A NOTE ON MY STRUGGLE IN WRITING THIS STORY

If I do my job correctly, putting into words what I’ve learned from my time with Ted Haggard, I think you’ll see things in a way you’ve never before considered.  This is a task I’ve taken very seriously.  I’ve gone back and forth on how to write this series.  In conversations around the time I spoke to Ted, an opportunity arose to get this story on the Associated Press newswire.  Anytime a writer can be linked to an AP story that would potentially be picked up by news publications across the country and around the world and read by millions of people… well, I probably don’t have to tell you that’s an incredible opportunity!

But the problem is this: the story that would be conducive to such a result is not the story I feel God wants me to write.  It’s been a struggle to answer this simple question:  do I want to write for the secular world, using Ted’s name, fame and life experiences to further my own endeavors, or do I want to write what God’s put on my heart to write for a Christian audience, speak more about spiritual matters, and risk having a much smaller readership? I’ve chosen to listen to that still, small voice speaking inside and give you what I feel I’m supposed to share.  This story might never be seen by as many eyeballs as it could have commanded, but I pray those of you who DO read it get as much out of this experience as I have.

And by all means, please forward the story link to friends!

Let’s begin…

THIS SERIES CONSISTS OF:

1. Conversations with Ted Haggard – A Prelude
2. Conversations with Ted Haggard – Part 1 (current article)
3. Conversations with Ted Haggard – Part 2
4. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts to share at some point in the future.  Bookmark this blog and return or befriend me on twitter, Facebook or Myspace and watch for updates

Also See the Two Articles My Pastor Wrote About this Interview:

1. Ted Haggard – Born Again Again?
2. Which Is Worse?  [Ted Haggard #2]

A PLEA

In the Author’s Note for his book Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn’t resolve. But I was outside Bagdad Theatre in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for 15 minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

I can identify with Don’s note.  Sometimes when we look at something through the eyes of another person we see things in a different way than we’ve ever seen them before.  When my ex-wife told me how she sees my mother, I stood back and looked at her through Wendy’s eyes and lost a lot of the bitterness I’d held onto for so long.  In discussions with my Pastor, he’s told me of his love of the Bible and of the Church.  I’ve had a chip on my shoulder towards the church for years, and have oftentimes found the Bible to be a book I just didn’t want to read, but when Bill looked me in the eyes and spoke of his love for these things I knew he was telling me the truth.  I went searching for what it was that Bill saw in the Church, in the Bible, that made him feel such love.  That search changed my outlook.

Today I ask you to see Ted Haggard through my eyes.

MEETING TED

We’ve heard about the Ted Haggard who used to speak out publicly against rights for homosexuals, yet was secretly engaging in homosexual activity himself.  We’ve heard about the Ted Haggard who agreed to enter a spiritual restoration program, only to leave it before that process was completed.  We’ve heard about “New Allegations” as recently as this past January.  We’ve heard… lots of things about the man who was at one time the pastor of a church of more than 14,000 congregants and the president of the National Association of Evangelicals, which is itself comprised of 30 million conservative Christians spread out over 45,000 churches from 52 different denominations.

But what most of us HAVEN’T heard is what the man himself has to say about these topics.

Ted and Gayle Haggard

You could call me a cynic and not be off base.  I’m honestly quite critical of the motives of others.  Throughout my life, raised the son of a Pentecostal Pastor, I’ve seen church leaders fall.  I’ve witnessed the blatant hypocrisy of Brother or Sister Super-Spiritual, who acted one way on Sundays yet filled the rest of their week with disgrace.  All of my life I was told what the Mormons believe, what Catholics believe, what Jehovah’s Witnesses believe, and I trusted the religious leaders who told me these things.  Yet when I asked Mormons, Catholics, or Witnesses to clarify their beliefs for me, it was only then that I discovered much of what I’d been told they believed was not accurate.

So when the opportunity was presented to ask Ted Haggard any questions I wished to ask, I jumped on the chance to hear his side of the story. This past May 4th I spent the first of what would end up being three interviews in the lobby of the Hampton Inn, where Ted and his wife were staying while visiting my hometown: Redding, California.  I looked into his eyes and read his body language.  I had my BS detector set to “high” and, although I didn’t hook him up to a lie detector, I’m convinced the man I spoke with told me the truth.  As we discussed emotionally charged topics I watched his moods swing like a weight on a string from deep sorrow to humble repentance to anger, a little bitterness and even a bit of cynicism.

Oh, how I identify with those mood swings!  I’ve gone through the same range of emotions myself, as I heal from both a childhood of Christian legalism and a rebellious nine year career of porn production.  There are times I’ll feel something very strongly, yet hours later feel entirely different.  During our time together I discussed this with Ted:

DONNY: When I first got out of the porn business and became a Christian I would write a lot of venom.  I sometimes spew venom, still, on my frustrations with Christians.  I was asked to write a book but I put it off when I finally realized that I am not in the right place to write it, because over time my attitudes and opinions have changed. Have you felt that same range of emotions?

TED: Yes, indeed.  You just described exactly where I am.  There are times when I have all these emotions that I just need to get out.  I’ve gotta process it through, which is very difficult on other people.  Because I’m not still there five hours later.  Five hours later there’s a wave of grace.  Here’s how I describe it:  it’s very much like the death of a loved one.  When you have a death of a loved one there are waves of grief.  And in between that grief it’s just as if your emotions are normal.  You’re able to go about your day.  I am in grief because of what I did to myself, my friends, the church… my sin.  And I am in grief that I was so rejected by my friends in the Body.  That’s a death to me.  Being removed from New Life Church is a death.  But I created the scenario that led to that.  It’s not as if that happened without my participation.  And so I am in that process right now, and it is very painful for the people that are around me, because I’ll say something with passion and the appearance that it’s a deeply held conviction but two hours later I don’t feel that way anymore.  It’s not instability, it’s a healthy process of getting where I need to be, but it requires a great deal of understanding and patience from those around me.

Ted went on to elaborate how both sides of the pendulum apply to his everyday life:

TED: Both [sides] are true in me.  I AM angry.  At myself and at people’s response to me.  And at the same time, a few hours later, I feel grief, sorrow, embarrassment and shame.  Then a few hours later I feel like everything is normal, and so I’ve got to work through that.

Witnessing this range of emotions during those three days, in which two were in person and one was via cell phone, left me with a feeling that I’d had a good look at the whole Ted Haggard.  A Ted Haggard we can all relate to.  A Ted Haggard that could be trusted.

In researching public response to Ted Haggard’s recent television appearances I’ve witnessed a wide range of reactions, from those who want to love and embrace him to those who are angry and hurt that a church leader did the things he did.  There have been times I’ve had to bite my cyber tongue, so to speak, keeping myself from participating in online discussions with those who I knew were basing their opinions on things that just aren’t true, according to Ted.  In one such example, a commenter wrote:

My issue is not with my hurt or betrayal…it is with the fact that he did not complete and submit himself to the leadership that was putting out his “restoration process.” He removed himself from it. That is where my issue lies.

I find it interesting how we humans can look at the same situations and see totally different things.  What I mean by that is this:  some of us just assume that when a large church releases a press release, it is reliable and can be trusted.  Others think, “they must be hiding something, ’cause that can’t be all of the story”.  I’ll admit, I assumed that when the new leadership of New Life, Ted Haggard’s former church, said that Ted and his family were being taken care of, were being led through a recovery and rehabilitation program, I believed them without question.  That inner cynic inside of me didn’t think for a second that things might not be as they seemed.  So when this topic was addressed in our conversations, and I received Ted’s side of the story, I was shocked and to this day don’t really know how to feel about it.

TED: For awhile there I was the handicapped partner, but I’m still a member of the family.  I think the idea of shunning, excommunication and exile should be revisited before it’s ever imposed on anybody else because it’s deeply threatening to the principles of the New Testament.

BILL (my Pastor, who was with me during this interview):  Were those formally pronounced upon you?

TED: Yeah, they were given to me in contract form.

BILL: Shunning?  Excommunication?

TED: They didn’t use those words.  But it was, “Could not communicate with people, with our old friends.”  And then, uh, the old friends were told that the Haggards were being taken care of in privacy so don’t communicate with them.

BILL: This from a team of …. ?

TED: From a leadership team that came in from the outside.  And so, then, that was put into contract form.  And the contracts were in perpetuity, although they allowed for every six months for portions of it to be revisited.  They could unilaterally add to or take from the contract.  So then I requested that they be adjusted.  And the first one, the one with the overseers and restorers was dropped after January… it was dropped during January of 2008.  Let’s see, yeah, January of 2008  and then the church’s contract was dropped in December of 2008.  You can check those dates on my website.  So it was a contractual exile.

DONNY: And is that where some of the bitterness has resulted from?

TED: Well, yes.  Well, I wouldn’t say bitterness, although I’m sure that’s an element.  I hope that’s not characteristic of me.  But that’s where my disillusionment has come from.  It has a variety of different emotional responses at different times.  I feel like I fought my sin.  There was never a time when I said, “I want to be this guy.”  I would say there was a part of me that wanted to be that guy, but the dominant me fought it, hated it, and it was a love-hate relationship. Compulsive sinning.  So I was at war with this thing.

(Donny’s note:  that kinda reminds me of The Message version of Paul’s struggle in Romans 7:14-25, part of which reads,  “I want to do good, but sin is there to trip me up!  I don’t want to do bad, but I do it anyway”)

TED: And so then, when it all came out, I lied a few days until I realized what was happening.  And then I would have liked for my spiritual family to have responded the way my biological family did.  My biological family was more violated than my spiritual family, but they responded like a family.  And I would have preferred my spiritual family responding that way as well.

DONNY: So how did your family respond?

TED: My biological family responded with, “We’re gonna talk and we’re gonna process this until we get it worked out.”  Marcus explained that on Larry King.  He said, “Look, we’re members of the same family and so we’re gonna get into a room and talk and work on it and fight and yell, or cry, or hug, or… whatever it took until we got it worked out.”  Which I think is the command of the New Testament.  But my spiritual family said, “Separation, silence, lack of communication… and maybe time will heal it.”  But there’s nothing in scripture that says that. My experience validates why scripture says, “Communication, get with one another, and all that type of thing. We’re a body.  You can’t have divisions amongst yourselves.”  All those exhortations.  And I think it’s because people have issues.  If they’re offended or hurt or wounded, the way I hurt… if you separate and go silent, the only thing that can happen is for it to get worse.    For a misunderstanding to occur… and we’ve resulted in a lot of misunderstandings because of lack of communication and increased mistrust.  The time has actually created increased mistrust with those folks, instead of healing.  When you have an uncle who you’re upset with… if you see him at weddings, see him at funerals, and see him at Christmas time, it eventually warms up again, you know?  Which is God’s plan for us.  God wants us to be one.

In our conversations, Ted revealed how one man on the restoration team spoke to him for an hour and a half in January of 2007, and then not again until January of 2009. That was difficult for me to process, because I remember being under the assumption that everything was being handled and Ted was being led through a healing and restoration process.

TED: Yeah… I became a leper.  If it wouldn’t have been for secular people rescuing me, my family and I would have been in horrible shape.  It was the secular world that rescued us, not the church.

Part of the contract he had to sign required that he and his family leave the state, and that he never acknowledge he’d even been a pastor at New Life Church – a 22 year gap in his resumé.  Ted’s disillusionment was further increased by the lack of contact during the last few years.  He says there were very few phone calls and very few emails.

TED: We didn’t hear from anybody.  And so we were, we were… It’s like a family that has a death.  Or a family that has somebody go through surgery.  There’s a time period where they need care.  They were healthy in the thirty years before.  They’ll be healthy in the thirty years after.  But there’s like a three week time period where they need care.  And if you care for them during that time then they remember that all the rest of their life.  Well I… what happened the last two years… two and a half years… I know who cared for me.  The Mormons gave us furniture, and secularists believed in my resurrection.  But church (leadership) was scared to death and continues, by and large, to be scared to death.

BILL: In my mind Ted Haggard has good pastors that have come around him and is… this is what I heard and what I thought was true.

TED: Yeah.  That’s what they said in the press.

But according to Ted, no such conditions existed.  Ted and his wife were left on their own to seek counseling, of which I look forward to telling you about later because, according to Ted, the counseling they found had tremendous positive results.

DONNY: So that is maybe why others outside weren’t doing anything?

TED: No question.

I won’t be doing justice to the tone of our conversation if I allow you to think it consisted entirely of discussion on how things were handled wrongly.  Ted was quite complimentary of many people, particularly the normal, everyday people of the church.

BILL: Has anybody from the church, from New Life, responded to you in a gracious way ?

TED: All the believers.  All the people of the church. We haven’t had one negative interpersonal experience with anybody there.  All of our negative experiences were with church leaders  (who were brought in from the outside).

My dear Constant Readers, it is very important to me that you remember the conversation piece I used to start this arcticle… that part where I mentioned Ted Haggard’s pendulum of emotions.  So far I’ve shared with you a portion of our hours together that leaned toward the more “upset” or perhaps “bitter/disappointed” part of the arc.  What I haven’t told you yet is that Ted and I talked on the phone not long after this, and he said he felt like he’d been too hard on the leaders of the church mentioned in this portion.  He doesn’t want to hold on to bitterness.  He wants to love them.  And although he doesn’t think it was handled anywhere close to correctly, he understands they had a very difficult job to do.

Can you imagine how hard it would be to remain silent for two years, reading and hearing discussion after discussion that didn’t contain all of the facts?  I am not sure I could bite my tongue for that amount of time.  In fact, I’m positive I could not.

As I conclude part one of this series, I’m relieved to have the most negative part of the article behind me.  It’s been quite difficult writing this part.  In the rest of this series I look forward to sharing with you more on how Ted’s family dealt with this problem.   I asked him how his children looked at him after hearing what he’d done, and the answer is something that I will never forget… an answer that I can honestly say will influence the way I raise my own son and change my entire life and outlook should I enter further levels of ministry.

I asked Ted to address hypocrisy: how could he stand on a platform and speak out against homosexual rights while secretly engaging in homosexual activities?  I asked Ted to share with me the path of healing he and his wife Gayle have been following:  What’s worked?  What hasn’t worked?  Is their marriage really better than ever?  What has he learned?  If he could go back in time, how  would he lead differently? I asked him why there have been new allegations that have emerged since that famous day: Why wasn’t everything addressed right there at the beginning?

You’re going to want to read his responses, as well as some of the other places our conversation led us.  Bookmark this blog and return.  Befriend me on twitter (or Facebook… or Myspace) and watch for updates.  If this interview has the same effect on you that it has had on me, your view of many things, even those in normal everyday life, will change.

THIS SERIES CONSISTS OF:

1. Conversations with Ted Haggard – A Prelude
2. Conversations with Ted Haggard – Part 1 (current article)
3. Conversations with Ted Haggard – Part 2
4. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts to share at some point in the future.  Bookmark this blog and return or befriend me on twitter, Facebook or Myspace and watch for updates

Also See the Two Articles My Pastor Wrote About this Interview:

1. Ted Haggard – Born Again Again?
2. Which Is Worse? [Ted Haggard #2]

Last week I had the privilege to sit down with Ted Haggard, who was in town to attend a Pastor’s conference at a local church. In the coming days I’d like to share with you several things I discussed with him.

One of Ted Haggard's "Tweets" from Last Wednesday (screencap from my iPhone's 'Tweetie' app)

Going into our conversations, I had my B.S. detector turned way up. If Ted tried to sugarcoat any of his actions, if he tried to downplay anything, if he was disingenuous at all, I’d be the first to scream it from the rooftops. But I can tell you this, dear Constant Reader, the Ted Haggard I met with was a very warm man, humbled by his own sin nature and holding nothing back. I saw a man who loves Jesus, a man who was at times sad, at other times upset, and above all, didn’t make excuses for his actions. To be honest, I saw a man who I identify with.

So often we put religious leaders on a pedestal, and if they fall we are hurt on a deeper level than we’d be if most others in our lives were to fall. Some of us are angry and resist extending forgiveness. Some of us scream of hypocrisy. Still others celebrate the comeback of fallen leaders like we would that of our favorite NFL team, down in the 4th quarter, but who miraculously pulls off a last second victory to win a conference championship for a place in the Superbowl.

And why is it that the comeback of a religious leader is so celebrated by some, you might ask? Perhaps it’s because we see someone who isn’t the closest thing to God in the flesh, as we’d formerly esteemed him or her, and who is, after all, one of us. Perhaps it’s something else entirely. Whatever it is, I’ll admit that I am one of those who has been heartened by watching Ted Haggard’s recovery with the support of his amazing wife and biological family, especially so after speaking with him in person, asking some tough questions and receiving real, honest answers.

Our first meeting took place last Monday morning.  I turned on my Sony digital audio recorder and we spoke for nearly three hours. Early Tuesday I received a Facebook message from Ted asking if I would call him on his cell and discuss meeting yet again for a follow up interview, as there were some things on his heart that he really wanted to make sure I shared with those who read the article I write about him. This second meeting lasted nearly two hours, and like the first, I took my pastor along to contribute to the conversation. In fact, I’m sure you’ll be able to read some of Dr. G’s thoughts on his blog at some point.

I’m requesting that you come back and read about these conversations, and invite a friend to do the same. Invite your entire email address book, all of your twitter followers, your Facebook friends, every person still on your MySpace friends list, and your entire church congregation.  I’ll have the first article up no later than this coming Monday afternoon – hopefully sooner – and intend to follow it with others. Regardless of your thoughts on Ted Haggard’s crisis, I know you’ll find something of interest.  I look forward to sharing this experience with you.

See you then!

YouVersion Bible App: Free on iTunes

Since purchasing my iPhone in 2007, I’ve been using the Bible App from YouVersion any time I want to read a passage. That application has come in very handy, and has increased the amount of scripture I read. In fact, I’ve read through the entire New Testament four times in the last year, and much of that was done on my iPhone with this app.  With 19 different translations at my fingertips from YouVersion, I’m able to pick up something new every time I read it.  The main downside to this YouVersion app is that a connection to the Internet is required in order to use it, as it loads content from YouVersion’s server.  In other words:  I can’t read the Bible using this app if I’m, say, leaving on a jet plane.

When my friend David Louis Harter purchased an iPhone just weeks ago, I knew two things would happen for sure:  (1) I knew I’d soon be seeing interesting iPhone photos produced by David, and (2) I knew he’d diligently bring new iPhone apps and features to my attention. I wasn’t disappointed.  One of the first apps David recommended was the BibleReader for iPhone from Olivetree software.

A Partial View of my BibleReader Library - Click to Enlarge

If you’re an iPhone user, I can’t recommend this software highly enough.   Be sure to click to enlarge the screenshots I’m posting to check out what you’re missing.  Olivetree has brought a lot more than the Bible to this free application.  At my fingertips is Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary, various concordances and study guides, the complete works of Flavius Josephus, the Confessions of St. Augustine, books by the likes of Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther, John Piper, John Calvin, and a lot more.  Many of these books are completely free!  Just about any translastion of the Bible can be loaded into BibleReader, some free, some for a fee.

Free items for Olivetree BibleReader - Click to Enlarge

AND NO INTERNET CONNECTION IS REQUIRED TO READ THEM! The Bible, the books… all are downloaded to your iPhone and available at any time.

Navigating scripture is easy: after picking the translation you’d like to read from your library, click the “Verse” button on the top right side of the screen, simply select the Book you wish, followed by the Chapter, and then the Verse. It couldn’t be easier, and is much faster than flipping through the pages of a printed Bible.

I am particularly fond of this software’s split screen features (I’ll post screenshots below to show examples).  I can have two translations open at the same time, comparing, for example, the text of Today’s New International Version with that of the King James Version.  OR perhaps I’ll have a passage of scripture in one window, and commentary notes for it open in the other… or a concordance… or… or… or… It’s nifty, I tell ya! And flipping the screen sideways changes to a landscape view (see examples below).  The OliveTree Blog features “how-to” videos that explain everything for even the mentally slowest amongst us (which explains why I spent a good part of my morning watching said videos).

Since I never go anywhere without my phone, this software means I have multiple translations of the Bible, and related books, available in my pocket at all times.

Or at least until my battery dies…

DOWNLOAD BIBLEREADER FREE – CLICK HERE

———-

Split Screen Views

It's very easy to select book, chapter, and verse

A view from the Sacramento River Trail: my favorite place to converse with my Creator.

Last night I wept, snot running down my face and dripping off my chin, for a period of about 4 hours. It wasn’t fun and I really didn’t like it. At least not then – not while it was happening. This morning I see it in a different light, because it’s times like that, when my soul cries out to God and to others, when I feel a toothbrush at work inside.

Some of those close to me sometimes question whether I’m fully letting Jesus inside to clean things out.  I know that I am. It’s just that I don’t think He wants to magically make everything perfect. I think He purposely works on issues slowly so that I understand them better. He isn’t just taking a fire hose and spraying the place out… He’s taking a toothbrush and slowly deep cleaning. I sometimes feel like others need to see fire hose evidence in order to believe a work is in progress, but I am more than overjoyed with the toothbrush. Perhaps you, dear Constant Reader, aren’t the type that needs to understand things about yourself like I do, but I want to know… I want to understand… I want to get it. I feel that is going to be a big part of any future ministry God may have for me: identifying with others who have gone through the same things I’ve gone through and maybe being able to be used to help others “get it”.  For that to happen I need to reach that place myself.  Slowly.

My cockiness is melting away.  I am realizing I really don’t know much.  I’m not nearly as smart as I thought.  I’m enrolled in Seminary and want to be used by God, but I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever have anything to say to anybody.  Perhaps that’s all for the best? Perhaps that’s the only way to be if God’s words are to be spoken and not my own?  I feel inadequate.

In the two weeks of 2006 between September 11th, when I knew I would no longer be in “the business”, and September 25th when I finally asked Jesus to take over, I wanted instant answers and solutions to all the anger and bitterness and questions I had about Him, Christianity, and people. I tried to strike a deal with God that if he brought those answers I’d give him my life. He didn’t respond at all. He was silent. On September 25th I finally understood that it wasn’t that He wasn’t willing to answer my questions, He just wasn’t going to do so all at once. He has been very faithful with slow answers. Some of them even in dreams. Most of them through something I read and then ponder, or something someone says to me that I ponder while prayerful, or through ideas that form when speaking with Him along the Sacramento River Trail, my favorite place to converse with Him.

This slow rate is purposeful, and I am loving the journey.  I am content in the knowledge that change will continue.  I am not asking for speedy results, because I am realizing the value of “one step at a time” results that really have a chance to sink in.  Does this make any sense?  It is lovely what’s happening.   But I do wish those closest to me would reach the place where they, too, realized that all these things they think I need to let God heal – the bitterness… the anger… the constant questioning – I AM letting Him in to heal.  Again, it is purposely slow.  And maybe some of you might even be who He uses to point out what’s next, but I need those who are close to please be patient, because this is a one-thing-at-a-time situation.  Lots of time went into the damage, and lots of time is going to be required to toothbrush it away.

For several years now I’ve read a blog called Dooce.com, written by a mommy-blogger named Heather Armstrong.  I can’t recall exactly how many years I’ve been reading, but I know that when I started reading it I was still blogging about producing porn here on this blog.  I remember this, because I attempted to purchase advertising on Heather’s blog and was promptly turned down.  Since finding Jesus (who was hiding under the bed) I’ve not attempted to advertise on Heather’s blog again.  Mostly because I no longer possess much of that stuff we call “money” and therefore cannot afford such luxuries as advertising.

But I still read it.

If you’re a stick in the mud, you might not appreciate Heather’s irreverent humor. I dig it. She’s hilarious. And besides her witty blog posts, her website also contains daily photos where one might find a sweet photo of her daughter Leta, perhaps witness some random object resting comfortably on her dog’s head, or even the latest mascara she purchased at Sephora.  Yes, I find myself clicking on such photos as Mascara. Why?  Because often times there’s an amusing caption below it.  I love to laugh, Heather’s site delivers numerous reasons to do so,  so I return to it.  Daily.

Heather’s book “It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita” humorously chronicles Heather’s experiences becoming a first time mother. She holds nothing back, even when discussing how postpartum depression led to a short stay in a mental institution, and proves even such things as stays in the loony bin can be presented humorously.  And should you decide to read it, be prepared to learn more than you ever wanted to know about poop.

This past Wednesday, facing a long drive of 250 miles (each way) in order to attend the nearest book signing, I emailed Heather’s husband Jon to make sure the schedule hadn’t changed. He was kind enough to let me know that the previous evening’s signing in Portland was so well attended that several people had to be turned away, so if I wanted to insure a seat I’d likely want to show up early. I did so… 2 hours early in fact. I passed the time reading the first several chapters of the book and talking to the ladies who began to arrive not long after I did. For the longest time I was the only man in the waiting audience. In fact, I think I was probably the only single man period. If you look hard enough you might see another male or two in the crowd, but I’m certain they were drug to the event by a wife or girlfriend:

Heather is just as funny in person as she is on her blog, or in her book:

If you listen closely, you might hear a mangling of English words. On this particular evening I witnessed Heather pronounce the word “crayon” the same way you or I would say the word “crown”. Apparently, a BYU degree in English does not come with a requirement to lose the southern drawl.  Which is fortunate, because it makes listening to Heather even more entertaining. 

I was 4th in line to have my own copy signed:

I’ve now read the majority of the book (a handful of pages remain before I’ve finished it). It’s very entertaining and very funny.  I particularly think mothers would enjoy and identify with it, but men shouldn’t be afraid to pick up a copy as well (and gentlemen, should you need to explain your purchase to someone just say you have a friend who needs to be scared out of impregnating his wife, and the purchase is a gift for HIM ).

Click the photo to be taken to the Amazon.com site selling Heather’s Book:

“It Sucked and Then I Cried:
How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita”

PS: It Sucked and Then I Cried has already made the New York Times Best Sellers list. Congrats to Heather for that!

The main purpose for this blog is to serve as my journal/diary.  Often times I’ve written about things I wish to remember in the future.  I sometimes go back and read old entries and am surprised at how things have changed, most often those “changes” are my opinions on matters.  I feel like I should put a disclaimer at the top of this site that says, “My Opinions are Subject to Change Without Notice”.  I embrace this constant evolution, however.  I’m confident it’s something God is doing within me, and who wants to remain the same once HE has become involved in one’s life?

I’m also convinced God has a way of leading us to places we’re supposed to be. While there are numerous examples of this within my own life, for this post I’ll focus on the church I call home and the man who leads it, as much of the changes within me have come as a direct result of the perspectives I’ve encountered therein.

I first met Dr. Bill Giovannetti in a quaint little coffee shop called Yaks just weeks after leaving my past behind. I won’t bore you with details, but that meeting eventually led to a friendship I cherish very much.  Bill is the lead pastor at Neighborhood Church, which I now call home.  His style of preaching is exactly what I need. I particularly enjoy the way Dr. G brings context into scripture.

An open admission:  I fully intend to steal Bill’s sermon notes should I ever find myself speaking in front of churches on topics other than porn.  There’s not a sermon I’ve heard that doesn’t teach me something new, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that.

I really don’t like to kiss a whole lot of backside, so I’m not going to list all the things I appreciate about my Pastor…  but there are a lot of them.  Suffice it to say:  if anyone who listens to Bill on a regular basis DOESN’T spiritually grow it’s his/her own fault, ’cause there is no doubt he puts a big spotlight on the path to spiritual maturity.  I realize I’m still down there in the infant stages, but I’m listenin’ and learnin’.

If you live too far from Redding, CA to attend Neighborhood Church, the wonders of technology (and good ol’ fashioned books) will allow you, too, to benefit from the teachings of Bill G.  Here are four ways:

• Download the audio or video of each sermon from the church media page
• Click Here for the Podcast on iTunes
• Read Bill’s Blog:  Maxgrace.com

I’d also highly recommend clicking over to Amazon.com and making a purchase this afternoon (check out that last quote on the back cover ):

“How to Keep Your Inner Mess From Trashing Your Outer World: Creating Peace from Your Inner Chaos” (Bill Giovannetti)

While in porn world, I became intimately acquainted with the destruction that befalls those within the industry itself. What was foreign to me, however, was the pain my product caused in families all across this country. While traveling these past few years… I’ve been educated.

There’s not a single place I’ve spoken where a handful of people don’t come up to me after service to let me know they’ve lost their marriage to porn. I know I shouldn’t be shocked at this, but I am… because it never really crossed my mind as a producer.

And just what is it that so many of us have given up our families for? Is it the fantasy of a girl curled up in a ball in a corner, sucking her thumb because her mind is so blown by the scene she just did that she doesn’t know how to handle it, and therefore retreats to fetal position? Is it the thought of surgeries that must be performed to repair damages done to the body of a girl who has had multiple partners on screen? Is it the thought of a girl who lost a formerly-great relationship with her father when he was confronted with images of his daughter in positions so stomach-turning that he couldn’t look at her the same way anymore? Or perhaps it’s the fantasy of the numerous lost careers these college girls have given up once it’s learned that they’ve been “porn actresses” before?  Or… (how long should I go on listing the realities of the business… I can continue if you’d like).

Do we consider that every one of those actresses is somebody’s little girl?

Those stories in that last paragraph… THAT is the reality of porn. So many of us have bought into the lie that the fantasy we see in the final edited product is not only real, but incredibly appealing. We like that lie so much we’re willing to give up priceless treasures, our families and relationships, to indulge in it for a few moments here and there.  I’ve heard story after story, and they’re all basically the same:  one spouse chooses porn over the other spouse, time after time, and their relationship crumbles. In a majority of cases, men are the ones who make this choice.  But as I travel and speak I’ve heard from several women who have also been caught up in some porn fantasy or another.

This past weekend I spoke three times in Arkansas, on the outskirts of Little Rock.  The people were fantastic… so warm and friendly.  So much fun to be around.  The countryside was beautiful.  The accents brought a smile to my face, which I tried to hide to be honest with you.  The stories and questions were the same I’ve heard all across this land:

“I Am One of Those People Who Lost My Marriage Because of Porn”

“What if a couple really enjoys watching porn together?”

“Doesn’t our economy need the billions porn generates right now?”

“Donny, there are videos of me out there doing ____ and I’m afraid someone I know will ultimately see them!”

“I’ve never considered some of the things you’ve brought up before.  This has really helped me.”

“I started watching porn with my friends when we were 10 years old.  That interest has grown to the point where I’ve now done ______ “.

“Dude, my life is changed after today.”

“My marriage is about to end in divorce, and it’s because of my addiction to porn.”

We weren’t out on the streets talking to random strangers.  We were inside a church building during normal weekend services.  This weekend wasn’t unusual:  every church in which I’ve spoken brings about similar conversations.  I’ve heard some crazy things, let me tell ya.

Within even the most conservative church walls I’ve listened to confessions from people who have done things you’d never expect to hear, even including things done to animals, and these admissions aren’t from “those people out there” but from “these people in here”.  Why is that?  Could it possibly be because, for so long, the church has refused to talk much about pornography?  Doesn’t the Bible mention something about how sins that are kept in secret will grow into something much bigger?

I’m sure most churches mention pornography in passing, spending a few seconds listing it along with several other sins.  “Whew!  We got that one out of the way!” after such a glaze-over just isn’t going to cut it in these times when porn is so popular.  Yesterday, as I walked to my connecting flight through the airport in Dallas, I saw two teenage boys walking side by side, openly looking through Hustler magazine without trying to hide it.  And why not?  Our families all watch porn together from home nowadays, don’t we? …right on network television, albeit most network shows have just enough clothing on the actors to satisfy whoever it is that does the ratings these days. Hey, if it’s okay with even mom and dad, why can’t I walk through the airport beside my buddy with a porn mag open?

I’m very encouraged when churches do the type of thing Mercy’s Cross in Arkansas did this past weekend:  an entire weekend dedicated to being real about the topic of pornography, followed up with the creation of new accountability groups to continue the discussion, offering real help to all congregants, even those who don’t (or won’t admit to) deal with this particular “sin” in their life.  Bringing real life issues to light is the only way to win the battle against such.  Thank you, Mercy’s Cross, you are an encouragement.

Encourage your own church to follow suit, please.  It’s vital to address this stuff, my friends. If it’s not confronted it’s going to eat your families alive, I guarantee it!

—–
In the spirit of “Confronting the Elephant”, Mercy’s Cross had a few of these cutouts sitting in the audience. I loved it!

Before Christ, I often railed on judgmental Christians. After Christ, I’ve continued to do so from time to time. But Wendy’s mother emailed me awhile back and pointed out:

Being judgmental of the Judgmental is still… judgmental.

I contemplated what she said for a long time, and still contemplate it today, and her words have helped me get rid of a lot of bitterness. It’s not all gone, but it’s going.

_________

One of my favorite Gandhi quotes:

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

I would like to see that perception of Christians changed, wouldn’t you? The answer to making that perception change can also be found in another Gandhi quote:

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

It starts with me.  I am the only person I can really change, a task made easier with God’s assistance.

“God, please help me.”

I wrote this a few days ago, unsure whether or not I’d actually publish it.  But why not?  Let’s do it.

On this blog I’ve voided my guts, speaking about many of my sins.  You’ve read my writings about the horrors I perpetrated on models.  You’ve read about that really stupid sex game I played with the girl to whom I was engaged when I was in “the business”.  You’ve heard me make admissions most never would.  You haven’t, however, read much about Wendy, my ex-wife.  I have this awe… this reverence… for Wendy.  Sure, I’ve blogged a time or two about some of the things I’ve done to her, but I don’t talk too much about my feelings for her or the details of the way our lives interact now.  You haven’t read much detail on the guilt I feel for ruining her life and taking away the possibilities for my son to grow up in a home where his mother and father both welcome him home from school.  Sure, I’ve alluded to it, but not to the extent I’ve discussed other things.  And definitely not to the extent that it’s screwed with my head.

Thing is, this part of my life results in inner conflict because writing is the best outlet for me to deal with my emotions, but I remain mute on this for the most part.  And, sure, I could write in private, but that just doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me as when I hit the “publish” button that allows you, my constant readers, to devour the words I’ve put on digital paper.  It’s as if, by making things public, I’m enabling God’s light to shine into dark rooms within me.  That might not make sense to you, or it might sound silly, but it’s the best way I can describe things.

In many ways, dear reader, I’m royally screwed up in the head.  I’ve seen so much, heard so much, and DONE so much that I wonder if I’ll ever be “normal”. Sure, God heals.  But maybe He doesn’t want to.  Maybe He wants me to remain raw so that I can identify with the broken.  That’s totally fine with me.  I like me.  I really, really like me.  But I do wonder if the real Donny will, for example, ever have a normal relationship.  What decent woman wants a man who has produced porn for 9 years?  A man who has had meaningless sex with dozens of “models”?   A man who trashed the two serious relationships he’s had.  And since most single women my age have children, just how much trust does it take to allow a man around one’s children who has done the things I’ve done?   And even if SHE, whoever she may be, can trust me, what the hell is her child’s father going to think… going to say… going to DO… when he finds out who his ex is dating?

Know what I mean, Vern?

And on a side note… did you know that some of the things I’ve written on this very blog about my past, are self delusions?  Sometimes I still don’t want to own up to what a total and complete ASS I was… so I sugar coat the details. Oh man, have I!  Since surrendering my life to God I’ve discovered that I even delude myself, and am slowly uncovering for (admitting to?) myself just how big a “sinner” I really was.  What a wretch!  What a horrible wretch!  (“wretch” seems to be the perfect, fitting word)

And then there’s sex… I’ve had a lot of it, with a lot of different women. And now that I’m a slave to God, and trying to honor His daughters, I’m somewhat afraid that my next wife will find me boring.  “Boring?” you ask?  Yes… boring.  “Why would you think that, Donny?”   Because I have a feeling that I’ll be so afraid of disrespecting my wife that I will be unwilling to be adventurous in any way whatsoever.  Will anything beyond the basics result in flashbacks of my porn-producing past?  At this point, if I were to guess, I’d say “yes”.

Wouldn’t it be a great story if God restored my marriage to Wendy?  Sure, and I’ve heard from people all across the country about it:  “I’m praying for you, Donny, that you and Wendy will be restored!”  Great.  So am I.  So HAVE I.  But, ya know, that’s probably not gonna happen.  After all, I cheated on her multiple times, and hid from her the fact that I produced porn for 3 years BEHIND HER BACK before finally coming clean.  What would that do to YOUR head, knowing your spouse was a lying, deceitful bastard for 3 years?  All of the memories created during those years, for instance, wouldn’t mean a damned thing, now would they?  Because every one of them would be built on a lie, wouldn’t they?  Could YOU make yourself vulnerable to such a person again?  Who would ask that of you, anyway?  Forgiveness can be given, MUST be given.  Making oneself vulnerable again, however, is not really a fair request to make.

In a very rare case of sharing detailed information from an interaction I’ve had with Wendy, let me post my own words, written to the mother of my son, in the not too distant past:

I don’t crave a relationship, but I do really want to have more kids, and I don’t want to be too old to enjoy them.  I’ve had this romantic picture in my head of getting back together with you and working really hard to communicate and build a good life together.  I love the thought of having more babies together… growing old with you… doing some traveling when kids are out of the house.   And I KNOW our relationship could be totally healed and become what it should have been all along if you wanted that like I do.  But you don’t, so I don’t know whether to keep waiting to see if you change your mind, or to believe you when you say you don’t want it.  If I thought you were just saying that and being stubborn or protecting yourself from hurt I’d wait around as long as it took.  But I don’t want to be the sad old man who is still waiting for a woman who really DOESN’T want to ever be with him.  I was an idiot and a fool and a selfish ass… but I’ve learned.  And I love you so very much and want to hold you in my arms all the time, and if I let myself think about that too much it would consume my thoughts.

So… if you do have any desire to ever talk about being a family again, I wish you’d just tell me.  Yeah, that would make you vulnerable, but I’d sure appreciate it.

And since you’re all intelligent people, I’m sure you can surmise the current state of my relationship to Wendy.  Yes, she’s my friend.  She even works for me.  Yes, we love each other… as friends, and as much as two people who have had a child together and then been split apart by divorce can love each other.  But it is highly unlikely that we’ll ever be reconciled in marriage.  Highly. Freakin’. Unlikely!

So what do I do?  In the Bible, Paul tells us that he’d rather we remain single for life, as he was… and I could probably do that.  But if you re-read that paragraph I just posted for you… that excerpt from an email to Wendy… well, I’m sure you can clearly see my preference.  My son, Caden, is such an enormous joy in my life that  I’d love to have more children.  And the thought of Caden living in this world without siblings… just saddens me a little.  Still, if remaining single is what God wants me to do I’ll be content with that, and serve Him as best I can.  And that just might be the way things go, as these past two years have made it pretty clear that a restoration of our marriage really isn’t something Wendy wants, and while I am genuine in my desire to wait around to see if that changes,  I sometimes wonder if my proclamation also serves to protect me from vulnerability.  Opening oneself up to a new relationship with another person takes a lot of courage.  Perhaps I lack that courage.

Don’t get the wrong idea, dear Constant Reader… I’m not spending my days and nights in angst, wondering if I’ll ever have another relationship again.  It’s actually not something that consumes much of my time at all.  Life is beautifully comfortable as it is. I am very spoiled.

But once in awhile…

And so I write.  ‘Cause that’s just what I do when I need to clear my mind.  And I invite you to put in your own two cents… of advice, sharing of personal experiences, or whatever you feel like posting.

Or just read and don’t post anything at all.  I’m okay with that, too.

Well, at least I wanna be for some reason, after hearing this little girl tell a very imaginative, breathtaking story starring baby monkeys lost in frightening trees, a witch, crocodiles, a tiger, a “popotamus” and a lion, and even a “tremendously very bad mammoth”. There are also magic powers and an orange ring, but sometimes, “something goes amiss”.

Bring your popcorn and enjoy the show:

Once upon a time… from Capucha on Vimeo.