I’ve written before in regards to some of the personal costs I’ve paid for my life decisions. While I have no doubts I’m forgiven, I have a feeling, dear constant reader, that I’m going to continue to pay those bills for the rest of my life.

As I’ve traveled this amazing country I’ve had the opportunity to speak in front of crowds of as few as a couple of hundred to more than 20 thousand to who knows how many on Nightline ABC. I have to admit to you that I absolutely love speaking to people. It’s a rush. It’s better than sex, to be honest with ya, and it feeds my ego.

From those who have attended events in which I’ve spoken, I’ve received numerous messages of assurance that God is going to restore my marriage to Wendy. I’ve held onto those promises because they are exactly what I want to hear. I want to believe a restoration will happen. I want my amazing son to have both his father and mother in the same house again, waiting to help him with his algebra. I want to be the husband to the woman who moves my inner being more than any other, who has even defined the type of woman to whom I am attracted, both physically and emotionally. I want to prove to Wendy that I’m a different man than the one who ripped her heart out… that I’m worthy of her trust. I want to be an example of what a husband should be. I want to treat my wife like the princess she is in God’s eyes. I want to honor her.

But it appears that isn’t going to happen. God asks us to forgive those who have wronged us, but what he doesn’t ask is that we once again make ourselves vulnerable to those who have wronged us. For so long after surrendering my life to God I believed the words of those who said Wendy and I would be reunited. What I didn’t take into consideration, however, is the fact that free will is involved in such a scenario. And while there have been times when Wendy has mentioned the possibilities of reconciliation, it’s become very apparent that it’s just not gonna happen. She can forgive me, but she can’t give her heart to me again.

And who could possibly blame her? Did you read some of the things I’ve done to her? What I’ve shared doesn’t even scratch the surface.

I feel kinda sorry for any woman I might possibly date in the future. Whether fair or not, if there is a “next one” she will have to live up to Wendy, and that’s pretty hard to do. While she definitely wasn’t a perfect wife, Wendy is as close to a perfect mother as a person can get. My son is quite lucky.

After Wendy made it clear to me that the two of us would never be together again, and even though I haven’t written much about it, I’ve very casually “dated” a few women these last few years and have had conversations with a few others. And while in my mind I know that every one of us is unique, I have to tell you that the biggest turn off, for me, is when a woman is so desperate to find a “soul mate” that she’s willing to risk the happiness of her own children in order to pursue him. I don’t understand such nonsense. If a man even HINTS that he is not going to be okay with a single mother’s children, she needs to turn tail and run as fast as she can in the opposite direction. Anything less makes me want to puke. Believe me, dear constant reader, I’ve heard stories…

Side note: ladies, respect yourself! No matter how mysterious or attractive a man may seem, and no matter how much he proclaims to be a follower of Jesus the Christ, if he is not ready to be a daddy to your children he is not SHIT (pardon my french) to you and definitely not worth your time.

I was recently asked if I believe in the concept of soul mates. The answer, quite bluntly, is that I do not. The origin of such a concept is pagan, by most accounts beginning with Plato’s “Symposium”, and while the concept that there is one person in this really big world for each of us might seem “romantic” to some, it goes entirely against the concept of free will and couldn’t be further from the type of love I’ve seen referred to as a “true romance”.

After all, how romantic could it possibly be to love someone you’re somehow “destined” to love? That’s about as romantic as a dog scratching its fleas… it’s just something that must be done! I find it much more romantic to make a choice to love and then to be willing to put in the work required to make such a relationship last… a relationship based almost entirely on free will, just as God’s relationship is with us.  When you hear of a couple that has been together for 50 or more years, I seriously doubt everything between them has always been, as Forest Gump would say, “peas and carrots”. Making a human relationship last for that amount of time requires compromise, sacrifice, and CHOICE. And THAT, my dear constant reader, is what *I* find romantic!

Will I ever find such an opportunity again? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. The more I interact with other humans, the less I believe such opportunities will present themselves. It seems that even Christians have chosen to compromise and believe the lies they’re asked to believe, sometimes being so bold as to call such compromise “God’s will”.

Despite the indications I’ve seen, I choose to believe something real and beautiful is possible and that beauty can indeed arise from ashes.

And until that beauty shows up, I’m happily going to allow my life to consist of being the best daddy I can to my boy, the best “ex” husband I can be to his mother, and the best Christ follower I can be, leaning heavily on God’s grace to help me overcome my “thorns in the flesh”.

What say you?