a purpose, when a person has a vision, when a person has a cause, well it’s just impossible to NOT be changed.  The Bible tells us that where there is no vision, God’s people perish.  I can tell you this:  the stories you all share with me strengthen me, teach me, make me see PURPOSE and give me a vision.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for emailing me.  Thank you for shaking my hand after I’ve come down off that stage where I stood in front of you sharing my “God story”.  If you struggle with porn or are affected by someone who does, my prayer for you is that you, too, will catch a vision and see the purpose for your own life.  You might be struggling now, but once you’ve conquered this issue God is going to use you to help someone else do the same.  That’s a big responsibility.  Please choose to live up to it. And please, I beg you, continue praying that I will be given the strength to live up to MY responsibilities as well.

Lots of people email me.  Sometimes I have something to offer.  Many times I don’t.  I’m not a counselor, and am in no position to give advice for many cases.

It’s particularly hard for me to answer emails from women who are in pain due to a husband’s porn addiction.  I don’t know what to say most of the time, and I also feel so much guilt for contributing to that cycle.  When these emails come in, I’ll sometimes ask Wendy for feedback.  Wendy, as you know if you’ve been reading for any length of time, is the amazing wife God gave me, the mother of my son,  whose heart I ripped to shreds with my lies, cheating, and involvement in porn production.  After all I’ve done to her, especially because of all I’ve done to her, even though my choices have resulted in her no longer holding the title of “wife”, I’m honored to call her my friend.  A very good friend.

When a woman recently emailed me asking for help… well, I’ll just let you read Amy’s email to me, followed by Wendy’s response.  The first time I read Wendy’s letter in church it helped save a marriage.  I hope you find it useful, too.  But first, the plea for help from “Amy”:

Hello Donny,

I first want to say that I just found your blog yesterday and I sat and wept at my kitchen table as I began to read the entries, one at a time from start to finish. You have chosen such an amazing journey and I have NO doubt that God will continue to bless you and your family as he has already started to do.

I’m not really sure where to begin so I guess I will just start here…I found out a little over a year ago that my husband is addicted to pornography. It is so overwhelming for me as I am just starting to learn how deep and dark these wounds are for a man, his wife, and their marriage. I struggle everyday with the fear of what’s next.

I know my God protects me. I know who I am in his eyes. But as confident as I am in that…my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am. I feel that I am alone in this fight because I have not really found anyone who understands or can guide and support me in the decisions and choices I need to make in order to cope with this reality.

I want to be the wife that I feel in my heart that God has called me to be…I just have no idea how right now. I have been touched by your entries about your ex wife Wendy and all that the two of you have been through. She seems like a woman who has been through it and come out in a stronger place because of it.

My question is this…does she have a blog or email that she makes public? Does she, in any way, support wives who are dealing with this issue? I am really just looking for any kind of support from women that I can get. I want to know there are strong women praying for my husband and I. I want to know there is someone I can turn to when the heart ache and sadness seem like the only things that are certain in my life.

If she has nothing like this, do you have any suggestions for a wife who needs support? It seems like the wives are a lost casualty in this war…there isn’t much out there for us that I have found so far. We are from the (location removed) area so maybe you know of some things that I don’t.

I appreciate all the help you can give.

Keep up the fight…you are truly a blessed and courageous man of God.

Thanks for your honesty.

It’s been more than 7 years since Wendy and I divorced, but I think you can see the emotions still present when you read her response, which I’m about to share with you.  Pay attention to capitalization, multiple question marks, and exclamation marks.  PLEASE note that Wendy realizes this probably isn’t what God would want her to say.  But her words brought a man to repentance before God after he heard me read this aloud.  He’d heard similar things from his wife, but said hearing it from someone else brought it home for him.  This letter has had an impact on many people.  I’ve had numerous requests for a copy of it to be emailed to them.  I decided to share it with all of you.

Here is Wendy’s reply:

Donny,

You don’t understand….It hurts SOOOO much just to read this letter….and all I feel like I could give her is to say run…run RUN! Run away, far away. It’s adultery in the most painful form. It’s ongoing because it’s not a “real” affair. So it’s like trying to work through a marriage one sided. While he’s having this continual affair, you’re trying to work through it…how is that fair?? Tell me….HOW IS THAT OKAY?

How can I try to give women tools to work through it? How can I tell them to try to rebuild something with someone who is not doing their part? It’s so one sided. All I would want to tell these women is to leave. And, that isn’t right, God needs to deal with each situation on an individual basis and they need to hear from Him what they’re supposed to do.

How can their marriage survive???? To me, it can’t. If he doesn’t quit it will tear them apart. How come this should be her burden is what I wonder? The very thing he’s stabbing her heart with and tearing their family apart with and their children or whomever, is the very thing she’s supposed to help him through? As “christians” is that what we are supposed to do? Stand by his side and be a faithful warrior on his behalf when he is so selfish he would sacrifice his wife and children for photographs and fantasy???

I truly don’t even know. I don’t get it….. i just don’t get it. Her statement “my husbands addiction is stripping away all that I am” and “it seems like wives are a lost casualty in this war” kill me. Because I know. For me, divorcing you and getting out of all of it, was freedom, I didn’t have to continue being torn apart. I could get strong and rebuild my life. When you’re in it, your heart is ripped to shreds over and over and over again, I don’t know how to counsel someone who is going through that.

I’m angry and I have no understanding for this level of selfishness. Who knows, maybe if wives left their husbands men would see reality. The reality of the fact that it’s an affair and their wives shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse just like they shouldn’t have to put up with it if he were physically abusing them. How is it different? Emotional wounds hurt more than physical ones. Let him have his porn because that is obviously what he wants and he can’t have both.

I just don’t have the answers at this point, read in the OT when Israel was unfaithful to God, read what He did and see if you get any insight.

Wendy

Ladies, if you’ve been hurt by your husband’s porn use, you’re not alone. Your hurt is NOT unique. Porn IS an affair.

Men, what are we doing to the women God’s given us to protect, love and cherish? HE has given us his daughters. Like any good daddy, He wants us to treat them right. Can we do so? Can we show that with our actions?

And those girls on that DVD or computer screen? Yeah, they’re God’s daughters too. Can we please start treating them like the Princesses they are?

This is powerful, no? We often play it at Porn and Pancakes events.

The lyrics can be found below the video.

Lyrics:

1st verse:
An old man vacationing, he stands patiently
under a hotel sign that blinks vacancy
he’s thinking maybe he’s too late to make the drop off
til a truck coming his way brakes and stops short
and now he’s out of sorts and you can see he’s sorta nervous
walking to the passenger door to meet his ordered service
this is someones daughter working, blames his conscience
when the driver says “she’s my youngest, her name is Constance”
he comments “and its only 6 dollars per visit
just don’t leave any marks on her, it hurts business”
thought for a minute and he confessed “that’s fair”
since it was three dollars less then his cab fair
“how old are you honey?” she says “I’m thirteen”
her nose was runny, its raining in the Philippines
he handed over the money in a chilling scene
the truck drives off and now he’s on the hunt to kill her dreams
the sign reads no vacancy, he leads Constance to a room
he has rented for taping see,
he’s about to turn six into six thousand
and all you have to do is click on your web browser
its not illegal to use rapin’ as a cash crop
as long as it says she’s 18 on your laptop
the sound of rain is her backdrop laying there
like she’s waiting for somebody to say they care
while the tears of God fall down the window pane
she feels unholy like her Father doesn’t know her name

Mary Magdalene and the Woman At The Well
He knows everything that happened and in His arms she fell.

in his arms she fell
will you stay with me

2nd verse:
He’s 21 and all alone in his household
he’s tempted by the quiet he feels and the mouse he holds
the silence of his spouse is cold
so he’s about to help that man get his six thousand gold
one click and now she’s sold
withholding his conscience scrolling through the comments
there she is looking confident a picture of Constance
in a series of video clips, “adult content”
the title blinks in bold letters like the vacancy sign
it’s his time to go get her
it’s like his mind doesn’t know better
her soul is crying out “let me go” but he wont let her
he got her trapped inside his media player
held captive by his need to replay her
its a matter of he being here and she being there
that’s why he doesn’t feel the need to care
guilt is in the seed he bears
spilling his shares of the profit
on a 500 million dollar market
where children are regarded as product
and traded like stock tips
and raped for the sake of our pockets
his lap top sits like a window into Constance room
where he exits ’cause its almost noon
and he’s expecting his wife home soon
with new clothes for the baby
she’d be angry if she saw his new lady
a thirteen year old Filipino named Constance
trust me girl God has not forgotten

He knew Mary Magdalene and the Woman at the Well
He knows everything that happened and in His arms she fell

in his arms she fell
will you stay with me

For Brian, whom I’ve known almost 10 years, who produced porn with me from time to time, and who says it’s “not porn’s fault because porn is inanimate”, and who is completely right about that.

Dear Brian,

You’re right… “porn” is inanimate and “porn” isn’t to blame for the broken lives.  People are:  I AM,  you are…  Those who consume it.  Those who market it.  Those who send traffic to those who market it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t rape the girl at a party while she was passed out, assuming it was okay ’cause she’s a “porn star”.  Isn’t it sad she has a child who will never know who his father is?

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t plaster them on her daddy’s car for him to discover when leaving work with his buddies.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but didn’t nail images to trees on her high school or college campus, humiliating her.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there the day her daddy told her he didn’t want to speak to her anymore because she’d shamed her family.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office with her the day she was kicked out of the police academy for violating their morality clause.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t in the office the day Hewlett Packard let her go after management found out about it.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos, but wasn’t there on the day she attempted suicide when she didn’t feel she could deal with the repercussions anymore.

I wasn’t in the hospital with the girl who had to have surgery to repair damage she experienced when being pounded by multiple partners in multiple orifices.

That girl curled in a ball in a corner sucking her thumb on a porn set, mind blown from what she had to experience… I don’t know what to say about stuff like that.

I recruited the model and shot the photos/videos… and the list goes on and on.

We recruit, we produce. We ship it off to be marketed. Some of us market it ourselves. Some of us send traffic to it.  Some of us consume it.

There’s a big circle in the “supply and demand” of porn. There are also human costs to this business. I take responsibility for my part.  I speak publicly about these things. I condemn nobody. We’re all part of it… every one of us in the supply and demand circle of porn.

I too posed for you years ago… I was only 18 for a few days when I impulsively made the decision to work with you. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect on my life that it did on “Chico Girls” (above). My pictures were distributed all around town, for free which I was told was impossible…. My life changed drastically. I lost many people who I thought were great friends of mine, put my family and loved ones through more than I would ever have imagined, disrespected my self and my body, became severely depressed and rarely left my house because I was so ashamed… the list goes on. I lost sleep for months and ever where I went I heard whispers… It was the most humiliating experience I have ever been through. It has been almost 6 years since I took my pictures and they still come back to haunt me every now and then. Although I do think I personally made a terrible decision to take these pictures, I do have to say that the experience has made me a stronger person. I used to be somewhat judgmental and now am the complete opposite. I have no negative feelings towards the porn industry and the people in it, nor do I think any less of those involved. I just know it’s not for me. I have now learned to focus on many positive things in my life and have finally been moving forward since this “learning experience”. I am happy for you Donny that you have found your love for God. I hope the future brings you much happiness. God Bless.

Hey there. Haven’t talked to you in a long time. I’m hoping what I’m reading is true. Good for you. I’ve wanted to talk to you for a few years now but haven’t had the guts.

Life’s been kind of hard since I took those pics with you 7-8 years back. I had to drop out of a class because the instructor was giving me his opinion about the photos that he just happened to stumble upon, the love of my life broke up with me cause of the pics, got back together with me but will never marry me, I’ve had people I work with get together behind closed doors and share those pictures with each other (had to quit), people recognize me when I’m out about town, I’ve lost my sense of security.

I’m guessing if what you say is true… you might be willing to consider giving up the rights to my photos? I’m sorry, it takes much courage for me to ask this but life has literally been hell for me since then. I’m a christian and I’m very ashamed of what I did. Though I can never take it back I would love to know that those pics will never be distributed by you again. Let me know what you think and if you would consider discussing this with me.

Thanks

I really wish I hadn’t sold my sites 10 months before surrendering my life to God. As things are, I can do nothing.

Roschel Wynn modeled for me when she was 19 years old. Yesterday I interviewed her for this podcast (which is also going to be released on the XXXChurch podcast as well as Jason Harper’s Triad Podcast). She wanted to share her story, her experiences.

Beginning with a shoot that incorporated both photos and video content, her first job for us was for a Playboy owned website. She also modeled for a handful of amateur sites that purchased content from us. Even though she did all “solo” work and never touched another person, the work she did for us still affects her to this day.

Roschel reads this blog, so if you’d like to say something to her feel free to leave a message.

This audio interview lasts 33 minutes, 16 seconds. You can listen here:
[audio http://donnysramblings.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/donny.mp3]

Or download the file here:
Right click and save to your hard drive…

For some reason, I’ve been really feeling compelled to contact one of the girls who modeled for me. I finally tracked her down and had a conversation with her via Yahoo Instant Messenger a few days ago. Amongst other things, I asked if she’d mind allowing me to interview her for the column I write for XXXChurch.com. I promised to keep her anonymous.

Today I received this message from her:

Donny-
Hey, well I’ve been thinking about our convo the last couple days and i finally went on your myspace to read some of your comments to see if you were truly being honest. I saw the last comment from the guy talking about seeing your pod cast on xxx church and so I decided to watch it. I’m so happy for you and I want to ask for your forgiveness. I was a horrible Christian when I was doing what I was doing. I was not only putting myself in a horrible position but I was putting you in that position too by allowing that to go on. I also wanted to tell you that I’ve hated you till now. I know it sounds extreme but I blamed you for where I was at. If it hadn’t been for you taking those pictures I would still be able to hold my head high. Now I’ve realized that that was Satan. He was telling me to blame you when all along I should’ve been blaming myself for everything that was going wrong in my life. I needed someone to blame other than myself. You were it. I’m sorry. Also I forgive you. I forgive you for taking the pictures. It sounds stupid because that was your job and I’m forgiving you for your job but for some reason I feel like I needed to say that. For what it’s worth. I would love to do the interview and if you want a testimony on screen I would love to tell my story. You don’t have to keep me anonymous. I feel like it makes more of an impact if you can see that person, it’s real. But it’s up to you, I’m just God’s tool. He makes everything good. Thank you Donny. You’ve helped me more than you know. Please give me a call when you have a chance. Talk to you soon. God Bless
-R

I removed the rest of her name because I want her to be very sure she’s okay going on record or on camera. If she’s sure about it, I look forward to allowing readers to place a face with yet another story of how porn affects the lives of those involved.

I am also very thankful for her forgiveness.

There will likely be more on this story in the near future…

I’m cross posting this to both this column on Donny’s Ramblings as well as the column I write on the XXXChurch website. I’m thinking this is gonna be a long one.

Wendy, my ex-wife, and I are pretty good friends. We were high school sweethearts. We dated 4 years and were married 6 years. During 3 of those married years I produced porn behind her back: first on a part time basis, later full time.

After our divorce, Wendy and I maintained a unique relationship. Our son deserved parents who got along. Who cooperated with each other. Who loved him despite their differences, and who demonstrated that love, in part, by keeping their personal disagreements out of his life as much as possible. That’s what he received.

Now, as a Christian, everyone talks about the two of us reuniting. “Wouldn’t that be the ultimate display of God’s healing power?” they ask. Or some similar question that means pretty much the same thing.

I can’t say the two of us haven’t discussed it, but I can say that at this point such a reunion doesn’t look very promising. We’re friends. Best friends. But there’s a lot of… baggage between us, you might say. Some very painful experiences. Some very bad memories.

Wendy has accepted my apologies. She’s forgiven me. She’s an amazing woman. Forgiveness and re-committing one’s entire life to the person who caused so much hurt… well, those are two completely different animals.

Sometimes she has an issue with this blog and with my speaking engagements. Oftentimes she has “issues” with me over a variety of other topics. There’s a lot to work through.

When she recently asked me why I don’t focus more on what porn cost us while blogging or speaking I asked her if she’s actually read everything I’ve written or listened to all that has been spoken. Admittedly, she doesn’t read a good portion of what I write. It’s easy to understand why. A lot of the topics written about here are still a raw wound in Wendy’s life. She definitely didn’t deserve what I put her through.

Tonight I’m writing a bit more about the personal costs. I’m going to rip myself open for this one.

Straight, blunt talk.

To start, I’ll have to share more of the details of my past. Only by doing so can I paint the picture of what my lifestyle choices have cost.

–

Like most males, I had a personal interest in porn. I preferred to look at solo models. Hardcore sex content didn’t really interest me. The visuals that “got me going” didn’t involve other men molesting the fantasy women I viewed.

My first adult magazine was one left in a park where a friend and I played. I was in grade school. The images intrigued me. The corny words beneath them are still in my mind to this day. I can literally tell you what was written beneath my favorite images.

I also remember buying magazines from a liquor store near my home when I was in the 10th grade. The clerk had to have known I wasn’t 18, but he sold them to me anyway.

Still, my interest in porn was an off-again, on-again thing. It hadn’t consumed me.

Yet.

What really got me was when I was showed photos of a woman I knew. The photographer, her husband, had no evil intentions. He was just proud of his wife. What happened in my mind is almost indescribable. Not only was it a turn on to see someone I knew so exposed, I started thinking that I could have one helluva good time picking up the camera and pointing it at willing models of my own. I’d never considered photographing a nude female before that time, but afterwards it is something I wanted to do very much.

I found a private party willing to part with cash for photos. I also did a bit of research and found companies willing to buy.

At first, I photographed a few girls I knew. It wasn’t hard. I can’t describe it, but there’s something intriguing to many woman about being photographed nude. With less money than you might imagine, it was easy to change “Yeah it might be fun to pose naked but I’d never actually do it” into “Yeah, I’ll do that… I’ve always wanted to pose nude.”

I’m a smooth talker when I want to be. That definitely helped.

In my own home, I once photographed a girl who had been a High School classmate. Wendy was at work. To show off, I emailed some of the photos to an acquaintance I’d met on an instant messaging program. He sent a few of the photos back to Wendy. That almost ended in divorce. She didn’t believe me when I told her I wasn’t sleeping with the girl. She didn’t believe I’d done it for money (and even if she had believed the money part, her feelings on the matter wouldn’t have been much different).

We got over it as best we could. She assumed I wouldn’t do such a thing again.

I didn’t want to hurt her, but I didn’t want to give up the thrill of making money by photographing naked women. I decided I’d just have to work harder at hiding my “work”. And honestly, at that point the money wasn’t the major motivator. I was addicted to the rush of having models expose themselves to me. I was addicted to producing pornography.

Later the thrill would subside and I’d be motivated to “go big” by the desire for money and the desire to throw my actions into the faces of the religious hypocrites I’d been around each church service, all of my life.

I was caught again when I forgot to erase photos off the card of our digital camera. Earlier that day I’d done a “test shoot” of a model so that I could email her photos to a client for approval. When Wendy saw them I convinced her they were pics my friend John had found online, and that I’d had him transfer them to my compact flash card so I could look at them later. A few rocky days later and we’d moved on.

I kept shooting models behind her back.

A day came when I slept with one of them after a shoot. I hated myself for it. I decided to hide my actions from Wendy but promised myself that if I ever did such a thing again I was going to come clean.

While Wendy was pregnant I continued shooting models. With a baby on the way, you’d think that if there was any decency left inside of me I’d stop what I was doing. I didn’t. I congratulated myself that I hadn’t slept with other models. I congratulated myself for “keeping it professional”.

When Caden was a newborn I started my first porn sites.

While on a business trip to Los Angeles I was called by a model who’d worked for me a few weeks prior. She was also in Los Angeles and wanted a ride home. We spent the night together in a hotel along the way.

A few weeks later I kept the promise I’d made to myself: I told Wendy the truth about my “work” while on another business trip to Phoenix.

That was it. I never again spent the night in the home we’d made together.

—

In my case, what did my “porn life” cost?

My self respect? Surely.

A great wife? Absolutely.

What else did it cost? I’ll share some of what I know, but there are many “costs” that I do not even comprehend myself.

It cost my son, the most important person in the world to me, the chance at having his mom and dad at home when he arrives from school. It cost him the chance to witness what relationships are supposed to be like. To witness how a man should love his wife. To witness how two people who love each other should learn to bend and give and compromise. I don’t have the chance to help Caden with his homework as I’d like to do, because I’m not usually there when he comes home from school. My decisions took that opportunity away.

It cost Wendy intense personal anguish. One day she had a husband she loved, the next she was living in the house we shared with only her infant son to keep her company. I can’t imagine how crushing that must have been. I can’t imagine the gut wrenching anguish and tears she must have experienced.

Just a few months later, when I’d started dating Belinda and was “living it up” as a man who was all of a sudden able to freely, openly produce pornography, I can’t imagine how horrible it must have been for an innocent mother to watch me drive away with our baby boy in the car and another woman in the passenger seat.

She once told me she was unable to watch a romance movie for 2 years after our separation.

The only way I can cope with this stuff, by the way, is to realize that the wretched man who did all of these things has been forgiven and given the chance to start with a clean slate. THANK GOD FOR HIS GRACE. And thank Wendy for hers, as well.

Wendy wasn’t the only one affected. Her entire family grieved with her. Her entire family was thrown for a loop, wondering how something like this could happen to someone who definitely didn’t deserve it.

Wendy’s little brother, with whom I’d been very close since he was an infant, all of a sudden lost a loving “Uncle” figure.

Amongst my friends and family, many lives were thrown into turmoil by my actions. The fallout affected others more than you might imagine… more than I might imagine… more than I’ll ever fully comprehend.

—

If I were to stick my finger in a light socket, the resulting shock would not be a punishment. That shock would be a result of my free will to make a bad decision. Cause and Effect.

If you were passing by me when I had my finger in that socket, and I grabbed you, the shock you’d receive wouldn’t be punishment either. You’d be affected by MY free will… by MY bad decision. You, as an innocent bystander, would experience pain because of the actions of another. Again, Cause and Effect.

And so it goes in lives all over the world. Innocent children are killed because of the free will actions of their parents or some complete stranger. Innocent husbands are torn apart because of the free will of their wives, who have affairs. Innocent wives are hurt because of the free will actions of their husbands, who can’t control the impulse to consume pornography.

I realize there are some who make the claim that pornography can enrich the sex lives of couples who consume it. I am not going to debate that particular issue at this time. But what I will say is that there are many wives who are NOT OKAY with their husbands consuming pornography. It doesn’t matter if the husband thinks there is no harm in it: if his wife has a problem with it, he shouldn’t do it, pure and simple (I’m not going to get into the moral reasons to stay away from porn at the moment, either).

When we were married, Wendy used to be “hurt” by several things. I used to think some of the things that hurt her feelings were ridiculous. I’d get upset that I had to walk on eggshells and watch what I said out of fear that she might be hurt.

As I age and experience life, I have begun realizing that she had a right to be herself. She shouldn’t have been expected to change for me. I either needed to make myself compatible with her, or choose not to be with her, or she could choose not to be with me.

Regardless of a person’s moral beliefs, this same concept applies when we start talking about whether or not pornography hurts marriages. The fact of the matter is that many women are indeed hurt (yes, even outside the spiritual arena) when they find out their husbands consume pornography. You, my constant reader, may personally believe it’s ridiculous to feel that way, but the fact is, it DOES hurt, for whatever the reason may be. In such a case, a husband needs to stop watching porn. He needs to respect his wife’s feelings. He made a commitment to her, after all, for better or worse.

He needs to stop hurting the innocent with his free will decisions.

My personal attraction to porn led down a path that ended up costing everything that should have been valuable to me. I was too daft, too bitter, too selfish to see what really mattered in life. The same can be said for those who allow pornography to control them, or who have chosen to produce it without regard for the lives of those involved, or those who have chosen to act in it, or…

Thank God that Jesus Christ can and will set those free who want to be set free. I am glad I accepted that freedom. I may never recover all that was lost, but I have already recovered so much.

If you’re struggling, reach out for help. It’s there for the taking.